Behind Blue Eyes
by agrove
Summary: AU. After a tough case Homicide Detective Javier Esposito stumbles upon a bartender with unforgettable blue eyes and a horrific past. When secrets come out and lives start to unravel will Esposito be there to protect him, or arrest him? Slash. Ryan/Esposito
1. No One Knows What It's Like

**This is an AU and OOC story, I wrote this to my own personal preferences for the fic and created personalities for some characters that differ from canon. There will be plenty of drama and hurt/comfort since those are the genres I love. This is my first multi-chapter slash fic so feedback and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Please don't bash, there's no reason to be mean or rude.**

**Rated M for language, adult situations, violence, and sex.**

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Beckett slammed her Charger's back door closed once their suspect was inside and looked at her fellow detective over the top of the blue car. "Good job Espo. I'll take him for booking; you go ahead and take the night off."

"Sounds good to me, I'm looking forward to just relaxing," he responded tiredly as his hands slid down his pant legs trying to get the dirt from the alley off the material. Why did suspects always have to run?

"Let's just hope there's not another murder," Castle chimed in. Always one for a new homicide case even he was crossing his fingers that the city would for once just sleep peacefully for at least tonight. It seemed the cases just kept coming lately and after dealing with a double homicide for the past two weeks it was time for a long overdue break.

Esposito shook his head in exasperation and pointed to the writer, "Don't jinx it!" After walking to his own car he slid off his vest and threw it in the back seat before a bar across the street caught his attention. It seemed clean from the outside and not very busy and he could use a drink after the day he'd had. Figuring he deserved a cold one he lifted his badge and the chain it hung on over his head and put it in the glove box before slipping on his jacket to cover his holster and locking the doors on his red sedan. After glancing both ways he made his way across the street and pulled open the heavy and worn wooden door. Once inside he glanced around, it was old but well taken care of and only a few people were seated throughout the space. Stained glass windows adorned the wall facing the street and a piano and pool table sat off to the side of the slightly smoky establishment. With sure steps he walked to the bar and slid onto a stool waiting to be served by the bartender that was so small the bar mostly hid him.

The man behind the counter eyed him wearily before picking up an empty shot glass and setting it upside down on the bar with two small taps. Four patrons, two in a booth and two at the other end of the bar instantly stood and slid on their coats before exiting the dark bar with barely a glance at Esposito.

"What'll ya have?"

Esposito looked around and saw he was the only one left, "Surprise me." The auburn haired man nodded and after a few seconds slid a shot glass forward and crossed his arms, his bright blue eyes never leaving him.

Javier downed the shot and fought off a cough at the intense liquid that was still burning his esophagus. "Any reason in particular you're staring at me?" he asked hoarsely as he cleared his throat. The other man never answered so he sighed heavily and met his gaze, "Look man I had a long day and I just want to relax. We both know I'm a cop, that's why you tipped off your customers but I'm off duty and unless there's a body stashed somewhere I don't really care what the hell's going on around here."

The bartender continued staring for another full minute before finally uncrossing his arms, "Fair enough and considering you downed that Poitín without coughing up a lung earns you enough respect to stay. I'll ask you again, what'll ya have?"

Esposito laughed, "Whatever's on tap is good."

The man grabbed a tall glass and filled it to the brim, the foam lightly cascading down the side, before sliding it to him and walking to the other side of the bar where he grabbed a newspaper and flipped it open. The minutes ticked by comfortably for both until Esposito spoke again, "I've never even noticed this place, kind of nice here. Got a relaxed tavern feel to it."

The bartender peered at him from over the paper with his shockingly blue eyes before turning the page and looking back down. "Been here since mid-nineteenth century."

He nodded appreciatively, "Wow, about the time all the Irish got here. You an immigrant?"

The man huffed and folded the paper before slapping it down and walking over, "You're a chatty one and what's it to ya? Not that it's any of your business but I was born here."

Esposito's eyebrows shot up, "Chill man, just asking. Your accents pretty strong."

"Ma and da were immigrants and I stick with my own. Hard to believe but some people still aren't too friendly with the Irish."

Esposito nodded and held up his empty glass which was quickly snatched from his fingers and refilled. "Whole lot of hate in the world bro, if there wasn't I'd be out of a job." He took a sip before holding out his hand, "Javier Esposito."

The Irishman eyed his hand distrustfully before finally wiping his own on a towel and shaking it, "Ryan."

"First or last name?" Suspicious azure eyes met his and he laughed, "Fair enough, no business of mine. You're not much of a talker are you?"

"Not until I know if you're friend or foe."

A shrill ringing suddenly sounded and after fishing out the cell phone the exhausted detective answered, "Esposito… I've had a couple…I'm good…yeah I'll be there when you get back… It's fine, not your fault." He hung up and rubbed his hands up and down his face tiredly, "What's the damage?"

Ryan told him the total and after settling the tab he watched the man leave the bar with the slight wonder if he would ever see him again.

He didn't have to wonder much because four days later he strode through the door again and as Ryan tapped the upside down shot glass on the counter he sat down. His mocha eyes watched a few people shuffle out but was surprised that a few stayed in a back booth. "Didn't scare everyone away today."

Ryan glanced at the middle-aged trio who were talking in low voices with smoking cigarettes between their lax fingers before looking back, "Some don't scare easy Mr. Esposito."

He grinned and pointed happily, "You remembered me. Just wrapped up a case nearby, thought I'd stop in for a bit."

Ryan poured him a tall glass and set it down in front of him, "So you're homicide right? Who got whacked, didn't read about anybody."

After a healthy pull he shrugged out of his coat and laid it on the bar next to him, "Woman, thirties. Turns out her uncle killed her because she inherited money that should have gone to him but the dad changed the will right before he died three weeks ago. Greed is a terrible thing."

"Ouch."

"Yeah but at least he's put away for good now. Gotta keep the streets clean."

Ryan nodded absently as he flipped through the channels on the tv until pausing on boxing and setting down the remote. He picked out a toothpick from his pocket and stuck it between his teeth as he watched the match intently, half leaning on the bar a small distance away. His eyes unwillingly kept drifting to Esposito as he tried to figure out why this man, this _cop_, kept coming back. It was blatantly obvious that the patrons here were less than outstanding citizens yet here was this man, who didn't hide the fact he was a police officer, sitting here like everything was fine and dandy.

"Buachaill!"

Snapped out of his musings by the shout he whipped around and after grabbing a bottle of Jameson ran over to the gentlemen in the corner and quickly refilled their glasses before backing away respectfully and returning back to the bar.

Esposito was starting to get a bad feeling about this place, sure it was nice enough but there was a definite hierarchy here which could only mean one thing, power, and people with power were usually involved with the mob. Instantly switching to detective mode he waved over the other man, "How long you worked here?"

Ryan laughed, "Forever. I used to play in the back before I started busing and eventually serving. I grew up in here."

"Siblings?"

He stiffened slightly at the personal question, recognizing this as an interrogation, but still answered, "A sister, you?"

"Two brothers, both live in Cali. So who owns this place?"

Ryan's eyebrows rose marginally as he rested his hands on the edge of the bar and leaned forward slightly, "You don't know? That's… surprising."

The phone behind the bar began to ring interrupting their conversation and Ryan turned to grab it before walking down to the opposite side away from everyone who would be able to hear what was being said. He spoke quietly and his eyes kept flickering to the detective before he hung up and walked back, a nervous air now surrounding him.

Being who he was Esposito instantly picked up on the changed vibe, "Everything cool?"

Ryan nodded jerkily before looking at the empty glass in front of the other man, "So you're all done then?"

The dark skinned man frowned and looked at the pleading eyes of the other man, instantly reading the _please get out of here_ look he was giving. "Yeah, I should probably head home." He threw down a ten on the bar and shrugged on his coat, "Have a good one."

Ryan tucked his hands under his crossed arms and nodded stiffly as Esposito walked towards the exit. "Yeah, yeah. You too."

The detective grabbed the antique door handle and swung it open on his way out, sparing one last glance at the bar where a tall man with black hair was now standing next to Ryan jabbing his finger into his chest as he whispered furiously. Without warning the man's hand suddenly shot out and slapped the bartender on the side of his head, Ryan wincing and stumbling a bit but never making a sound as he took the punishment.

It took everything he had to continue out on to the street.


	2. To Be The Bad Man

**Huge thanks to red2013 for the review and to everyone else who alerted this.**

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Two weeks later Esposito walked through the now familiar door and over to the bar, a small frown covering his face when he didn't see any patrons or even Ryan. A laugh from the back caught his attention and he watched as Ryan and a short blonde stumbled out of a door giggling, the woman fixing her crooked skirt while a mussed Ryan peppered her neck with kisses. The scene made his gut clench for reasons he didn't want to think about and he grabbed his phone out of his pocket for something to look at so he didn't have to watch the pair that were now heatedly making out, Ryan's hands completely under her shirt as she giggled at whatever he was whispering into her ear. Finally the girl pulled away and with a wink to the bartender exited the bar.

Ryan began to make his way over and startled at the sight of Esposito at the bar. "Detective, didn't hear ya come in. I was er… occupied."

He forced a grin, "Yeah I see that." Esposito frowned at what he saw when Ryan finally got over to him, a jaundice yellow and sickly green black eye and a healing cut on his cheekbone. "Whoa, rough couple weeks?"

"Something like that," he answered vaguely before pointing to the tap with a questioning quirk to his brow.

"Something harder tonight but not the acid you gave me before." He watched the other man throw some ice in a tumbler and pour bourbon over the cubes before sliding it over. "I never said I was a detective," he said casually as Ryan grabbed another glass and poured a finger for himself before downing it easily.

The Irishman swallowed down another shot before replacing the bottle to the shelf, "If you're only concerned about bodies you work in homicide and if you work in homicide you're a detective. Based on the fact I've never seen you before yet you worked a case close by I'm guessing this is the end of your jurisdiction which puts you at the 12th precinct. Also because of how you don't compensate your weight for the piece on your hip shows you've done this a while, confidence seen in your gait indicates at least five years."

"You notice a lot more than I give you credit for," he said, clearly impressed and a little unnerved that the bartender noticed so much while he was just sitting here relaxing.

Ryan's eyes twinkled as his grin widened, "In life you can either be big and stupid or small and smart. I think it's obvious which one I am."

Esposito laughed and nodded, "I like that, I'll have to tell Castle that one." Seeing the other man's cocked eyebrow he continued, "Rick Castle, he's shadowing my partner."

"Castle… Castle…" he repeated quietly before suddenly snapping his fingers. "The writer? He's following your partner? Why?"

"Research for his books but I'm thinking it's less about research now and more about my partner," he answered with a smile.

Ryan refilled his empty glass and set down the bottle on the bar, "You cool with that?"

Esposito instantly nodded, "Wasn't sure about him at first but he's a good guy, if my partner can ever realize she likes him I'd be fine with it."

"You got a picture of your partner? I like faces to go with names." He took the other man's phone when it was offered and whistled, "I'd be hanging around too. Don't think I've ever met a cop that looked like that before." Both men laughed and the two continued talking lightly as the hours flew by until a large yawn escaped Ryan, "Last call man, I'm beat."

Esposito looked at his watch and whistled, "Wow didn't realize how late it was." He threw down a few bills on the counter and stood as he stretched and slid on his jacket, his eyes watching the other man flitter around switching off lights and slipping on a brown leather jacket. "What about the till? Break in's are pretty common."

Something about that statement must have been funny because Ryan began to laugh, "Don't have to worry about anybody breaking in here."

"Your girlfriend going to be pissed you stayed out so late?"

Ryan frowned in confusion, "You talking about the girl from earlier?" At his nod he shook his head, "Saoirse's got a great mouth on her," he began with a lecherous grin, "but as soon as she uses it to talk I'm reminded of why funding for public schools is so important. I need somebody that keeps me on my toes, not someone who just smiles and nods when I speak about anything that's more complicated than the colors of the rainbow. So to answer your question, no, no one will be pissed I stayed out late. Only thing waiting for me is a comfy couch and warm bed. What about you?"

Esposito shook his head as he exited the bar followed by the shorter man who locked the door and pocketed his key ring. "Got out of a relationship a couple months ago, just starting to get over it."

"What happened?"

Esposito kept his eyes trained on Ryan as he answered, "I came home to him with somebody else." Ryan froze for a second and looked away from Esposito as a frown covered his face. "Something wrong Catholic boy?" he asked with a hard tone.

He shook his head quickly and looked up, embarrassment coloring his cheeks. "No! No, you just didn't strike me as…"

"Gay," Esposito finished.

Ryan was blushing furiously as he walked towards the end of the building, hands stuffed into his pockets. "I don't judge bro, I take the love from where I can get it if ya catch my drift. You just didn't seem the type, caught me off guard."

Taking the apology at face value the detective smiled, "Sorry about going on the defense, I take enough crap from people now I just react."

"No worries have a good night."

Esposito waved to the other man and watched as he continued walking down the block whistling an Irish tune until he turned a corner and disappeared. This little friendship he had fell upon was giving him something to look forward to, a familiar face that didn't judge him and would listen quietly to anything he wanted to say. He enjoyed talking to Ryan, enjoyed staring into his beautiful blue eyes as they conversed about whatever they felt like that day. It was exciting that maybe one day it could be more but for the time being he was happy to just have someone to go to after work.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and he was grabbing a late lunch after taking a break from paperwork when he looked across the street and noticed a familiar face talking to a large man with red hair. The two seemed to be in a heated discussion and Esposito watched as they walked around the corner of the building and into the alleyway. Knowing he shouldn't but finding he couldn't help it he threw away the rest of his food and jogged across the street to try to listen to the conversation. Ryan knew a little about him from his ramblings but he knew absolutely nothing about Ryan. He hadn't noticed it until recently but when they spoke the bartender only answered in vague statements or questions that redirected focus away from himself. All he really knew was he was a bartender, had a sister, and was bi. Not very much compared to everything he had spoken about, it was alarming how easy it was to share with someone he knew nothing about. Arriving at the entryway of the alley he stood off to the side and tried to hear what was being said.

"You best do what you're told, he don't like repeatin' 'imself."

Ryan's familiar voice spoke next, his tone angry. "If he had something to say he'd say it to my face ya fuckin' prick. Now why don't you quit acting the maggot and go fuck yourself?"

"You think you're so tough ya little gobshite? I could break ya in half!" The sounds of a scuffle met his ears and he carefully peered around the corner where the man was slamming Ryan against the side of the building a full foot off the ground. The red head's large hands were clenched in Ryan's jacket and he almost intervened but stayed back when Ryan pulled a pistol out of his jacket and pressed it to the other man's gut.

"Put me down or I'll make you Danny Boy." Apparently the threat was real enough that Danny dropped him and stepped back a hair. Once his feet were back on the pavement he shook his head, "Now stop making a scene before somebody notices. You know this is why I'm in charge of it and not you even though you're head's so far up his ass you can't see daylight. I always do as I'm told, I gave him the orders and the cash will be there tonight. I'm not new at this you fuckhead and you best remember that or ya might be missing a kneecap soon."

Both men glared at each other until Danny began to turn and Ryan stuck his weapon back in his jacket. Esposito pulled back barely in time and took a few steps away.

The large man suddenly appeared with an angry expression and stormed down the sidewalk shoving people out of the way. A moment later Ryan appeared with a cocky look only to have it morph into a true grin when he spotted Esposito. "Detective! Fancy seeing you here."

He couldn't help but smile back at the familiar smirk but his mind was still on everything he had heard. What was Ryan in to? "Just grabbing some lunch. How's it going?"

Ryan shrugged, "Good, just wandering about a bit on this fine day. Working a case?"

"Nah, just paperwork man. They don't tell you about all the paperwork when you become a cop." Esposito's phone began to ring and with a sigh he pulled it out. "Esposito… on my way."

"Duty calls," Ryan exclaimed with a hint of sadness in his voice.

He slid his phone back in his pocket, "Never lets up. Hey uh… I have to see how this body plays out but if you're not busy maybe we can hang out later. Pizza, beer, and a game?" He watched as the blue eyes that had been worming their way into his dreams narrowed. Time seemed to stand still and he was sure he was going to say no. Maybe he was being too forward, maybe he had misread the entire situation because Ryan seemed to be eyeing him like this was all an elaborate scheme to an uncertain end.

"As long as it's not the crap beer you drink I'm in," he finally replied.

Esposito laughed, "Done. Give me your number and I'll give you a call once I know what's going on with the case."

Ryan nodded and read off his number before waving goodbye to the detective who was already backing away with a smile.

Esposito's smile fell as soon as he turned, what was he even doing? There was obviously something illegal going on with Ryan and he had just threatened someone with a deadly weapon. He should be arresting him not inviting him to his place but there was just something about him that he couldn't ignore, couldn't deny. All he could do was pray that whatever was going on they both wouldn't be destroyed by it.


	3. To Be The Sad Man

**Huge thanks to Alsa Ravenwood, deelove1, Guest, ZeAllseeingman, red2013, and foxfire222 for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this.**

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Long after the sun had set Esposito swung open the door to his apartment to reveal an exhausted looking Ryan who grinned tiredly and entered. "You look wrecked man."

"It's been quite a day, plus it's…" he looked down at his watch, "Almost midnight."

After slipping off his black jacket the two dropped down onto the couch and munched on the pizza that had arrived shortly before he got there, Esposito turning on his pre-recorded football game. "You watch football bro?"

"You mean your American bastardization of the sport and not Caid?" he replied dryly. He let the other man squirm a bit before he grinned, "Whenever I get the chance." He leaned forward and grabbed another Guinness off the table, "So what happened today? A murder?"

Esposito was finding that the bartender had a much wider and dryer sense of humor than he first thought. "Yeah man, it's crazy how many people die everyday just in this city."

Ryan's flinch was barely perceptible and he let out a forced laugh, "I bet."

It was clear as the game progressed that Ryan wasn't going to make it to the end, his eyes kept drifting closed and he kept leaning to one side before jerking back to his original position. Hoping he wasn't overstepping boundaries he snaked an arm around the Irishman and pulled him closer. To his pleasure Ryan snuggled into his side and buried his face in his neck with a whispered sigh. He suppressed a shiver as his companions warm breath softly puffed against his skin, the heat from his cheek warming his shoulder.

This wasn't good, wasn't good at all.

He was falling hard and fast for the slighter man, from his gorgeous blue eyes to his slightly cocky words that did nothing to conceal the adorable dorkiness underneath. Ryan seemed shy when he first began talking to him, almost standoffish really but once you got him talking you couldn't shut him up. He knew more about Star Wars than Esposito thought possible and random facts seemed to pop up in conversations showing he lived for knowledge. He had a love for technology unlike anyone else he had ever met and had let it slip he collects Zippo lighters.

A couple hours later the game ended and Esposito clicked off the tv leaving the room bathed in the soft glow from the kitchen light. His fingers lazily moved up and down his companion's arm and he rested his cheek on his soft spiky hair for a few quiet minutes allowing himself the luxury of being close to another person. Not wanting to move but not wanting to make Ryan uncomfortable by letting him spend the night he gently shook the smaller man, "Ryan, games over bro." The other man mumbled something but never moved so he tried again. "Come on, you need to go home."

Ryan blinked sleepily and pulled back slightly to yawn, "Sorry, guess I was more beat than I thought."

Esposito nodded and walked towards the door following Ryan who was stretching his back and grabbing his coat. He slipped on his leather jacket and turned, "I'd say it was fun but I was asleep for most of it. Maybe we can hang out again when I'm not so tired."

Esposito grinned and nodded, "Sounds good." He wanted to kiss him goodbye, if only for a confirmation that this was a date of sorts and Ryan held some feelings for him but he refrained. If Ryan only wanted to be friends it wouldn't do him any favors to come onto him after only really hanging out once. All the worry was for nothing because Ryan took the choice out of his hands a second later.

Figuring he had nothing to lose he grabbed Esposito's tie and pulled him closer before pressing his lips softly against his. To his delight the other man kissed back and gently nudged him backwards until his back hit the door. The kiss deepened when Javier slid his tongue past his lips but they still kept an almost lazy pace, the only aggressive thing about it Esposito's posture. Ryan kept his arms hanging loosely at his sides but he couldn't have moved them even if he wanted, Esposito's larger frame was smashed against him and his hands were planted firmly on the wood biting into his back preventing hardly any movement.

It could have continued but a nagging in the back of his mind told him to stop this, that it was dangerous to continue for more reasons than he could count. Forcing the words out he pulled back slightly until the back of his head was resting against the door, "As tempting as it is to stay I should really go Esposito."

The dark skinned man placed one final light kiss on his lips and stepped back with more self-control than he thought he possessed, "Call me Javi."

Ryan grinned and swung open the door, "Call _me_ later."

"I will Ryan."

He turned and began walking down the hallway but paused and turned with a small blush, "Kevin, my name is Kevin."

The next day at the precinct Esposito couldn't keep the smile from his face, which of course Castle instantly picked up on. "And what has you smiling so large?"

He instantly dropped his smile and squared his shoulders, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Beckett failed at stopping her smirk, "Must have been a good night. What's his name?"

Esposito sighed, "Don't we have a murder to solve?" That instantly popped Beckett back to work but Castle shook his head at the diversion.

"Give us something, you haven't been this giddy in months."

Knowing he needed to throw him a bone or else he would be hounded all day he thought of something to tell. "He has the most amazing blue eyes, the color is indescribable."

Castle's smile grew at his soft tone, his friend was completely smitten whether he realized it or not. "How about, 'Pools of blue so bright that they seemed to have stolen the color of the sky from heaven itself, a blue so deep one wondered if it was possible to drown in them'?"

Esposito glared at his light teasing, "Like I said before, don't we have a murder to solve?"

It took four long days to finish the case and in those four days Esposito never tried to call Ryan once, he could only hope that the bartender wasn't taking it the wrong way and that whats-her-name wasn't spending time with him while he couldn't. He fished his phone from his pocket and went to the still unfamiliar number and hit send, after a few rings the call was answered.

"_What?"_

Esposito could barely hear him over the noise but could clearly hear the impatience in his snappy tone, "It's Esposito, this a bad time?"

Shuffling could be heard followed by a few shouts and curses Esposito had no idea what meant, _"Some guys can't handle their liquor. Haven't heard from ya in a bit."_

He picked up on the almost hidden hurt and felt bad he was the cause of it. "Heavy case bro but I just finished it. You working late tonight?"

"'_Til two but if you don't care I can come by after that. I'm pretty wired from all the excitement."_

"Sure bro. Would it be easier for me to go to your place?"

"_Actually yeah." _He recited his address before a loud crash and shattering glass could be heard. _"The fuck is wrong with you!" _he shouted away from the phone. _"I have to go, I'll see ya half past two."_

The call disconnected abruptly and Esposito wondered how Ryan handled himself with a bunch of rough drunks on a daily basis. After arriving at his home he showered and took a much needed nap before grabbing some takeout and going to the address he was given earlier. He knocked and waited for the door to be unlocked and when it opened Ryan was standing there looking disheveled and sporting a split lip. The shorter man stepped to the side to let him enter and locked the door behind him. Esposito had noticed on his way over that Ryan didn't live in the best part of town but some things couldn't be helped, at least he had a shotgun behind the door. He could only hope he legally owned it.

Esposito set down the food and turned to face his companion. He lifted his hand and rubbed his thumb carefully across his bottom lip and the cut and frowned when Ryan winced. Blue met brown and Ryan offered a small smile, "I'm fine Javi."

Not wanting to make Ryan feel uncomfortable by him being a mother hen, something he did that his last boyfriend had called to his attention, he just kissed the other side of his mouth and stepped back to glance around the apartment. The interior was a far cry from the outside of the building and Esposito could only barely keep his surprise concealed at how extremely nice it was inside, from the hand painted pictures on the wall to the seemingly brand new kitchen appliances. To the average person it probably looked inviting but to Esposito it looked cold and unlived in. There were no pictures of family, no intimate touches, no knick knacks. It almost looked like someone just picked a picture out of a magazine and copied it. It was just so... _not_ Ryan.

Speaking of Ryan he turned and met his eyes which were watching him curiously. A snort of laughter escaped him when he noticed something. "You dress like a bartender."

Ryan frowned in slight confusion as he glanced down at what he was wearing. It was his usual outfit of slacks, button-up shirt, vest, and leather laced boots. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know. You just look like one."

"Well considering I am one I guess that's not a bad thing. You dress like a cop."

"How's a cop dress?"

Ryan shrugged and walked over to the takeout, "Like you. They always dress nice, but they're not over dressed. Not cheap suits but not expensive since there's a chance you'll destroy it. Even when you dress casual it's not true casual. They walk with this sense of entitlement too." His eyes widened when he realized what he said, "I mean…"

Esposito waved it off, "I get it, relax. So I got Chinese, hope that's ok."

"I love Chinese," he mumbled as he dug into one of the containers. "Mu shu pork is the best."

Esposito walked over next to him and began to eat, "An Irishman eating Chinese, I'm sure there's a joke in here somewhere."

"Why stop there? An Irishman eating Chinese with a Puerto Rican on a table I bought off a Russian. We're like the United Nations."

Esposito paused with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth, "How'd you know I was Puerto Rican? Most people think I'm Mexican."

"I pay attention," he said nonchalantly as he grabbed a bottle of liquor off the counter and two glasses before returning to the table.

The room descended into a comfortable silence until dinner was finished and Ryan had downed more shots of whisky than was probably safe. He was barely staying conscious and Esposito hoped he wouldn't offend him by calling him on it. "You seem to drink quite a bit."

Bloodshot and unfocused eyes met his, "No such thing as an Irish alcoholic." Seeing his answer wasn't making the other man happy he sighed, "I'm fine, just a long day. I know when to stop."

"You work tomorrow?" he asked as he found the trashcan and threw away the empty packages.

A lopsided grin covered the other man's face, "Nope. Finally get a couple days off, and it's been a while. I don't call in sick ever so it's been about fifty-two days since the last day off."

"Why work so much? Don't they pay you ok?"

He stood unsteadily, "Not much else to do, plus they like me there. The other one doesn't listen very well, good thing she's got awesome boobs otherwise she'd been gone long time ago."

Esposito snorted and looked at the time on the microwave. "Seems that wired feeling wore off huh? I'll head out and let you get some sleep."

Ryan stumbled over to him and wrapped his arms around waist, "Don't go Javi, please. Stay with me."

He released a shaky breath when soft lips suddenly wisped across his ear and blunt teeth nipped playfully at his jaw. He didn't even try to deny to himself how badly he wanted this as Ryan grabbed his shirt and kissed him aggressively. It was hot and dirty and Esposito couldn't help but react to the roughness, both men pushing further and refusing to back down. Nips turned to bites, caresses turned to bruising grips and it took Ryan biting his bottom lip so hard it bled for him to realize that this had crossed the line into violent territory.

This wasn't who he had come to enjoy, the person in front of him was unrecognizable. He could enjoy playing roughly just as much as soft and tender but Ryan was beyond intoxicated and his behavior was only proving that with every passing second. This needed to stop. Now.

As the metallic taste of his own blood engulfed his mouth he roughly pushed Ryan away, "You're drunk whether you think so or not. I'm not doing this tonight."

Ryan glared as he stood panting, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. "Fuck you."

Javier turned to leave knowing it was pointless to discuss anything with someone who's had as much to drink as he had but halted when Ryan tentatively grabbed his arm. He turned expecting an argument but was surprised to find slightly scared eyes staring up at him. "I'm sorry. Please don't go. Stay with me, I won't do anything I just don't want to be alone."

He sounded so desperate and exposed, a complete one-eighty from only a few minutes ago and he didn't immediately respond to the request as his mind tried to catch up with what was happening. It was like emotional whiplash.

"Please Javi," Ryan said quietly as his fingers squeezed a tiny bit tighter.

A heavy sigh filled the apartment, "Fine, but we're talking about all this tomorrow. I'll lock up and you go to bed." He watched Ryan sway into a room before turning around and making sure everything was locked and secured. After the lights were turned off he entered the room where Ryan was already passed out under the covers. He set his service weapon on the table next to the bed, slipped off his pants, and slid under the comforter.

Sleep didn't come easily as he stared at the ceiling thinking about the man now snoring next to him. Everything had felt so new and exciting but it seemed at every turn something else unsavory was making itself known. The wheels in his head began to turn as he tried to make a mental list of everything he had found out that put Ryan firmly in the _avoid _category. 1. He obviously had a drinking problem and seemed to be a violent and emotional drunk, 2. He was directly involved with something illegal that involved cash and most likely some type of product, 3. He carried a pistol and used it to threaten people, 4. He worked in a place that most likely had something to do with a gang or the actual mob based off the obvious hierarchy, 5. He was making a substantial amount of money from something other than bartending because even though his clothes seemed casual they were all extremely high end and professionally tailored. Every single reason on it's own was enough to make him walk away without a second glance but all together they created a giant flashing warning to leave right this second.

A small noise from beside him made him turn and stare at Ryan who was trying to get comfortable. The sleeping man rolled over and wrapped his limbs around Javier, his hand gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly while he buried his face in his shoulder.

Esposito's arm automatically wrapped around him and as his soft hair tickled his chin he tried to remember all the reasons he should avoid Ryan, but not a single one would come to mind.


	4. Behind Blue Eyes

**Huge thanks to Demtry, red2013, and Nadreth ****for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this. And the smutiness begins...**

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When Esposito opened his eyes he was alone in the bedroom, a soft yellow glow filtering in through the wooden blinds from the morning light. After stretching out his back he looked around and smiled at what he saw. While the rest of the house was cold this room was entirely Ryan from the vintage movie posters on the wall to the Star Wars figurines on the dresser. The blanket they had slept under was well worn and the nightstand was covered in sci-fi and horror DVDs, the room was painted a pale and calming blue and dirty clothes were thrown into the corner. It was lived in and comfortable and he wondered why the entire apartment wasn't decorated like this. Maybe he entertained people often? He would have to remember to ask him.

He threw off the covers and slipped on his pants before walking out into the living room in search of the owner of the bed he slept in. He glanced around and didn't see anyone but a hand wrapped around a coffee mug appeared over the top of a plush chair pushed up to the large window.

Not wanting to break the quiet serene morning he stayed silent and walked over to Ryan who was sitting in the stuffed chair reading the paper with a cup of coffee in one hand, his bare feet sitting on the open window ledge. He had on a white t-shirt and plaid p.j. pants but his hair was done indicating he had already showered.

"Nice view," Esposito said quietly as he looked out the window at the sight of the rising sun filtering around the tall buildings on the horizon.

Ryan smiled and folded his paper, "Best part of my day. Except the time that bird flew in here but I don't talk about that." He shifted uncomfortably and looked out the window, "Hey last night, did we…"

Esposito shook his head, "Nah, you were wasted. I'm surprised your liver's not pickled."

Happy that something didn't happen that he didn't remember he chuckled and held up his coffee, "Not yet, this Irish coffee might do it though."

"Really bro? I'm not even drinking and you're giving me alcohol poisoning."

Ryan set down his paper after gulping down his coffee and climbed over the side of chair to get up. "We need to talk."

Esposito nodded, "Yes we do."

Ryan crossed his arms and cocked his head, "What are we doing here? Are you looking for something serious, just a friend, what? Whatever you say I'll take just fine but for me, I just want to have fun. I want to drink and play madden and eat takeout and just do whatever I feel like that day. Life's too short Javi, gotta have fun."

"I know Kev but I can't do some alcoholic. I like you, a lot, but I don't want to get too invested if this is just going to end at the bottom of a bottle. Last night was not _fun_, it was out of control and violent. Not to sound like a public service announcement but whether you realize it or not, you're not you when you're drunk."

Ryan dropped his eyes to the floor in shame and nodded before looking back up but averting his gaze away from Javier. "I apologize for that. I'll pull back from now on."

Esposito nodded and stepped forward to kiss him, a hint of bitterness on Ryan's lips from his coffee making him realize how much he could go for a cup right now. "That's all I can ask for." A smile spread to his lips as he noticed a small tattoo where his neck met his shoulder, only visible because he was in a t-shirt instead of his usual button down. "A tattoo of a shamrock?"

Ryan smiled tightly and he offered a single nod as he pulled his shirt a little trying to cover it. Sensing it wasn't something he wanted to talk about he returned his attention to his face and kissed him again. "So did you want to go do something today or just relax?"

He shrugged, "Both? Lets go get something to eat, I'm starving bro." Both dressed, Esposito choosing not to comment on the balisong Ryan slid into his right front pocket.

A while later the two were seated in a booth at a diner and when the waitress approached she grinned at the smaller of the two, "Kevin where have you been hiding that skinny back side? Look at you just skin and bones, this is what happens when you don't eat."

His twinkling eyes crinkled at the corners when his grin grew and he tilted his head slightly, "What can I say? I get busy Mary."

She shook her head fondly before looking at the other man and looking back, "Brought a handsome stranger with you today huh?"

Esposito laughed under his breath and held out his hand, "Detective Esposito ma'am."

Her eyebrows went up as she shook his hand, "Mary, pleasure to meet one of New York's Finest. I was starting to think Kevin had no friends seeing as it's always just him in here."

Ryan looked at her flatly which she didn't notice and Esposito smothered a laugh with his hand. After ordering he leaned back and looked at Ryan who was very obviously avoiding contact. "You took me to your special spot that you don't take anybody else?"

Ryan dropped his face into his hands, "You caught that? It's like you're a detective or something."

"Don't sweat it Kev, I think you're special too," he said as he fought off laughter.

"Shut up," he groaned.

After breakfast arrived; eggs, ham, hash browns, and pancakes for Esposito and just bacon and eggs for Ryan they started trying to actually get to know each other. "So when did you join the force?"

"Soon as I could after getting back from combat. I was overseas for four years before joining. After traffic I moved to vice and a few years later Beckett requested me for homicide, been there ever since."

Ryan's eyebrows went up, "Military and cop? You're like the terminator bro. What do you like better homicide or vice?"

"Definitely homicide, just a better fit and Beckett's amazing."

He pushed his plate away and leaned back, "Sounds like you have a lot of respect for her."

Esposito nodded, "She deserves it. So you went to Catholic school?"

"Don't remind me, I can still feel their eyes watching me all the time. Catholic school is like combat. If you haven't been there, then you don't know," he said with a smirk.

Esposito laughed, "I'll take your word for it. I never really went to Sunday school or church much growing up."

"Heathen."

Both smiled at the other before Esposito really looked around at the diner they were at. "So you come here pretty often? It's pretty far away from your apartment."

Ryan looked out the window, "I come when I can, sometimes it's nice to go where you know you won't run into anybody. Been so busy lately though that I haven't really had a chance to get away."

"I hear ya. So did you always want to be a bartender?" he asked curiously.

Ryan seemed to be struggling with an answer as he opened and closed his mouth a few times. "College wasn't really an option, my career choice was sort of chosen for me. I like it though, not a bad job."

Esposito could sympathize, "Dad a hard ass?"

"He's not my dad," he snapped before chastising himself at his outburst. Mary dropped off the bill with a wink and Ryan slid it over to himself thankful for any sort of distraction, "I got it."

"I can pay for mine."

He shook his head, "Bro, I got this. You bought dinner last night, then I got drunk, made you stay and passed out." A frown covered his face as he stared off into space. "I am a horrible host, no wonder no one wants to come over."

Esposito chuckled as he shrugged on his jacket and followed Ryan out, "Don't sweat it Kev. So now what?"

Ryan looked around before licking his lips, "My place?"

The door banged off the wall as the two fell through the entryway, hot breath and forceful kisses painting each other's skin. Ryan kicked the door shut as Esposito roughly pulled his shirt over his head, revealing pale smooth skin with a small smattering of freckles across his shoulders. Nimble fingers made quick work of the detective's belt, a groan escaping Javier's lips when his hands slid across the smaller man's sharp hipbones. A flash of black caught his eye and he spun Ryan around to see a large tattoo across his upper back and one down his ribs. "That's hot."

Ryan turned back around and slipped his tongue into his mouth sliding along the inside of his teeth, his hands quickly working to drop his own pants after Javier's fell to the living room floor. Upon the bed and stark naked they continued to kiss and lick at each other's skin until Esposito couldn't wait any longer.

"Top drawer," Ryan offered.

He quickly moved off of him and grabbed what he needed before prepping his bedmate, teasing him for a bit before sliding on the condom and covering him. It took all his self control to not come the moment he slid inside the other man inch by excruciating inch, his patience running thin as he tried to be gentle. "Fuck Kev. God you're tight," he gritted out as he kissed down his neck and across his collarbones. He kept waiting for some sort of response from Ryan but one never came, he was being passive and Esposito wasn't sure if he liked it or not. He knew he could be an aggressor, even though his personality seemed slightly timid it was obvious he could take control if he wanted to. Pushing the thoughts from his mind he figured if Ryan wanted to be taken care of he would take care of him but that didn't mean he couldn't push him to his breaking point.

His hips began to slowly move back and forth in a slow torturous pace as he kept himself elevated to see every expression that passed over Ryan's face. His brow was furrowed lightly in pain and his eyes were closed but soon his forehead smoothed and his lips parted as small breaths escaped him in time with every movement. Finally his blue eyes opened and he met Esposito's before he looked away.

Javier liked eye contact during sex. He liked the connection it provided, the intimacy. When people wouldn't look him in the eye it made him feel like it was just mechanical or that they were somehow ashamed of what was happening. Sometimes though, on rare occurrences, it was insecurity that made people look away and he had a strong suspicion that that was why he kept looking away. Maybe he was feeling like he didn't have the right to look him in the eye.

"Kev, look at me."

He did as told and seemed to be forcing himself to not look away. With a patient smile he leaned down and kissed him ardently, "Is this ok?"

Ryan nodded instantly and blushed, "I just wasn't sure… some people don't like you to look at them…"

"I'm not them," he whispered before reclaiming his mouth. He felt Ryan finally fully relax under him and lifted himself up onto his knees to change the angle. The effect was immediate as Ryan began to squirm, his erection painfully hard between them.

Figuring they had all day to get acquainted over and over again he quickened his pace and grabbed Ryan snugly. His hand moved in sync with his hips and when Ryan met his eyes silently begging for permission he could only offer a quick nod before both came, gasps and moans filling the room. They were sticky and covered in thin layers of sweat but neither moved off the bed, they simply lay next to each other, half covered with the sheet as they fought shivers from the apartments cool air hitting their flushed skin. Esposito glanced at Ryan who grinned and wagged his eyebrows causing the after sex tension to evaporate. "Come here," Esposito said softly and Ryan obeyed, scooting over and lying his head on his hands on the dark skinned man's chest.

Esposito lazily ran a hand through Ryan's hair, "I've wanted to do that since I walked into the bar that first time."

"Yeah, me too," he chuckled.

"Really?" Esposito asked. "Because it seemed like all you wanted was for me to just shut up."

Ryan laughed again, "One of your first questions is if I'm here illegally. Not exactly a good conversation starter."

"I didn't…"

He flashed him a flat disbelieving look, "Cops don't ask if someone's an immigrant unless they think they're illegal."

Esposito shrugged, "Fair enough. Tell me about you."

"Like what?" he asked with an adorable scrunch of his eyebrows.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-seven, you?"

"Thirty-three."

Ryan lifted one hand out from under his chin and idly traced over Javier's features, "Have you always been gay?"

He nodded. "There was never any doubt or big revelation. I've always been gay. Didn't act on it too much in high school, didn't talk about it in the military but I've always liked men. What about you, when did you decide you wanted to bat for both teams?"

"I was sixteen when I got my first boyfriend. We didn't last that long since we went to a Catholic school and if anyone found out they would douse us in holy water but he was who made me realize that guys were just as much fun as girls. I typically go for women though," he said honestly.

He let his eyes slide closed when Ryan traced over his eyebrows and lashes and asked, "How many men have you been with?"

"Four, including you. Last one was a few months ago."

They laid in silence, Esposito taking in every feature on his bed mate's face now that Ryan was done running his fingers over his face. He wasn't tan as much as he was darker than other Irish he had seen. His eyes were the most amazing shade of blue, almost unnatural and housed by long auburn eyelashes. A small nose sat about soft pink lips and perfect white teeth. He was beautiful really, masculine yet soft.

"What? Why are you staring at me? Stop it," he snapped in embarrassment.

Esposito pulled his hand to his lips and kissed it, "How tall are you?"

Ryan glared a little before sighing, "God blessed me with many things but height unfortunately was not one of them. I'm five-seven."

"That's not real short, I'm only five-ten. Sit up."

Surprised at the random request he lifted himself into a seated position and shivered when Esposito's hands glided over his back and sides. Rough fingertips traced over the ink between his shoulders and he waited for the inevitable question of what it was or meant but it never came so he stayed silent thankful to not have to explain something he wasn't comfortable talking about. His lids slid closed as goose bumps appeared in the wake of Javier's hands but flew open when a broad palm skimmed down his ribs.

"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread," he recited from the text down the other man's ribs. "Are you a fool Ryan?" he asked teasingly and was surprised by his bedmate's serious nod.

"More than you know Javi."


	5. And No One Knows What It's Like

**Huge thanks to red2013 and Nadreth ****for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this.**

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A week later Javier approached his boyfriend's door with a small smile. It felt good to say that word, _boyfriend. _Of course he was only assuming they were exclusively together but Ryan seemed to be loyal and he knew he himself was. Shouting heard from inside the apartment made him slow his steps. He knew he shouldn't listen, that it was rude and not any of his business but this sounded volatile enough that he felt compelled to stay close just in case. A woman was arguing with him and from what he could tell it was about their relationship.

"_What do you mean 'don't come around anymore'? I thought this was going somewhere Ryan."_

"_You're kidding me right? I mean we've been doing this for months and I've never even taken you on a date. It's been pretty obvious this was only for fun plus I'm with somebody now."_

"_Who?"_

"_It doesn't matter."_

"_Ryan, I love you."_

Esposito felt his chest constrict and held his breath while he waited for what the response would be.

"_Don't pull that, I'm not changing my mind. Don't make a scene __Saoirse__ just get out."_

Heaving a sigh of relief he heard footsteps and retreated slightly to stay out of the way. The door swung open and the tiny woman with short blonde hair from the bar walked out wearing a dejected frown, "Don't give up on us Ryan." Without warning she pulled a shirtless Ryan into a kiss that made Javier's gut clench, her hands wandering over skin that only he was meant to touch.

Ryan grabbed her shoulders and gently pushed her back, "I'm sorry Saoirse, it's over."

The woman finally stepped back with a glare and watched Ryan shut the door before stomping down the hallway only pausing when she saw Esposito. She stopped in front of him and sneered, "So you're the new flavor of the week?"

Bristling at the rude comment that he knew wasn't true he squared his shoulders, "I suggest you keep walking."

The woman's hands clenched into fists and Javier balanced himself in case of an attack by the miniature woman. "I saw him first."

What, were they in grade school? Esposito shook his head, "Nah it don't work like that. He's mine. Do you hear that? Mine." So maybe he was acting a little catty but so what? Bitch had it coming after touching his boyfriend.

The woman tensed and looked like she was going to throw a punch but finally spun and left. With a large sigh to push the tension away he walked to Ryan's door and knocked, when it swung open he grinned at his boyfriend who was looking particularly adorable today with his hair not done and sitting against the top of his forehead. Ryan smiled brightly in greeting and flipped the knife he was playing with shut. "Hi Javi."

"You're going to cut off a finger with that."

Never one to pass up a chance to give someone a hard time he flipped open the balisong before fanning it and flipping it open and closed effortlessly, finally closing it one final time. "Haven't cut off a finger in fifteen years."

"What? You've had that since you were thirteen?" he asked in disbelief.

"Birthday present from a friend," he began before walking up to Javier. "Don't worry about me losing a finger, I'll still be cute with nine digits."

He shook his head, "You're not that cute." At the shorter man's pout he grinned and pulled him into a kiss, his arms wrapping around him possessively. He would never call him _his_ in front of him because he knew it would bother him but in his mind he knew Ryan belonged to one person. When he saw the bartender all he wanted was to protect him from whatever made him wake up in the middle of the night with fear radiating off him and smother him in affections that he seemed to so desperately need.

"You had dinner yet?" Ryan asked. When her answered no Ryan grinned widely, "I'll make something. I'm no chef but I make up for it with enthusiasm."

Esposito smiled but groaned when his phone rang. After checking the display he held it up, "I'm going to step out to take this. Hopefully I don't have to go in." He exited the apartment for a short time to speak to Beckett before quietly reentering. It was moments where he got to watch the other man without his knowledge that he truly enjoyed. Staying at the outskirts of the kitchen he smiled at his boyfriend who was munching on raw carrots while he chopped celery. When he finished he flipped the knife in the air before snatching it and lying it down, his hands wrapping around a bottle of whiskey next to him and lifting it to his lips for a swig.

"Can you juggle them too?" Esposito teased as he made his presence known. His eyes widened when Ryan grabbed the knife and two more, "Kevin don't, I was kidding."

Ryan grinned and flipped the knife in the air before throwing up the other two until he was juggling all three large kitchen knives. "What do you think Javi? Could I make it as a carny?"

He could only watch in fear and awe, "Yeah, I think you could. Why do you know how to juggle?"

Ryan carefully caught all three knives and set them down, "People like juggling bartenders, like serving alcohol and dealing with drunks all day isn't enough. I get better tips when I entertain people. Do you have any hidden talents I should know about?"

Esposito grinned, "Yes but I'll show you mine tonight."

When evening finally fell Esposito lay on the bed with a grin listening to Ryan sing in the shower. It was just another thing that he liked about him, how no matter what he _had_ to sing in the shower and he always sang Irish tunes he had never heard of.

"Mary Mac's mothers makin' Mary Mac marry me. My mothers makin' me marry Mary Mac," reached his ears and he smothered a laugh as his boyfriend sang so quickly he couldn't understand half the words being said. When the water stopped Ryan switched to humming and eventually exited with a pink flush to his skin and wearing just boxers. "Are you laughing at me?"

Esposito shook his head fondly and switched off the muted tv as they both got comfortable under the covers, Javier pulling Ryan's back flush against his chest and kissing the nape of his neck. "Goodnight Kev."

"Night Javi."

Two weeks later Esposito entered the bar and glanced around before finally spotting Kevin at one end of the empty room emptying glass out of a rag into the trashcan. Once the glass shards fell he dropped back down and continued cleaning up the mess. "Drop something?" he asked as he made his presence known.

Ryan looked up at him and quietly shook his head before looking back down, "Somebody threw it."

Noticing his trembling hands he got as close as he could without going around the bar and watched him finish cleaning up the broken bottle. When he got closer he heard Ryan shakily humming _The Beatles_ Let It Be and with a frown he noted wetness on the side of the bartender's head, he jumped out of his seat when he realized what it was. "Holy shit Kev you're bleeding. Somebody threw a bottle at your _head_?"

He tried to wave off his concerns and offered a weak laugh, "Tough crowd."

Esposito raced around the counter and grabbed a clean towel before wetting it and gently cleaning the blood off his hair and scalp. His arm slid over Ryan's shoulders and held him close while he patted and wiped the blood away before finally spotting the gash. "I don't think you'll need stitches but that has to hurt. Who threw it Kevin? It's not ok for people to hurt you."

Ryan leaned fully into him accepting the comfort, "Don't worry about it, I can take care of myself."

The detective held him closer and while he disagreed with that statement based on his frequent injuries he stayed quiet. Ryan twisted in his grip until they were facing each other and tilted his head up to capture his lips. The kiss was timid, Esposito keeping it light considering they were in a public place and he wasn't one for heavy PDA. When Ryan traced along his bottom lip with his tongue he opened his mouth to tell him to behave but as soon as his tongue plunged into his mouth he could only react.

Esposito felt his cock twitch when Ryan moaned, hands clawing to bring him closer while he shamelessly rutted against leg. "Kev, we can't do this here." His words said no but his body said yes as he held him closer and stuck his thigh between Ryan's legs to give him more friction.

Ryan shook his head and began to unbuckle his belt, "No one's here but us and today's the day the security tapes get switched. Fuck me Javi. Right here. I want to think of you every time I work."

He groaned when Ryan slid his hand into his briefs and pushed him away before turning him and bending him over the lower part of the bar. His larger body covered his companions but he stayed still, "I don't have anything with me."

Ryan squirmed underneath him and pushed back into his groin. "I trust you. Stop talking and just fucking do me."

"Demanding," he teased as he dropped his pants and pulled down his briefs. His hand reached around and quickly popped the button on Ryan's slacks and a second later he thrust into him.

Ryan cried out at the quick intrusion and panted heavily in pleasure and pain as his companion gave him a minute to adjust. With a small nod Javier began to rock forward into the smaller man, grunting every time he hit bottom. He watched Ryan's eyes drift almost shut as he laid his cheek down on the cool metal surface and leaned over to place a kiss to his temple.

"Harder Javi."

He picked up his pace and pounded into Ryan who was gasping with every thrust, hands clenched tightly around the edge of the counter. The metal bit into his hips and he tried to push away to prevent himself from bruising but Esposito wasn't giving him any wiggle room. It was forceful and rough and Javier seemed to know exactly what he wanted.

"More," he panted and moaned when he felt a large palm between his shoulder blades push him harder into the counter.

A thin sheen of sweat littered both their skin and the detective tightened his grip on Ryan's narrow hips before shifting and changing the angle. His eyes drifted to the door, "Just think Kev, someone could walk through that door right now. Is that what you want? Someone to see you being fucked?"

Ryan whimpered underneath him, "Please Javi. I'm right there." He could have kept going, made Ryan wait until he begging more than he already was but someone walking through the door was a very real threat and he wasn't in any way an exhibitionist. The hand still planted between the wriggling man's shoulders slid down his spine and around to cock, it only took a few pulls for Ryan to cry out his release.

His hips began to move erratically as he lost his momentum, all thoughts gone as he continued to fuck into his sensitive boyfriend who was only held up by being sandwiched between the counter and him. Finally he stuttered and dropped down onto Ryan's back crushing him to the counter as he came, body convulsing at the intensity of his orgasm. Both lie panting harshly, Esposito resting his cheek on Ryan's vest as he continued to lazily move back and forth still inside him. He hadn't done something this crazy in a long time and a small laugh escaped him at how Ryan could make him do things he never imagined with little more than a few words and some well placed caresses.

Even though he couldn't get any air in this position there was no way in hell he was going to tell Esposito to move off of him. It had been years since he felt this alive, this connected to a person. To his dismay the weight on his back disappeared and he stood and pulled in a deep breath of oxygen. Both cleaned themselves up and redressed before Esposito leaned against the counter with Ryan in his arms, his thumb gently caressing the smooth skin above his belt where he had missed getting his shirt tucked all the way back in. "How's your head?"

Ryan lifted his hand and touched it gingerly to the cut, "Not bleeding anymore, still have a headache though."

Esposito wanted to push it, wanted to know who had hurt his boyfriend but if Ryan didn't want to share he couldn't make him. It wasn't his job to make sure Ryan was taken care of, even though he wanted it to be. He had to let the man deal with his own problems.

"You should probably get on the other side of the bar, someone's bound to come in eventually."

He kissed his forehead softly before rounding the bar and sliding into a seat, "I can't believe I just did that."

Ryan laughed and gulped down some water before shaking his head, "You act the part with your police job and all your morals but I know better. You are no innocent Javier."

He pursed his lips together and accepted the beer placed in front of him, "I do good until you're there."

"Consider me the devil on your shoulder," he said in a sinful tone with a wicked smirk, eyes especially blue and filled with lust.

Esposito cleared his throat and looked away trying to keep himself under control before standing on the edges of the bar stool and leaning over the counter to grab the tv remote. He flipped idly through the channels and paused on a talk show.

Ryan watched for a moment before laughing as a man explained he felt emasculated by his girlfriend in the bedroom. "Gotta love daytime talk shows."

They watched for a while, both laughing as more weird things began to be said about what goes on behind closed doors. "Weirdest thing for you?" he asked Ryan.

"Girl liked me to strangle her during sex," he answered instantly with a small frown. "I didn't like to, felt wrong to be choking her but she wanted it and threatened to leave me if I didn't. Said it made it more intense. I accidentally made her pass out once and to my horror she wanted me to do it again."

Esposito shook his head with a grin, "Kinky but I've got you beat. Ever heard of pony play?"

"No," Ryan said in disbelief before laughing. "No way."

"Yes way," he said as he too laughed. "I'm out with this blind date, everything's going well and we go back to his place. No warning, just starts talking about it and getting out riding crops and shit. Once my brain got caught up with what was happening I got the hell out of there. I'm open minded but that is just plain crazy."

Their good humor died when the door swung open and two tall men entered and walked over to the other end of the bar wearing twin smirks that did nothing to contain the darkness in their eyes. Ryan swallowed thickly and walked over slowly waiting for them to order. "Johnny Walker Blue midget, just give us the bottle."

He immediately did as told and flinched when one of the men laid a hand on his hair and rubbed back and forth like you would do to a dog, "Good boy. Who's a good boy?"

Esposito's hands tightened into fists at how they spoke down to his boyfriend but stayed quiet not wanting to make it worse than it already seemed to be.

The other man leaned forward over the bar and roughly grabbed his chin before slapping his cheek hard enough for Esposito to hear it, "Answer 'im half-pint. Who's a good dog?"

Ryan jerked away and glared, his hands clenching into fists but he paled when the one with the shaved head held up his cellphone, "Do ya want me to call 'im so he can teach ya some manners? I heard he wasn't too happy with ya this morn. Now I'll ask ya one last time, whose a good dog?"

"Me," he said quietly in defeat and shame.

Both men began to laugh and after grabbing the bottle disappeared into a door in the very back. Ryan just stood still for a long minute before walking back to his companion, his eyes trained on the floor.

Esposito wanted to go beat some respect into those two, wanted to provide comfort to Ryan who at twenty-seven was still being teased for his size and threatened. He wanted to ask Ryan why the hell he didn't stand up for himself but recognizing his embarrassment he simply looked back at the tv and took a drink from his glass as he forced himself to stay calm and give his boyfriend a free pass. His hand clicked on the remote until stopping on the weather, "Looks like a big storm is coming."

Ryan glanced up at the tv and nodded, "Definitely a big one."


	6. To Be Hated

**Huge thanks to Demtry, red2013, and Nadreth ****for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this. A lot of the inspiration for this chapter came from the song Short Change Hero by The Heavy. You should have a listen, it's pretty good.**

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Esposito whistled to himself as he grabbed his coat off the back of his chair at the precinct and walked to the elevator. "Hot date tonight?" Castle asked from beside him. "You've been with him for a while now, I think it's time I sit him down and ask him his intentions."

He flashed a mock glare before entering the elevator, "I actually haven't talked to him today, I was going to swing by his work and maybe get some dinner with him."

"Where does he work?" he asked curiously.

Both exited on ground level, "Like I'm telling you. When the time's right I'll bring him around. Why are you leaving so early today? Beckett's still here."

"Alexis wanted help with her science project, I can't deny that child anything. So I've noticed you're letting your hair grow, could that have something to do with your mystery man?"

Esposito just rolled his eyes and walked to his car, there was no way he was confirming to Castle that Ryan wanted him to grow his hair out and that he had been powerless to deny him anything. An hour later Javier entered the bar and looked around at all the people scattered in a few booths along the back wall and Ryan standing off to the side of the bar speaking to the man with black hair that he had seen only a couple of times before. No one seemed to notice him and he watched the larger man whisper furiously to the bartender before he backhanded him so hard he almost fell over. Ryan tried to steady himself as blood oozed out of his mouth, his chin trembling as the viscous fluid dripped lazily off his lips. No one even seemed to react to the abuse and Esposito got the sinking feeling that this happened quite a bit. The man said something again making Ryan turn with wide fear filled and embarrassed eyes to see Javier. Before the detective could even take a step he was grabbed around the arm by his boyfriend and jerked outside. "Bro what the hell was that?"

Ryan looked nervous, more than nervous. Terrified. "You need to leave _now_ Javi. Get out of here," he said quickly as he pulled out a hanky and rubbed the blood off his lips and chin.

The taller man frowned, "What are you talking about Kev? That guy just hit you I should go beat his ass. Does this happen a lot? Is this where all your bruises and cuts come from?" Everything clicked as he thought about all his various cuts and bruises over the time he had known him. Bartenders dealt with rough crowds at times but they didn't get beat up like Kevin did. He was a victim of frequent abuse and he hadn't even realized it, he was a terrible boyfriend and detective. How long had this been going on that he now just accepted it as his life?

Ryan was shaking as he ran a hand through his hair, "I can't talk right now but you need to leave. You should have never come here. Leave and don't come back." He turned to leave but stopped when Esposito grabbed him.

"Talk to me, what's got you so spooked? Why do you take shit from that guy? I mean look at you, you're already bruising," he said softly, his fingers gently tracing over his cheek.

Ryan jerked away, "Are you fucking deaf? Get out of here! Don't ever come back, forget about the bar… about me."

"Whatever's happening I can protect you," he said desperately.

A hysterical laugh bounced off the walls of the alley, "No one can protect me, he's everywhere. You don't belong here." Before Esposito could stop him he ducked under his arm and backed away. "Don't come back, ever."

"Kevin talk to me bro."

Ryan took a few steps forward, "You want to talk, how's this? We're over. Don't call me, goodbye." He spun and fought the tears that were gathering in his eyes forcing his feet to keep moving even though his heart was breaking with every step. Javier was the best thing that had happened to him in years, his only light in a world of darkness but he had snuffed out the flame. Had been forced to. Esposito was too important, too much of a hero to be dragged down to his level. His teeth ground together when he thought about how stupid he had been to not turn him away that very first day, he could have just avoided all this but he had just been so nice to him. In his life of pain and hate it was nice to have someone who cared, someone who wanted to take care of him, even if only for a short while.

Esposito could only watch in shock as his now ex-boyfriend backed away and eventually turned and walked back into the bar. He could have gone after him, probably should have but it hurt so much that he just stood there until finally driving home. This had been real and even though they hadn't been together for that long he knew that he could have been with him for years, maybe forever. That wasn't an option anymore though, now he just had a broken heart and a head full of memories.

Almost two weeks passed and he realized this really was over. He hadn't gotten a phone call or anything and the two times he tried to call there was no answer. He still had so many questions about what had even happened but the only way he could get answers would be to go to the bar and demand them but he wasn't in a place yet that he wanted to see the other man. He missed him severely, from his small mischievous smiles to the way he fit perfectly against him. At least he had a case to focus his energies on, a new double homicide and as of today they still had hardly any leads.

"Esposito you with me?" Beckett asked as she took in his spaced expression. Seeing his nod she looked out the window of the cruiser. "So our witness says to look for a man around this area. Height approximately 5'8", short brown hair and he's said to be wearing an olive green leather jacket today." They scanned the area with the vague description until someone caught Beckett's eye. "I think that's him let's go."

They exited the car and began to follow the man, Esposito getting a bad feeling when he saw an almost familiar gait on the suspect, and when he sped up slightly Beckett knew they had been spotted. "Espo go around the side of the building, keep your radio on."

She quickened her pace and when she was close enough shouted, "NYPD stop." The man never hesitated before breaking into a sprint. "He's running!" she radioed. Becket ran as fast as she could weaving in and out of people and objects but the man was too fast and disappeared around a corner before she could stop him. "I lost sight Esposito."

Esposito saw the man dash around the corner and instantly gave chase. He was fast and seemed to know every nook and cranny in every alley. Seeing he wasn't going to catch him on speed alone he took a risk and cut up a different alleyway. He was right at the end when he grabbed the man and shoved him against the side of a building. The man struggled and caught him with an elbow to the nose before breaking in to a sprint again.

It more surprised him than anything, the hit not near as hard as he had anticipated and he quickly followed him. It was a full two blocks away when he finally caught up to him again and he cursed when he saw he was already climbing a fire escape. Done with messing around he ran forward and grabbed his legs before jerking him to the ground where he continued to struggle.

"Stop resisting," he shouted as he finally wrestled him to the ground and dug his knee in between his shoulder blades. He slapped on the handcuffs and flipped the man over to see him, jaw dropping and eyes widening as sky blue met mocha brown.

"Hey Javi."

Esposito kept his face neutral when he entered the interrogation room and saw a relaxed Kevin Ryan sitting across from Beckett wearing a bored expression and a pair of handcuffs.

"Mr. Ryan," Beckett began. "Tell me about yourself." Seeing he wasn't going to cooperate she sighed and flipped open the file, "Kevin Dylan Ryan born July 27, 1984 in Brooklyn to Liam and Muirne Ryan. Mother and father deceased, one sister who lives in Chicago. A theft charge, possession charge, a couple disorderly conducts and an assault charge but that's all. Other than a temper you seem suspiciously normal Kevin, now explain to me how someone like you gets involved with the mob."

Esposito had to work hard to keep himself in check at the word _mob_. He knew something was going on with the man across from him and the mob had entered his mind but he had refused to acknowledge it. He could have looked him up in the system but that would be a breach of trust, now he was wishing he would have just to be better prepared for this conversation.

"Was it the loss of your parents? It happens all the time Kevin, people prey on children that don't have a home or people there who love them. They use them as mules or train them to take on tasks that won't be traced back to them. Is that what happened?"

Ryan never even blinked.

Beckett shook her head, "You can try to stay quiet or deny it all you want but our gang unit and narcotics division have proof you're associated with very powerful people doing very illegal things. It seems though that the proof stops there. Did you finally trip up Kevin? Murder the wrong people? They might not be able to prove you've done anything but I will. Do you have anything to say to that?"

Ryan leaned forward and his eyes flashed to Javier's before looking back at Beckett with a mischievous grin, "They're after me Lucky Charms."

Beckett hastily pulled out photos and threw them down on the table. "Is this funny to you? Two people are dead. Do you recognize either of them?"

He picked up his cuffed hands and sifted through the brutal pictures without so much as a grimace before shaking his head, "No. Never seen 'em with or without the back of their heads missing."

Beckett sighed heavily, "Mr. Ryan you could be facing murder charges, where were you on the night of the thirteenth?"

"Working."

"Where?"

He sighed and moved slightly making the cuffs rattle under the table, "At the pub on Katonah from four until two."

She scribbled down the note, "Can anyone confirm that?"

"Yes. Lot of patrons and the boss can."

"Are you aware the pub is owned by Edmund Boyle, the boss of the Irish Mob?" The room descended into silence until Beckett spoke again, "Why did you run from us Mr. Ryan?"

His eyes narrowed slightly and a different air began to surround him, "Because the last time the law knocked on my door I got a night stick to the head and a warning that a piker like me should know to keep his head down."

Esposito finally spoke, "You were assaulted by an officer? When?"

"Quite a few years back, it's not something you just forget. A limey goat calling me a…"

"What?" Esposito wondered.

Ryan crossed his arms and spoke quietly, still simmering. "A narrow back paddy. Said it right to my face and I couldn't do a damn thing about it." He noticed Esposito rubbing his nose a little and frowned, "Nose ok? I tried not to hit you too hard."

Esposito offered a barely there smile and nodded.

Beckett felt like she was missing something in their interaction but pushed her thoughts aside and set her hands on the table casually. "Mr. Ryan I'm sorry you had a bad experience with an officer but I need you to give me more than you are. I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself."

Ryan leaned forward with a cocky expression, "Help me? You're not helping me now. See, you think I did something that I didn't. I think you're running down false leads by liars. Is this how you operate detective, running around chasing your tail?"

Esposito's eyes narrowed as Ryan insulted his partner. When it was just him and Ryan he could almost forget about their different lives but seeing him sitting on the opposite side of the table acting like every other suspect was a reality check. Ryan wasn't a cop; he was a criminal with a record who didn't like police. They were from completely different worlds and with every passing second it was getting more obvious.

Beckett jumped up and slammed her hands down on the table, "You know something and you will tell me sooner or later."

Ryan grinned and held up his hands, "Ohh scary. I like you, you're a firecracker. Why'd you even bring me here anyway? What _lead _did you follow?"

Esposito leaned forward, "We have a witness who says that you were speaking to someone who might be directly involved with these murders. That means you either know who did it or were involved yourself."

A laugh filled the room, "That's it? That's why I'm here, because some guy said I was talking to someone who _might_ be involved? Let me guess who it was." He snapped his fingers, "Riley. I bet it was Riley."

"We're not going to discuss who…"

Ryan shook his head, "You blinked, it was him. Next time you see him give him my regards. Oh here's a good tidbit, did you know Riley is on so much crank that he can't usually remember his name?" He shook his head and laughed again, "Next time try paying him, he seems to pay a little more attention when he's got cash in his pockets."

"I'm sure," Beckett replied dryly. "I can keep you here all day, tell me what you know."

Ryan shook his head as he rubbed his hand over his upper lip. "I may have been speaking to someone who may have known something about the two stiffs. I talk to a lot of people, hard to keep track ya know?"

Beckett leaned forward and glared at Ryan as she spoke quietly, "I will find out what you know. I will follow you, hunt you. I will make your life a living hell."

Ryan licked his lips and leaned forward so he was only inches from Beckett before speaking in the same soft tone as her. "You have no idea what you're starting, what they're capable of. If I were you I'd keep that pretty head down and let this go."

"Are you threatening me Mr. Ryan?" she asked in a dangerous tone.

He shook his head, "It's not me you should be worrying about Detective Beckett."

A tense silence filled the room and when Ryan leaned back and looked down at the floor Beckett stood and shook her head. "You don't want to talk? Fine. We'll put you in holding for a while and see if that changes your mind. There are all kinds of interesting people down there today."

Esposito stood and followed the pair downstairs and it took everything he had to not say anything when they placed him in the cell with a few other men who dwarfed him. Ryan allowed them to remove the cuffs before walking into the cell calmly and wrapping his fingers around the bars, his intense stare locked on Javier. His expression was amused but his eyes were filled with longing and he smiled softly when he looked over his ex's slightly longer hair, even though they had broken up he was still letting it grow. There was hope.

Esposito forced himself to turn around before their eyes could meet and followed Beckett out. As soon as they exited holding he turned to Beckett, "I need to tell you something…"

When the door slammed shut Ryan sighed and turned to look at the larger men who were starting to surround him. With a click of his tongue he slipped off his jacket and laid it to the side before he began rolling up his sleeves to his elbows, "Can't we be gentlemen about this?"

His answer came in the form of a punch to the side of his head.


	7. To Be Fated

**Huge thanks to Nadreth ****for the review and to everyone else who favorited this.**

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When Esposito finished telling Beckett his connection to the suspect she groaned, "Esposito why didn't you tell me earlier? Anyway until his alibi checks out he's a suspect and you need to eliminate all contact with him."

"Not a problem considering we broke up two weeks ago," he said bitterly.

Beckett squeezed his arm, "Maybe it was for the best."

Castle chose that moment to come strolling through the doors with an excited smile, "What do we have? Anything new?"

Beckett gave Esposito a flat look before turning to Castle, "We found our suspect but he gave us an alibi, we also found out who Esposito has been seeing."

Castle frowned in confusion for a moment before his eyebrows shot up, "Our suspect? Oh my God this is so juicy. Where is he?"

"Bro, seriously?"

Beckett opened her mouth but paused when two officers ran past her. "What's going on?"

"Holding. We've got a riot."

Esposito's eyes widened and he, Beckett, and Castle ran for the stairs to the basement. Javier's heart was pounding in his chest, how could this be happening? Would he even still be alive when they got there? Everyday he had wanted to see those blue eyes and now that he had he might never see them again.

Everyone burst into holding and came to a screeching halt in front of the cell. "What in the world?" Castle whispered.

Every single person in the cell was lying on the ground broken, battered, and bleeding and in the center of them was Ryan standing there panting and flexing his hands that now contained bruised knuckles. He looked over and grinned at them, his teeth stained red with blood and his hair sticking up wildly, "You should have an officer down here. Little guy like me could get hurt."

Esposito let Beckett and Castle talk because if he opened his mouth right now who knew what would come out of it. Seeing Ryan in front of him panting and grinning and looking entirely too cocky with his victory made his jeans feel way too snug. He knew Ryan liked to fight, liked the adrenaline and the excitement and while he had never seen him actually throw fists he had been told by him there's only one way to burn off the energy of a good fight and that was a good fuck, and even though he was pissed at him right now all he could think of was taking him right here and right now.

When their eyes met he knew Ryan was aware of what he was doing to him and hated that this man could read him so easily. Forcing down his lust, which took some doing, he looked at Beckett who he realized was still talking.

Castle began to laugh as Beckett shook her head in disbelief, "How did you manage to take out all these men?"

His grin grew as he shrugged and held up his fists jokingly, "I watch a lot of boxing."

Beckett elbowed Castle to get him to stop laughing and looked at Esposito, "You're in charge of him while we get this cleaned up. He doesn't leave your sight or the precinct until we check his alibi. Handcuffs on and attached to your desk."

Esposito swallowed thickly at the idea of cuffing Ryan and nodded before shifting uncomfortably as more inappropriate thoughts assaulted his mind. After opening the door and handcuffing him he led him to the elevator, "I thought you were gonna be toast."

Ryan didn't answer until they were inside and the doors had slid shut, "I can handle myself if need be. It's good to see you."

"I wish I could say the same but after you dumped me and showed up as a murder suspect the shine has kind of worn off."

The handcuffed man sighed heavily, "I'm sorry Javi, I wish I could tell you what happened but I can't. I've missed you, I never wanted it to go down like that. I know you missed me, it's written all over your face."

Esposito shook his head angrily, "I'm supposed to say everything's cool? You insulted my partner and I. You work for the mob bro."

Ryan turned to face him better. "Look at me, look me in the eyes," he pleaded desperately. "You know me, you know there's more to it than that. Forgive me please? I can't stop thinking about you, about us. I made a mistake."

The dark skinned man stayed quiet as he led him to the bathroom to get him cleaned up before bringing him to his desk and handcuffing him to it. Once they were settled he looked at Ryan who was looking dejectedly at the handcuffs and pulling gently on them as he tested his boundaries. "I did it for you," he whispered.

"Did what?"

"I didn't want them to hurt you." Not knowing what else to say on the matter and not wanting to pressure Esposito too much he looked around at the desk, "So this is where you work? Seems right boring to me, I think I like my job better."

Esposito snorted.

"At least at my job I get to drink. You know I wanted to be a detective when I was younger. I was six and was walking home from catholic school when I saw these guys grab this couple. They pulled them into an alley and all I could do was watch. I was so scared that I just stood there and watched as they stabbed them over and over." His eyes glazed over as he recounted his story. "The lady, she looked at me right before they slit her throat. She looked right at me and knew that I let her die."

"You were six Kevin, there's nothing you could have done. They would have just killed you too. I know you said something about your job being chosen for you but why stick with it?"

He shrugged and tried to manage a grin, "Guy like me? I'm not made for what you do. I watch bad things happen, I don't prevent them."

"What bad things do you watch happen?"

To his surprise Ryan kept speaking quietly as he stared into space, "Horrible, horrible things. Things no one should ever have to watch, to think about. Nightmares, horrible nightmares that you wish you could wake up from. So much blood. You think after time you'd grow numb but you never do, you never do."

"Who does these things Kev?" Feeling bad for taking advantage of Ryan's emotional hypnosis but wanting to help him he kept his voice low and even. He watched as he opened his mouth but just as he sounded the first letter a detective shouted across the bullpen, "Esposito!"

Ryan sucked in a sharp breath and looked around wildly as he jerked his arm in the handcuff. "Ow," he groaned when it wrenched his wrist. "What just happened?"

"You kind of spaced out there for a minute. Hang on." He rose from his chair and walked over to the other detective as Ryan sucked in deep breaths trying to calm himself. His attention was grabbed a second later by a pretty redhead stepping out of the elevator.

Alexis walked out of the elevator and looked around before releasing a sigh when she didn't see anyone she knew.

Ryan saw where she was looking and sat up straighter, "Looking for Beckett or Esposito?"

She walked over to him but stopped a few feet away when she noticed his cuffed hand, "Rick Castle actually."

"He's down in holding with Beckett, there was an incident down there. Since you're here could you do me a favor?"

She frowned heavily but didn't move away.

He leaned to one side to grab his wallet but remembered it had been taken along with all his other belongings before they put him downstairs. "Could ya grab me a soda from the machine? I'll pay ya back." Seeing she wasn't moving he smiled softly, "I promise no funny business and you won't get in trouble, please?"

She sighed before walking around the corner and returning a moment later with a can of cola. She passed it to him and after he took a sip she crossed her arms, "What are you doing here handcuffed to Detective Esposito's desk?"

"Well until my alibi checks out, and I promise it will, I'm here on murder charges. So how do you know Castle?"

Finding she couldn't ignore his Irish charm and honesty she sat down in an empty chair a few feet away. "He's my dad."

"Really? Must get your red hair from your mother then? My sister has hair just like yours, or at least she did last time I saw her. Been quite a few years."

She frowned, "I'm sorry to hear that. My mom and grandmother have red hair. I'm Alexis by the way."

He leaned forward and grabbed her hand gently when she extended it, "Kevin, pleasure to meet you. So what brings you down here today?"

When the elevator opened Castle and Beckett exited just in time to see Alexis sitting next to Ryan laughing at what he was saying. She slapped his arm and he laughed harder before pointing to her and saying something, which made her shake her head in disbelief. Castle ran forward as Beckett looked for Esposito, "Don't talk to the murderers honey."

Alexis rolled her eyes and looked at a grinning Ryan. "He assured me he didn't kill those two people."

"Yes of course he did," he mocked as he gently steered her away from him.

Beckett approached and crossed her arms, "What were you talking about? She's a minor."

Ryan looked truly offended, "Just friendly conversation, I'm not a sicko. You leave me here with nothing to do like some sort of criminal. Everybody keeps looking at me like I belong in the zoo."

Esposito came around the corner with a cup of coffee and looked at Beckett who was glaring at him. "What did I tell you to do? He was talking to Alexis."

"I was gone for like five minutes and he's handcuffed to a desk, what's he going to do?"

Ryan nodded earnestly, "Yeah, what am I gonna do?"

She rolled her eyes and sat down on the edge of the desk near Ryan, "Listen carefully. You are here and not being transferred as a courtesy to Detective Esposito and because I'm afraid you're going to permanently maim everyone in lockup. If you give me a reason to I will find something to put you away for."

Ryan met her gaze steadily, refusing to back down.

She leaned down closer to him, "If you want to play I'll play. Evading law enforcement, assault on a police officer, obstruction of justice, aggravated assault on multiple counts. Shall I go on?"

The seconds ticked by until Ryan leaned back in the chair and smirked, "I'll be good Detective."

Castle reappeared after sending Alexis away and handed him a copy of his latest book, "You read?"

He snatched the book out of his hands and opened it. "I'm not illiterate if that's what you're asking and thank you. Treat me like an animal…" he mumbled. The trio watched him for a second more as he began to read until he stopped and looked up at them, "Stop staring, it's creepy. You all need to learn proper etiquette because your hospitality sucks."

Everyone walked away except Castle who dropped down into Esposito's chair and stared at him quietly before Ryan began to feel uncomfortable. "Can I help you with something?" he finally asked in an awkward tone as he set the book down on the desk.

"I'm Rick Castle," he offered in greeting. "Esposito never told us about you, well he did but only vaguely and didn't really go into detail. You're different than his past boyfriends."

"Different how?" he wondered aloud before slapping himself mentally for asking such a ridiculously question that clearly displayed his insecurities.

Castle eyed him up and down and Ryan couldn't help but fidget a little under his gaze. "He usually goes for men with dark hair and eyes but that's just superficial stuff. You..." he trailed off as he seemed to be warring with himself on what to say. "I'm trying to decide if you two are compatible."

His bluntness threw Ryan for a loop and he could only stare with a slack jaw before dumbly asking, "Are we?"

The writer tilted his head a little and his eyes narrowed before he leaned forward, Ryan unable to not also lean a little as he awaited the answer. "Not at all. You two are complete opposites that I really can't even picture having anything truly in common. I imagine you two would argue about everything."

Ryan slumped a little and offered a small accepting nod but snapped his eyes back to Castle when he continued, "That's why you two are so perfect together though. No one wants to spend time with themselves, we'd all go crazy. I'm guessing your calm/crazy thing you have going on keeps him feeling young and he offers you the stability that, based off your file, you don't have. You're two sides of the same coin, completely opposite yet necessary for the other to survive. He's strong and silent, and you're more delicate and definitely more talkative."

His eyebrows rose slightly as he thought about everything he said until he frowned, "I'm not delicate."

Castle just nodded, "Yes you are. Compared to Esposito, physically, and from what I can tell just from our interactions, emotionally."

Knowing he was on the losing end of this discussion he shrugged and tried for nonchalance, "Well none of it matters. We broke up two weeks ago."

Castle grinned and shook his head, "Regardless of what you two think, you did not break up. Well I'm off to find Beckett." Whistling a jaunty tune he hoisted himself out of the chair and walked around the corner as Esposito reappeared and claimed his seat. No words were spoken between the two as the detective got back to work and Ryan slowly picked up the book again, his mind far away from the smooth cover under his fingers.

An hour later Ryan set down the book and looked at Esposito, "What're you working on?"

He glanced over before looking back down, "Paperwork for the last case."

"Don't be mad bro. Give me another chance please."

Esposito threw down his pen and leaned over so their conversation would be more private. "You're hiding things that I can't be a part of. It's like you're another person Kevin," he spat.

Ryan wanted him to understand, _needed _him too. "I never lied about who I was."

A pair of high heels came into view and he looked up at Kate Beckett. "Mr. Ryan your alibi checks out you're free to go, for now." She undid his cuffs and dropped his belongings next to him before walking away.

He rubbed his red wrist and looked at Esposito who wouldn't even look up from his paperwork. With an accepting nod he whispered, "No matter who I am I'm still yours Javi," before grabbing his belongings and turning and walking over to the elevator. With one final glance back at the man who wouldn't even look at him he slipped inside and disappeared.

As soon as the doors closed Javier looked up and gritted his teeth against the emotions that were clawing their way to the front of his mind. His heart told him to run after him, to try again to make this work because he was secure enough to acknowledge that their relationship had been something truly special but his mind kept him firmly seated. It just hurt too bad, it was too confusing with Ryan dumping him in an alley with absolutely no explanation then showing up and begging for them to be together again.

Two days went by until Esposito couldn't stand it any longer. He had to talk to Ryan, had to know the truth about everything. Remembering the last time he had tried to go to the bar he made sure his gun was loaded and on his hip before exiting his car and walking into the bar. When he entered he walked over to the counter and was surprised to see a woman instead of Ryan.

She smiled cheerfully as she walked over, "What can I get for you handsome?"

"Where's Ryan?"

She frowned, "Boss said he called in sick today. Can I help you with anything?"

Before she even finished the sentence Esposito was sprinting out the door, his heart in his throat. _'I don't call in sick ever'_ repeated over and over in his mind as he ignored his car and fell into a full sprint down the block. He had never ran so fast in his life and after a hectic knock on Ryan's apartment door and no answer he tried the handle and cursed that it was unlocked. One look at the door jamb and he could see where someone had jimmied their way inside. Esposito burst inside and looked around before noticing numerous dirty and unfamiliar footprints across the entire apartment. He pulled his gun from the holster and quietly walked through the apartment room to room checking for the intruders and more importantly, Kevin. The last room to check was the bathroom and with caution he grasped the closed door handle and slowly turned it. When the door swung open he could only stare in horror at the site in front of his eyes, his forearm automatically covering his mouth and nose to keep himself from gagging at the sickly metallic smell of blood.

Kevin's blood.


	8. To Telling Only Lies

**Huge thanks to HeadCaseInJuly27, Nadreth, auntof3, red2013, and UrbanBorn ********for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this.******** All your reviews, follows, and favorites keep me motivated!**

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As a fan of the horror genre and a real life police officer Esposito had seen more terrible things than he cared to admit, but nothing could have prepared him for what laid before him. It was a scene straight out of a horror movie.

Blood. Everywhere. The horrible metallic smell was overwhelming and all he could think of was all the crime scenes that smelt just like this. Like death.

The tiles on the wall and the floor he stood on were splattered with blood and smeared handprints were seen on the door handle where he had obviously tried to get away from his attacker before being dragged backwards. The mirror was shattered from an impact point that looked suspiciously like the size of Ryan's head and the tub faucet was dripping steadily on to Ryan's bare feet.

"Kevin!"

He holstered his gun and ran forward to the tub where Ryan was laying awkwardly, blood coating most of his soggy clothes and skin. A thick black wool bag was over his head and his ankles and wrists were tied together with frayed twine biting into his skin. He was shivering slightly and quiet, not even giving a reaction to hearing someone else in the room with him.

Esposito dropped down beside him and after carefully removing the bag gently touched his bruised and busted face, "Kevin wake up bro. Come on don't do this to me. Let me see those beautiful blues." He pulled out his phone and quickly dialed 911, "This is Detective Esposito badge number 42152, I need a Bus now." After reading off the address he quickly hung up and checked Ryan's pulse point, cursing at how sluggish it seemed.

He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife before running back and cutting through the twine wrapped tightly around Ryan's appendages, his hands trembling as he held up his wrists and stared at the irritated skin that was beginning to bleed now that blood flow had been restored. Not even thinking about other injuries he carefully pulled the smaller man out of the tub and laid him on the floor all the while trying to keep it together which was proving difficult with all the blood everywhere.

"Please wake up. You can't die on me, I won't let you."

Ryan suddenly coughed and stiffened in pain as he grabbed his stomach. Seeing his tight expression he grabbed a towel off the rack and after lifting his saturated shirt carefully began wiping away blood, he was met with a large stab wound. "Hold on Kev, everything's going to be ok. I should have been here, I'm sorry. I should have kept you safe," he said shakily as he pressed the cloth to his stomach, his trembling hands clenching around the soaked material.

The minutes seemed to crawl by as the puddle under Ryan grew until half the bathroom was covered in water and blood. "J'vi."

Esposito looked down with hopeful eyes, "You there bro? Just hold on help's coming."

Ryan blinked slowly as his bleary eyes tried to focus. "'m sorry for everythin'. I'm so s'rry 'vi," he slurred.

"Don't talk just breathe ok?"

Pain filled wheezes filled the small room and Esposito held him closer when he began to shake more violently. He was small but right now, curled up in a fetal position and barely hanging on, he looked downright tiny. They half-sat, half-laid on the floor both clutching each other desperate to keep the connection, fear that if one let the other go they would never see them again. Ryan's eyes kept drifting shut and his grip was getting more and more weak with every passing second.

"Don't do this to me Kev. Please stay with me," he said desperately as he grabbed one of his hands only to pull back when he realized his fingers were broken. "God, what did they do to you?"

Ryan coughed again and gagged, water and blood spilling on to the floor. Esposito frowned, "Where'd the water come from? Why did you swallow water?" He never got an answer because at that moment the door burst open as paramedics flooded into the apartment.

In emergencies he was usually the calm and collected one, somehow staying detached to help the victim but right now he was just in shock. The EMT's asked him what happened but he had no idea and when they asked if he was alright he could only nod and stare down at his blood soaked clothes. "Where are you taking him?" he asked anxiously as they loaded him onto the gurney and lifted it.

"Bellevue," one immediately answered. Not wasting any time they quickly wheeled him out leaving Esposito standing in the bathroom alone and drenched in the blood of the man he loved. He loved him. That revelation should have him excited and thrilled but now it just felt cruel that he might never get to actually say it out loud. His brain switched to autopilot since he couldn't seem to think and a short time later he found himself at the hospital in clean clothes with Kevin's keys in his pocket from him locking the door. The blood could wait to be cleaned up from the apartment, not like it wasn't going to stain everything anyway.

After the umpteenth time asking for updates and them informing him they could only speak to family he lost it. Slamming his badge, that he had thankfully grabbed, down on the table he barked out, "He doesn't have any fucking family! Go find out what's going on!" At her stunned face he slapped his hands down. "Now!"

Seeing her scurry away he realized he should have handled that better but he couldn't worry about that right now. Somewhere in this death infested hell hole Kevin was being poked and prodded and hopefully sewn back together and he needed to know if he was even still alive at this point. Apparently his badge and temper got his point across because only a few minutes later the woman reappeared with a nervous expression. "Mr. Ryan is still in surgery, they're trying to stop some internal bleeding. I promise you if I hear anything else I will let you know."

Well at least it was something. Not much, but something. "Alright. Thank you and I'm sorry for... before."

The woman smiled hesitantly and sagged in relief when he walked away.

Hours later Beckett and Castle entered a hospital room and walked over to Esposito who was seated next to the black and blue covered bartender, his hand covering Ryan's broken one. "I spoke with the doctor, he said there was quite a bit of ice water in his lungs," Beckett said quietly.

"Consistent with torture," Esposito finished bitterly.

Esposito, Castle and Beckett all stood inside the room over the sleeping Ryan for a while. It was Beckett who broke the tense silence, "Esposito I know you don't want to think about this right now but it was most likely his ties to the mob that caused this. Do you know if he does anything in particular for them? Does he have a specialty?"

The Puerto Rican man shook his head angrily, "He's not like that. He's just a bartender, that's it."

Castle opened his mouth but snapped it closed abruptly. "What?" Beckett asked.

He glanced at Esposito before answering, "What if someone found out he has ties to a detective? What if they didn't want the chance of secrets getting out? Just because he doesn't do anything in particular doesn't mean he didn't hear or see something that someone would want to keep quiet."

Esposito's head dropped in defeat, "So then this is my fault. I said I could protect him and then I let this happen."

"Protect him from what?" Beckett asked softly as she laid a hand on his shoulder to provide comfort.

Esposito looked at his battered ex-boyfriend's face and fought off tears, "He wouldn't ever say. He was spooked, terrified a few weeks ago. I walked into the bar and some guy was smacking him around. Whoever he's mixed in with has him running scared."

Beckett sighed, "It's got to be the Irish mob or maybe one of the gangs associated with them. It's the only thing that makes sense but unless he talks we have nothing. I'm going back to the precinct to try to dig up what I can, are you staying here Espo?"

He nodded, "For now. I'll come in tomorrow and see what you found." A few minutes after they left he looked up at a soft knock and smiled tiredly at Lanie.

"Hey sugar, I heard you could use a friend right now." With quiet steps she walked over and peered at Ryan for a few seconds before looking back to him, "So this is the boyfriend?"

"Ex," he said gruffly.

Lanie simply hummed at his statement and sat down next to him, "What'd the doctor say?"

He gave a weak shrug, "A bunch of stuff that I have no idea what it meant. Pretty sure it was all just fancy talk for _he got the shit beat out of him_."

Lanie smiled softly and picked up the chart before frowning heavily and flipping to the next page quickly. Esposito instantly picked up on her changed expression. "What? Is something wrong?"

"Not wrong per se," she said slowly. "Has Ryan ever been in a car accident or anything severely traumatic?"

"Not that I know of why?"

She pursed her lips and flipped through the pages again before shaking her head, "Beckett told me a bit about him and his involvement with unsavory people."

He was starting to get a knot in his stomach from her avoidance. "Lanie just tell me what's wrong with his chart."

"Javier," she began softly. "His x-rays show numerous old breaks, way more than what could be considered normal. He's been in and out of the hospital five times in the last three years with injuries ranging from severe concussions to a broken arm. Coupled with all his defensive wounds from today I have to think that whoever is causing these injuries is one person or one group. Someone's been after him for years."

Not having a response for that he just opened his mouth and let his mind wander. "Doc said he looked like he had laid there for about four hours before I got there. He was alone and bleeding to death with a bag over his head for four hours and was at least partly conscious the entire time." With haunted eyes he turned and looked at Lanie, "They had to pick out six shards of glass from his head where someone slammed him into the mirror. I just…"

"I know honey," Lanie said quietly and rubbed her hand across his shoulders. "Tell me about him, not about all this but about him."

Esposito stared at his ex-boyfriend for a few seconds before looking back to Lanie, "I think you'd like him. He's a trouble maker, light-hearted and fun. You can tell he's been through things, as much as he tries to hide it you can still tell but he still just has this energy. He get's excited about the stupidest things and has all these little quirks that are so ridiculous and his hair is this auburn color that sometimes looks more red than brown and.… and… I can't lose him Lanie."

Lanie quickly gathered him into a hug when he finally broke down and rubbed her hand up and down his back. "You won't. I know it looks bad sugar but his wounds will all heal, I can't say about his emotional ones but the physical ones will. You have to stay strong because he's going to need you when he wakes up. It might take some time but he'll get back to himself but in the meantime you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of a personality change. This could go two ways once he wakes up, he could either be extremely needy or just close himself off. Just know that no matter what he says or does he's going to need you."

The next morning Kevin pried open his heavy and uncooperative lids and glanced around at the unfamiliar surroundings. He coughed at the dryness in his mouth and throat, the noise waking up the other occupant in the room. "Kev? Hey bro it's good to see you awake," Esposito said quietly from his bedside.

Kevin looked confused and after a drink of water he asked, "How'd I get here?"

Esposito grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently, "What do you remember from yesterday?" He watched Ryan stare down at their hands and almost smile before something akin to anger sparked deep in the depths of his blue eyes and he pulled his hand away, Esposito instantly missing the warmth.

"First off how bad is it because I'm feeling pretty all over numb right now. I'm not missing anything right?"

Esposito cleared his throat and shook his head, "Sprained wrist, dislocated shoulder, three broken fingers, numerous bruises everywhere and a few lacerations, stab wound in the stomach, concussion, and internal bleeding from repeated hits to your kidneys." When he was finished he was finding it hard to keep it together. "They lost you once on the table but brought you back and they're scared you'll get pneumonia from the water in your lungs."

Ryan just nodded slowly as he took it all in. "So other than some scars I should be ok right? No maims or missing appendages or anything?"

"Yeah you should be good but it'll take a while for everything to heal. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I was getting ready for work yesterday and I was getting ready to shave. I never even heard the door so they must have came in when I was showering. There were quiet a few of them but they put the bag over my head so fast I'm not sure how many. Tied me up because I tried to run, hammer to the fingers, kicks coming from everywhere, threw me into the mirror. Next thing I knew my head was in ice water, I fought all I could but they held me under so long I had to breath. They were good, never spoke a word and stuck me where it'd take a while to bleed out. Lifted me and dropped me in the tub, I was awake the entire time and I just kept wishing I would pass out but I never did. I was able to pull the plug somehow so I didn't freeze to death or drown. I don't know how long I was in there, last thing I remember is you being there and talking but I have no idea what you were saying."

Esposito frowned heavily at his detached tone, "Do you have any idea who would do this?"

Ryan nodded slowly and opened his mouth but a nurse entered and he quickly snapped it shut. After checking him over and filling out his chart she handed him some pills which he took without question and left the room with a promise the doctor would be in soon.

The room descended into silence once she was gone until Ryan spoke quietly but firmly, "I don't want ya here out of pity. I've been knocked around before and survived just fine. Ya didn't want anything to do with me and I don't want this to change your mind."

Esposito shook his head, "I'm not a good pity guy Kev. I've missed you too, that's why I went to the bar to see you but they said you were sick. I'm not stupid so I ran to your apartment and found you. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'd like to try again if you're up to it. We all have our secrets and I shouldn't judge you because of yours."

Ryan looked at him closely before his lids began to droop, the pain medication taking effect as a fog began to fall over him. "I can't do this right now," he said as he lost the battle and his eyes slid shut.

"Ok, no pressure," Esposito whispered. "I have to go home before work but if you need anything call me ok?" He never got a response from the already slumbering man.

Almost a week later the doctor stood at the end of the bed looking over his chart. "Well Mr. Ryan you're healing nicely and I'd like to release you but it says you have no family and you're not married. I can't allow you to be alone, there's still a high chance that your internal stitches could rip or you could develop respiratory problems."

Knowing this would change everything for better or worse he released a heavy sigh and read off a phone number. An hour later Javier walked through the door with a smug look on his face. "Ready to go?"

Thankful he was already dressed Kevin glared but nodded and carefully moved himself to the wheel chair by the door. After stopping at his apartment for Esposito to run up and gather some of his clothes they made their way into the detective's apartment where Ryan collapsed onto the couch in severe pain. He had tried to stay stone faced but the pain was reaching unbearable levels, "Javi, make it stop please. It hurts so bad."

He grabbed his pills and a glass of water and handed them to him before sitting down next to him and pulling him carefully to his side. "I know bro, I know. Try to take it easy, when you tense it makes it worse."

They sat closely on the couch until Ryan finally began to relax as the pain ebbed, neither moving away from the other until Esposito had to leave him to make dinner. With stomachs full both began to get ready for bed, Ryan reluctantly letting him help since with his wide array of injuries doing things by himself was near impossible.

"You can have the bed, I'll sleep on the couch," Esposito offered from by the doorway.

Ryan fidgeted a little and glanced at the bed, "You don't have to. Just… stick to your side."

Smiling internally Esposito just nodded and after making sure Ryan was situated he flipped off the light and climbed under the covers, Ryan's soft breathing lulling him to sleep.


	9. But My Dreams They Aren't As Empty

**Huge thanks to auntof3, Nadreth, and red2013 ****for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.**

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Early the next morning Esposito opened his eyes to see Ryan passed out only a few inches away. His eyes wandered over his long lashes sitting against his bruised cheeks and the small healing cuts scattered across his brow. His hand rose to touch him but he paused a hair's breadth away, the pads on his fingers warming from their proximity to his bedmate's skin. He wasn't his to touch anymore and even though he wanted to ignore that fact he would never take advantage of the fact Ryan was asleep. Pushing away his feelings of longing and guilt he climbed carefully from the bed and fixed the blanket before leaving the room and silently closing the door behind him. As an afterthought he reentered the room and found some pj pants for him, since his pants were sure to be uncomfortable with the wound on his stomach, and laid them on the bed for when he woke. They would definitely be too large but beggars can't be choosers.

Coffee was of course the first thing he accomplished and only after he had a full cup did he start to wake up. Last night had been horrible, from having to wake up Ryan every few hours to give him pain pills to him waking up screaming from nightmares about the attack and God knows what else. When he tried to comfort him he would push him away physically and emotionally so all he could do was lie there and watch him suffer, it was draining on many levels.

In the morning silence he sat and thought about everything that had happened with Ryan. He needed to find out who had attacked him but he didn't want to pressure him too much right now, his fragile emotional state making him be more patient than he usually was. His phone beeped and he grabbed it and read the text from Beckett, she hadn't found anything that could help track Ryan's attacker and they had hit yet another dead end on their recent double homicide.

Small sounds alerted him to the fact Ryan was awake and he waited patiently not wanting to crowd him or make him feel rushed. He glanced up when Ryan stumbled out of the bedroom and couldn't help but grin at how absolutely adorable he looked with his out of control bed head and dressed in a pair of his sweatpants that were just a hair too large and drug across the carpet behind him. It was male pride thing, he could admit it, but he liked to see Ryan wearing his clothes even though he mostly swam in them. Ignoring the splotches of black and blue and every other sickly color of the rainbow splashed across his skin along with patches of gauze he took a moment to appreciate how smooth Ryan's skin was as it stretched and glided over lean muscle. His eyes drifted down from his narrow neck to his firm chest and stomach and down the thin line of hair from his naval that disappeared into his low slung boxers. Realizing he had just jumped from adorable to fuckable he forced his attention away, the last thing Ryan needed right now was to be jumped. Bad choice of words.

Ryan trudged into the kitchen and just stood there with hooded eyes that kept drifting shut. "'m tired Javi."

Taking pity on him he got all his meds together and led him to a chair to sit down, "It's always tough sleeping with injuries. You want some coffee?"

He shook his head, "No caffeine. Chocolate milk."

Fighting a laugh at the request he nodded and turned to see if he even had anything to make it with, he lucked out. He set down the glass and watched his friend stare at it before looking up with huge doe like eyes, "Bendy straw?"

Huffing in fake annoyance he found one next to the plastic bags in his cabinet and handed it to Ryan who snatched it and happily sucked down his chocolate milk after swallowing all his medication. Esposito yearned to touch him but refrained since he wasn't sure if they were together or not right now. All he wanted to do was keep him safe from harm, not because he couldn't handle himself but because he just seemed like he needed someone to. Ryan was small, even smaller than him, which was unfortunately saying something and even though he was cocky it was still easy to see the vulnerability he carried everyday. The bartender needed attention and loved any affection thrown his way, only proving he was more insecure than he let on. "Do you want something to eat?"

He nodded, "Please and thanks for the sweats. I might just have to steal these, they're pretty comfy."

Esposito smiled softly, for them not being together it sure felt like they still were. Hopefully Ryan and he would work through everything soon because he had no idea how he was supposed to live in such close quarters and not touch him.

"So there's some things I need from my apartment. Personal stuff," Ryan said cautiously after finishing off his bowl of cereal.

Esposito turned to face him better and nodded, "No problem. Just tell me what you need and I'll grab it."

"No, I need to get it."

He frowned a little but agreed that they would go together and get whatever he needed. "Alright, well let's get you dressed then we'll go get what you need."

A short time later Ryan entered his apartment and focused on not looking at all the blood, after all it wasn't the first time his life force had been splattered across his home. It almost seemed natural to see his own blood outside of his body. He instantly went to the bedroom and over to the dresser before pressing his back against it and trying to shove it aside.

"Don't hurt yourself, I'll do that," Javier insisted and finished moving it out of the way. "A hidey-hole?" he asked in disbelief when he noticed the large empty space.

Ryan nodded and with his hand that wasn't bandaged he reached into the wall between his bedroom and the living room and pulled out a box and a few hard gun cases in varying sizes. Esposito took the offered objects and laid them on the bed, a frown covering his face when he realized they were all locked. "Kev what's in these?"

Ryan's eyes snapped to his for only a second before he looked away. Both men knew exactly what was in the cases but neither wanted it to be confirmed, neither wanted to shatter the extremely delicate truce that had seemed to be called between the lawman and the outlaw. It almost hurt that Javier had even asked but his brief moment of eye contact had confirmed that even though he had vocalized the question he did not want an answer.

"Things that I don't want in the wrong hands and personal stuff," he finally answered vaguely as he walked over to the night stand and dug his hand to the very back where he pulled out a wad of cash and stuffed it into his pocket before grabbing a gold chain that he slid over his neck and pulled under his shirt. "Ok, let's get out of here."

Esposito glanced around and took in the apartment, "What about all your other stuff?"

He paused and bit the inside of his cheek. "I don't know, I guess when I heal I'll put it in storage until I find a place to live. Can't ever live here ever again, they'll come back for me. Plus my bathroom looks like something out of Saw."

"Can I ask you something? So the bedroom's decorated like... you, but everything else looks like it came out of a magazine. I mean I'm no interior designer but this is some really nice furniture."

Ryan chewed on his lip a moment and glanced around. "A friend bought all my furniture and pictures and things, I didn't really have a say in it. He has expensive taste."

Fighting feelings of jealousy he asked, "Old boyfriend?"

"No," Ryan answered instantly. "A mentor of sorts."

With a nod Javier gathered the cases and followed Ryan out with a mental note to come and pack up his belongings on his next day off. After returning to the apartment Esposito pushed the cases under the bed and stood to find Ryan hovering close by and staring at the floor. "I didn't choose all this," he said quietly.

"Hmm?"

Ryan fidgeted slightly and wouldn't take his eyes off the carpet, "I didn't want to be this… this person. I had hopes and dreams and… morals… but…" He broke off and huffed in exasperation. "I didn't seek out the mob Javi… it just…"

Esposito instantly realized he was trying to make amends for everything that happened at the precinct, trying to apologize for bitter truths slapping him in his unprepared face. Seeing he was struggling with what he was trying to say and getting aggravated with himself he stopped him before he could get himself truly upset. "Everything's cool bro. We'll talk about everything later ok? No pressure right now," he responded as he stepped forward. It hurt more than he'd like to admit when Ryan stepped away from him.

With a forced smile he nodded towards the living room, "Come on we'll watch tv."

With a stiff nod Ryan followed him to the living room and the pair sat down on opposite ends of the couch. In reality they were only about two feet away from each other but in Esposito's eyes it might as well have been two miles. Everything was so confusing right now with Ryan sending mixed signals at every turn. He wanted to be comforted but not touched, he wanted to explain things to ease tensions but didn't want to give anything away. Unable to keep sitting here next to something he couldn't have he stood and walked to the bedroom before stripping and entering the shower. Under the scalding spray he placed his hands on the cool tile and let his head hang, the water droplets pelting the back of his scalp comfortingly. At thirty-three years old he liked to think he had seen and lived enough to be able to handle most situations but now he was just paddling water with no land in sight. He had no idea how to handle this situation with Ryan, no idea how to make things better and it was already getting overwhelming. With Ryan living here he had no escape, no place to clear his mind and he was someone that needed that. He needed time to think about things but with Ryan every time he got something figured out it would veer off course again into uncharted territory, and all he could feel was lost.

As soon as he could hear the shower Ryan let out a shuddering sigh and stared at the empty bedroom doorway. He wanted to be with him, wanted to find comfort in him during this entirely fucked up time but he refrained. They had fought for a reason and all those reasons were still there. Everything in him wanted to just say _screw it_ and go climb in the shower with him but he stayed put because even though it was tough for both right now he was doing the right thing. Javier had a good life and all he would do was ruin it but damn if he didn't want to be selfish. He was completely split between wanting to wait until he was healed and just escaping while he was at work one day to attacking him with kisses the second he saw him come out of the bedroom. Alone with just his thoughts he let his eyes slide shut as he listened to the shower's spray.

When he opened his eyes again it was silent in the house but something smelt delicious. He stood and grabbed the arm of the couch, wobbling when his legs decided they weren't ready for him to move yet. After a few seconds he ventured to the kitchen and found Esposito leaning over the counter staring at his phone and eating pasta. "Nice nap?" he asked when he noticed him.

Ryan nodded and peered at his plate before his eyes drifted to the pot on the stove hungrily. He was lean by the grace of God but he loved to eat and could shovel in more than men twice his size when it came to pasta. Thankfully Javier was aware of this fact and instantly moved to empty the rest of the pot into a large bowl and placed it on the counter since he couldn't carry it with his broken fingers and sprained wrist. He dug in immediately and smiled, "Awesome Javi."

Esposito smiled in thanks, it never reaching his eyes, and kept him company while he finished. "You want to watch a movie?"

Hating that he was the reason Javier looked so tired and unsure he simply nodded.

It started innocently enough, both sitting on opposite ends of the couch watching a movie about something that both men weren't really listening to. About halfway into it Esposito noticed Ryan was getting closer, it didn't seem like he even noticed as he kept changing positions trying to get comfortable.

Ryan heaved a sigh as he shifted again, his stitches itching irritatingly and his shoulder aching. Finally just giving up he sat up and moved to the edge of the couch cushions trying to stay still.

"Kev." He turned and quirked an eyebrow. "What hurts?"

Sighing for the umpteenth time he met his eyes, "My arm and stitches."

"It's the way you're sitting," he said. "Come here."

Ryan hesitated for a second before moving over and sitting next to him, slouching to relieve pressure on his scar and resting his arm on pillows Esposito pulled next to him. After shifting and fidgeting for a few minutes he finally relaxed and leaned back into the other man.

"Better?"

"Better," he said happily.

The movie continued but unbeknownst to both no one was watching it. Esposito could only think about Ryan sitting so close to him and Ryan could only think about how unbelievably amazing Javier smelt. He was used to doing what he wanted in life, choosing to deal with the consequences when they came and right now was no different. _Fuck it_, he thought to himself and pushed away all doubts.

Esposito felt a jolt of electricity race through him when Ryan's fingers began to dance across his thigh and his lips met the warm column of his neck. A warm tongue slid from collarbone to jaw before blunt teeth bit down on his pulse point.

He sucked in a sharp breath as Ryan swiveled around and half climbed on his lap and his hands, which had somehow worked their way to Kevin's hips, tightened causing the Irishman to wince at the bruising grip on his still battered body. Seeing the look of pain he instantly jerked his hands away, "I'm sorry. We shouldn't do this, let's just go to bed." He began to stand but Ryan's good hand grabbed his arm and squeezed.

"I'm not tired."

"Bull." Ryan looked exhausted and his weak grip was only proving it. "Come on we're going to bed."

Ryan let out a keening noise from his throat; a horrible desperate sound that seemed like it should come out of a wounded animal and not a grown man. The terrible noise made Javier finally pause and stop pulling away. "I don't want to hurt you. I mean God Kev, every inch of you is a bruise and we're not even together anymore. I don't want to take advantage of you."

Blue eyes filled with more desperation than should ever be there stared at him anxiously, "Please Javi, I already hurt. I need you. Please. I can't stand it I have to touch you."

He dropped back down onto the couch and cradled him gently, "Shh, I got you. Calm down. Come on." After standing he waited patiently for Ryan to stand and followed him into the bedroom, helping him get comfortable on the bed and switching off the light.

"Javi?" a small voice whispered to the darkened room.

Esposito slid into the bed and scooted over to him, "I'm right here. Just relax ok? I'll take care of you."

A short time later Ryan winced at the pain shooting through him even though Javier was trying as hard as he could to be gentle. The pain felt good, real. It was an affirmation that he was still alive. Surrounded by Javier's scent, his back pressed into the soft mattress and the man he adored on top of him he felt safe, the feeling was almost foreign. No words were spoken, none were needed because Ryan couldn't move without hurting and Esposito already knew exactly what he needed.

The darker man changed his pace slightly and fought to keep himself from going over the edge when Ryan began to make delicious little whimpers and moans. He dropped his head and began to pepper his small nose and soft lips with light kisses, Spanish words of love tumbling out of his mouth. He wanted to say the three little words that kept repeating themselves over and over in his head but he didn't dare, Ryan needed comfort not added emotional stress right now.

His affections moved to his neck and he sucked lightly below his left ear, his hand dropping between them and only a few moments later Ryan tensed, his eyes sliding closed in pure pleasure. Esposito soon followed him over the edge and barely kept himself from collapsing onto the injured man as he rode out his release.

He climbed off him carefully and after cleaning them up he slid back into the bed and spooned his small friend. "Does this mean we're back together?" he asked quietly, praying the question wouldn't be ill received.

"Don't be silly Javi," Ryan said tiredly as he yawned and leaned back into his firm chest. "We were never not together."


	10. As My Conscience Seems To Be

**Huge thanks to auntof3, Nadreth, red2013, and Sirona ********for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this.**** Next chapter will finally give some insight into Ryan's background.**

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Ryan's recovery was coming along slowly and tediously, his body not recovering as well as he wanted it to. The first few days had been all right with Ryan mostly playing video games as well as he could with only one hand and watching tv and movies but as the days went on he began to get depressed. Because his attack wasn't random but planned and carried out by someone he knew Esposito took time off and kept him at his apartment, using a detail at the door when he had to leave for a while. His attack had to be related to the mob and he wasn't about to just send him home with a _good luck_ while he waited for the person who did it to come back and finish the job. No, for now they had to live together and Esposito couldn't help but enjoy that fact.

At the end of the second week Esposito walked out of the kitchen and over to his boyfriend who was just staring at the blank tv screen with dead eyes. After approaching he let his eyes wander over him and even though he was finally beginning to heal he still had a ways to go. "So you haven't left the apartment in two weeks and I think you're getting depressed. I think we should go out tonight," he stated without preamble.

Ryan shook his head instantly, "Look at me Javi, my arms in a sling, my fingers are splinted together and I still can't walk normal because of my stitches. If that doesn't scream victim the yellow and brown bruises covering my entire body do."

Esposito snapped his fingers with a smile, "See I knew you were going to say that so I picked a place where people wouldn't bug you."

"And where's that?"

Esposito smiled, "Castle's poker game, just Beckett and Castle and us. Come on get dressed and out of the pjs you've been living in." Seeing he wasn't convincing him very well he sighed and sat down in front of the couch, meeting his eyes. "Kev you gotta get out bro. You always have this spark in your eyes; it's what makes them so bright, so blue. It's this glint that just screams mischief and you can't help but be drawn in." He paused and looked away for a moment before looking back and finishing quietly, "It's been gone since I found you in the tub. It's like you just gave up, don't let them win Kev."

Kevin rolled over so he was staring at the ceiling, "They're everywhere Javi. I haven't called or shown up to work in three weeks, they know I'm hiding. Then because I'm not working I can't pay the bills; I'm going to lose my apartment and I can't pay my hospital bills and…" he was silenced with a kiss.

"Don't worry about that stuff ok? Let's just go out and have some fun. Come on let's get you dressed, I miss your bartender outfits."

Ryan sighed and allowed Esposito to help him up, "It's called a vest and it's not exclusive to bartenders. You should try it sometime, it's called style."

"Of course bro, whatever you say."

After showering, shaving, and getting dressed he did have to admit it felt good to be actually presentable. Esposito helped him into his sling and gave him his pain pills before fixing his hair since with his shoulder it was proving difficult. When he was finished Ryan looked much better but still looked like all he wanted to do was melt into the couch. Esposito kneeled on the ground and snuggly laced the boots he always wore before standing and kissing the side of his head, "Let's go."

They descended down the stairs and into Esposito's car where Ryan began to fidget, "Javi?"

"Yeah?"

Ryan licked his lips nervously, "Do Castle and Beckett know I'm coming? I mean I'm just a murder suspect with a record in an ongoing investigation. I don't think Beckett likes me very much."

Esposito laughed, "You took out everyone in holding, that was a paperwork nightmare."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

Esposito grabbed Ryan's hand and smiled, "Don't worry bro, just relax." Fifteen minutes, an elevator ride, and a knock later they stood before Castle's door waiting for an answer.

Castle swung the door open and greeted Esposito and Ryan with a large smile, "Hey guys!"

Esposito walked right in but Ryan walked more slowly as he entered the unfamiliar and gigantic apartment. He glanced around nervously and stepped across the threshold only to be assaulted by an older woman with bright red hair. "Martha, a pleasure to meet you dear. You are simply adorable; I see why everyone likes you. Oh, and those eyes! To die for."

He held out his hand and shook hers, "Uh… thanks. Kevin ma'am."

Castle suddenly appeared next to them and grabbed his mother's shoulders, "Mother stop scaring him, don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Of course! I'm off to meet Chet. Try to have fun without me!" She walked out the door and closed it behind her, the door closing making Ryan jump slightly.

Seeing the younger man looking so unsure he placed a hand on his shoulder and pulled him to the kitchen. After pouring him a stiff drink he glanced at Esposito who was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels before looking back at him, "You probably don't remember but we all visited you in the hospital. Looks like you're doing a lot better now."

Ryan accepted the drink and frowned, "Why would you all visit? I'm just some guy, I'm surprised you even let me in your house with my theft charge."

"We visited because you're important to Esposito and as for having you in my home unless you give me a reason to not trust you, you're good. I don't think you're a bad guy, just somebody that ended up with a bad hand."

Ryan's frown deepened, "You act like I'm a victim."

"Are you? Or do you play a more active role in the events around you?" Ryan took a large gulp of his drink and thanked the heavens for the doorbell ringing which made Castle excuse himself. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Ryan was just about to join Esposito on the couch when Alexis bounded down the stairs with a huge smile and ran over to him before engulfing him in a hug, being mindful of his sling and hand. "Kevin! I didn't know you were coming over for poker night!"

He fought off a blush and smiled brightly, "Yeah kind of got roped into it."

"You look so much better than before. All the bruises are almost gone," she said happily.

He nodded, "How'd the report go?"

Her smile grew, "Amazing, A+. She said it was the best written and most informative report she's gotten in years. Thank you so much for the help I couldn't have done it without you."

"Didn't do much, just rambled."

Esposito suddenly appeared next to him, "_You_ ramble? I don't believe it, and what are you two talking about?"

Ryan pointed to Alexis, "She visited me every day in the hospital. I helped her with her report on different world cultures."

Castle, who now had Beckett beside him frowned a little, "You visited Ryan everyday in the hospital? Why?"

Seeing everyone was making him uncomfortable Alexis grabbed the Irishman's arm tightly and smiled at him, she was significantly younger than him but based on his injuries and shy nature she felt almost motherly towards him. "When he was at the station while you checked his alibi we started talking about school and my Geography and World Cultures class. He said if he wasn't booked for murder he'd help me when he got the chance, turns out being stuck in a hospital bed is the perfect chance. When you told me he was in the hospital I went over there during my study breaks. He likes licorice, as long as you keep feeding it to him he'll keep talking."

Ryan chuckled, "You make me sound like a pet."

"Ryan, can I speak to you?" Beckett asked politely a few moments later. He flinched harshly before offering a jerky nod and following her to Castle's office. She closed the door behind them and leaned against it, blocking the exit. "How are you feeling?"

Surprised by the question he stuttered out a, "Better."

"Good, Esposito was pretty upset. Castle and I were too. Ryan I need you to tell me if what happened to you was because of us questioning you at the precinct. Did someone think you talked? Did they torture you for information?" she asked softly.

Ryan bristled and pointed an angry finger at her, "I don't have to tell you anything. You don't care about my well being or about me. Leave me the hell alone." Beckett shook her head and opened her mouth again but Ryan interrupted. "You can't make me talk."

He blew out an angry breath, "Look detective, I get that you have a job to do. I can appreciate what you do for people but for me it's hardwired to not talk to you. Don't take it or my attitude personally, you seem like a great person and Javi speaks highly of you but you're not my friend so don't act like it."

Beckett sighed, "I'm not trying to upset you, that wasn't my intention."

"Well you're doing a damn good job of it detective."

She walked away from the door as a gesture of peace, "I'm sorry it's just my job and sometimes I come on too strong. It was upsetting to see you in the hospital; it bothered me more than it usually does. I just want to make sure whoever hurt you won't do it again and that our two victims will get justice. I know you're connected to them in some way."

Ryan walked towards the door but turned before exiting and gave her a haunted look, "We can't always have what we want Kate. I'm truly sorry." He opened the door and walked back towards the kitchen and everyone else. Esposito raised his eyebrows in question but Ryan just shook his head and forced an uncomfortable smile as Beckett walked out of the office.

Trying to alleviate the obvious tension that had appeared Castle turned and clapped his hands together, "Ok, are we playing or not? I have money to win."

Everyone settled around the table and Esposito dealt out the cards before everyone began betting. The game took a relaxed pace and the stakes rose and to Ryan's credit he bet boldly for someone who no longer had an income. No one knew how it started but the conversation turned to murder and after a while only Ryan and Beckett remained in the game and everyone but Ryan was talking about a murder case they had worked on.

"What are your thoughts Ryan?" He looked up slowly and shrugged but winced when it pulled at his shoulder.

Castle leaned forward, "Yeah tell us what you think. Play the game."

"Well I….uh…" He sighed and looked around the table, "This won't come back to bite me in the ass right?" After everyone shook their heads he threw in a few more chips on to the table. "It's about respect, not money. Killing for money is low class but killing for respect… It's the way you kill them too that speaks the loudest as you all know. You don't want to go all psychopath because that's just disturbing but you want to leave a message, something that everyone will recognize."

Beckett threw in a few chips, "So if you were going to kill somebody how would you do it to send a message?"

"Hypothetically…" he began. "If I was going to off somebody I would choose something quick and clean. Only the creepers would want to hang around a dying guy for longer than they had to. You wouldn't want to do anything to their head or neck because then you'd just have blood everywhere and bloods a bitch to get out of clothes…. I've heard. I'd have to say strangulation would be my way to kill somebody, then when somebody finds them it's almost like they're sleeping. It's just tragic, yet classy. If I had a partner though I'd just do one through the forehead. Quick and to the point. Shoot 'em, dump 'em, done."

He looked around the table and noticed everyone looking at him, "Hey you asked, plus Castle comes up with worse than that." Everyone kept staring so he cleared his throat uncomfortably and threw all his chips to the center of the table. "All in."

Esposito whistled and Castle's eyebrows rose as he looked at Beckett who shook her head before sliding all her chips in. With a grin she laid down her cards, "Read 'em and weep, four-of-a-kind."

Ryan nodded politely before laying down his cards, a grin growing on his face as everyone's eyes widened. "Royal Flush… Detective."

Esposito began to laugh and felt his heart swell at the familiar glint in Ryan's blue eyes. "What's with the poker face bro? You never even flinched once."

"The things you hear at a bar? You learn to not react pretty well. Get enough alcohol in people are they act like they're confessing to the pope; affairs, stealing. They tell you quite a bit and if you react then only bad things will happen."

Beckett nodded, "Makes sense, people talk to people they trust. Who would you trust more than the person that's never steered you wrong, your bartender."

Ryan touched his nose before pointing to her. The chips were split back up after being counted but just before the cards were dealt Alexis came walking downstairs.

Castle looked at his daughter, "Did you want to play honey?"

"I don't really know how."

"That's ok, we'll teach you as you go," he said with a smile. She grabbed a chair and to everyone's surprise she didn't sit next to her dad but sat down next to Ryan who grinned nervously.

"Alright then," Castle exclaimed. "Let's play."

The game progressed slowly with everyone playing lightly and carefully, Ryan pointing to Alexis' cards and whispering things to her which she absorbed quickly. It became clear halfway through the game that Ryan wasn't playing anymore but had seemed to team up with Alexis, and they were dominating.

"Geez you two, I don't know if it's beginners luck or if Kev's just that good but you two are wiping me out."

Ryan's face was pure amusement, "Beginners luck," he answered before looking at Alexis who nodded. "Totally."

Castle shook his head in amusement and stood, "Who needs a refill?" Beckett and Esposito held up their glasses but Ryan just yawned widely. Seeing he was fading fast Esposito wondered if tonight was too much for him. With a tap on the shoulder and a jerk of his head Ryan stood and followed him to the couch where they both dropped down.

"You ok Kev?"

Ryan nodded, "Just tired."

He leaned forward and frowned, "Is that alcohol on your breath? Bro you're on pain pills no wonder you're fading. That could kill you."

The half-asleep man snuggled into his side and yawned, "Don't be mad Javi, it was just one drink. You're so warm and comfortable."

How could he stay mad when Ryan was burrowing into his side and relaxing like an overgrown child? He dropped his head and placed a soft kiss to his lips before holding him a little bit tighter.

Alexis wandered into the living room and smiled at the sight of Ryan passed out on the couch leaning against Esposito who was running his fingers up and down his arm. She sat down on the coffee table in front of them, "Are you going to keep playing? I can sit with him."

"You sure Chiquita?"

She nodded instantly, "I don't mind at all, is he ok?"

"Just tired from the pain meds he's still on. I should have made sure he didn't drink, he's probably gone 'til morning." He stood carefully and stuffed a pillow next to his companion to keep him upright before walking back to the table.

He sat down and looked at Castle and Beckett who were looking in the living room where Alexis was now sitting next to Ryan. "She seems pretty fond of him," Castle mentioned.

Beckett nodded, "She's mothering him. He must have said something to her that she felt she needed to protect him from. Ryan doesn't seem to mind the attention."

Esposito nodded as he watched Alexis cover Ryan with a blanket and grab a book. "He doesn't have any friends or anything, from what it sounds like the only people he hung out with wanted things from him but didn't want to give anything. Sad really, twenty-seven years old and nothing to show for your life; no friends, now no job and soon no apartment."

Beckett gave Castle a knowing look before asking, "He's been staying with you, are you just going to let him continue?"

"Probably, I mean as long as he wants to. Not like I'm going to kick him out."

When Esposito turned back from looking at his boyfriend Castle had a huge grin on his face. "What?"

"Have you told him?"

Esposito bristled slightly, "What are you talking about bro?"

Becket leaned forward as a smile creeped along her lips, "Have you told him you love him?"

"What? I…" he trailed off at their twin grins before sighing. "No."

"Don't be scared. He feels the same way," Castle whispered in a rare moment of seriousness. "You almost lost him, don't waste anymore time. We don't know the whole story but I have a feeling that he's already lived past his life expectancy. Ties to the mob, now somebody went after him… his clocks been ticking since he was born."

"Yeah well I'm going to make sure that clock stops ticking, now deal me in."


	11. I Have Hours, Only Lonely

**Huge thanks to Nadreth, red2013, UrbanBorn, auntof3, and Sirona ********for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.**

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Ryan yawned and sat up as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. He looked around the unfamiliar room and squinted at the bright light coming through the blinds, his heart beginning to pound as he didn't recognize anything. A noise from behind him made him whip around and he yelped at the sudden appearance of Castle who was sitting next to him holding coffee. "Good morning."

He just stared at the man before dumbly reaching out and accepting the extended cup, "What… where…."

"Apparently you're still on pain meds and didn't tell me so I fed you alcohol which made you pass out and almost go into a coma last night. Thanks for that."

He smiled sheepishly, "I never turn down a drink. What time is it? Where's Javi?"

Castle stood and walked to the kitchen where he began to make eggs and toast, "Almost eleven. Beckett and Esposito had to go to work and Alexis had to go to school so I was left with strict instructions to watch you and bring you to the precinct when you woke up. I actually got a couple chapters done this morning since I was stuck here so kudos to you."

He frowned, "I can't go to Javi's house?"

The larger man shook his head uncomfortably, "We're worried someone will come after you again since he had to remove the detail at the building. We think it's better you stay with one of us until the investigation is over or we catch who attacked you. Did you want to shower before breakfast?"

"Uh… no, I'm good."

Castle clapped his hands together and passed him a plate of breakfast after reentering the living room, "Great! Eat up and then we're off to solve a murder."

Esposito looked up with a smile when the elevator opened to reveal Ryan gnawing on a piece of red licorice and talking excitedly to Castle who was scribbling things down as fast as Ryan was talking, which was pretty damn fast. When they got closer the detective shook his head, "You really do talk for licorice don't you?"

"I can't help it Javi," he exclaimed quickly. "It's just so good."

Esposito crossed his arms and glared at Castle, "You bought that just to make him talk didn't you?"

"Me? No. Well, maybe. He gave me a lot of great stuff for my next book though." They both watched as Ryan began to tap his foot and look at Castle's pocket.

"Do you have anymore?"

Castle smiled condescendingly and handed him a piece from his breast pocket, which he snatched and wandered away with. Esposito shook his head and ripped the package from Castle's jacket. "Stop treating my boyfriend like a dog bro, and stop feeding him sugar he looks like he's on coke." In a lower voice he asked, "He give you anything that could help us with the case?"

The larger man shook his head, "No but I did get six fascinating ways to kill people. It's slightly disturbing that he's probably witnessed these happen."

"Hey bro," Ryan began. "Is this the case?"

Esposito walked over after putting the licorice in a desk drawer and nodded, "The murder board, everything we have right now on the victims and suspects." He was pleased how much better Ryan seemed than yesterday, it seemed being out with people last night improved his mood and mindset dramatically because he was almost back to where he used to be.

Ryan nodded as he glanced over everything including a picture of himself under 'persons of interest'.

"Do you have any insight you'd like to share with us? I'm betting you know things that could help our investigation," Beckett said softly from beside him after she approached.

Ryan turned and met her gaze before looking back at the board, "I don't have anything to say."

She sighed sadly, "Alright. Well I have to go talk to one of our victim's sister and see if she has anything to say that would help."

That caught Ryan's attention, "She has a sister?"

"Yes. Our vic, Monica, has a sister named Tracy. We're at a dead end and unless something comes up whoever murdered her sibling will go free. She'll never have closure, she'll never at least have the comfort that the person responsible was caught and won't ever do this to another family." She watched a myriad of emotions pass over the bartender's face but to her disappointment he didn't speak just walked back to a chair by Esposito's desk and dropped down.

Esposito walked over and sat down next to him as Castle and Beckett left to go talk to the sister. He opened his mouth but Ryan shook his head sternly and grabbed Castle's book off the desk. A short time later he set the book down and glanced around but saw Esposito had disappeared. Feeling bored and cooped up he walked to the elevator and rode down to the lobby before exiting onto the street and sitting down on a bench, he would have loved to go further away but the safety the precinct offered was important right now. A tall man with dark hair dressed in a nice suit dropped down next to him, "You doing alright?"

"Yeah, why?" he asked wearily.

The man held up his hands in a peaceful gesture, "Just making sure. I'm Detective Demming. Robbery."

Ryan eyed his outstretched hand before shaking it, "Ryan." He wanted to add _robber_ but contained himself. The cop seemed nice enough so he relaxed a little. He had no idea why he was talking to him but he assumed he looked beat up enough for cops to wonder if he was an assault victim, which he was of course but not in the capacity they thought.

Another officer approached them and after only one look at Ryan he shook his head, "What the hell are you doing here mick? I see somebody finally put you in your place."

Hearing the slur Demming stood up and slid in between them, "Woah Banks, you can't talk to people like that."

Banks looked at Ryan and sneered, "He's just a little shit that's tied in with the Irish mob. I've talked to him before, no respect for anyone the little prick."

"You're the one that fucking hit me last time! You don't deserve respect pig." His eyes widened when Banks tried to attack him, Demming thankfully shoving him away before he could get to him. "Yeah, try to hit the little guy when he's down. Good job ya ass."

Demming sent the officer away after another struggle and turned to face Ryan, "You sure pissed him off. Is there a reason you're here?"

He nodded, "Protective custody in homicide."

"Well let's get you back to that floor and I'll inform the captain to take care of Banks." They strode back into the building and up to homicide, the elevator doors sliding open to reveal an anxious looking Esposito.

"Kev, what the hell bro? I look away for two seconds and you're gone." After saying his piece he noticed the other man, "Hey Demming, haven't seen you in a while."

"I know, we need to get together sometime. I found Ryan outside and Banks from gangs tried to have a go at him. I'm assuming he's working with you?"

Esposito nodded before looking at his boyfriend, "You ok? Banks didn't hurt you right?"

Ryan shook his head and jerked a thumb at Demming, "He stepped in, not bad for a jake. Banks is the one that called me a fucking paddy few years back." He stormed away from the pair and back to his seat by the desk.

Demming saw the concern on his old friends face and grinned, "He's not just a witness is he?" At the slight blush on the darker man's skin he let out a laugh. "He's quite a handful, apparently has a history with gangs."

"You have no idea and I know, I found that out after the fact but he's hopefully helping us with a case. What the hell happened with Banks?"

Demming blew out a breath; "Apparently your boy there pissed him off pretty bad at some point because he was livid. Called him a mick and tried to assault him, it wasn't pretty. Ryan's mouth is a hell of a lot bigger than he is."

"I'm aware, I'm just glad you were there. You saw what shape he's in, he couldn't handle another beat down," Esposito said softly.

The taller man glanced at his watch, "Well I better get back to my floor. Give me a call sometime and we'll meet up, you can bring Ryan too." Esposito shook his hand and turned to go back to Ryan who was staring at the elevator deep in thought.

"Demming seems on the up and up. You know him?"

He nodded, "We worked together at the 54th for a while before I ended up here. He transferred a couple years ago. He's a great guy. I'm glad he was there with you, you can't just disappear bro. There are people looking for you and you know that."

"Kind of hard to forget," he sad sadly as he looked at his splinted fingers.

Esposito yearned to touch him but here wasn't the place. "So Banks is the one that got you with the night stick?" At Ryan's nod he began to stand only to pause when Ryan grabbed his arm.

"I fight my own battles. I don't need you to defend me." With reluctance Esposito dropped down and forced himself to not charge downstairs and rearrange Banks' face.

A couple hours later Beckett and Castle returned with no new information. Finding they had no other option Beckett walked over to Esposito and Ryan and announced everyone needed to go to the break room to talk. Once everyone was settled Castle began to speak. "Ryan you've got to talk to us. We know you're scared but we need you for this. Please."

He pursed his lips together and looked down at the table but looked up with wide eyes when Castle continued speaking.

"Wait… you're not scared are you? Nothing about you seems nervous right now. You're not talking because of something else, something we haven't noticed. Your parents died when you were young meaning someone had to raise you. Someone had to put you through school, watch out for you and your sister."

Ryan dropped his forehead to the table and cursed the heavens for Richard Castle's mind.

"Someone who you trust so explicitly that you would rather die than betray them and the only person who fits all the criteria owns the bar you grew up in."

Beckett finally caught on and spoke softly, "Edmund Boyle."

Esposito followed the logic and it did make sense but, "Maybe we've been misreading that but we can't forget that somebody beat the crap out of him. If Boyle cares so much why attack the guy that's probably like a son?"

"He wouldn't," Castle answered. "It would be someone else, someone that felt jealous of their relationship. Someone that felt like Ryan was taking something from them by filing their place. Someone that viewed him as a threat."

"Someone like Boyle's son," Beckett continued as she latched onto his theory.

"You people are ridiculous," Ryan mumbled before sitting up.

Esposito finally spoke, "Did the son kill our two vics Kev?"

He shook his head instantly, "No, Conor didn't kill 'em." He looked around the table and released a shuddering sigh.

Esposito leaned forward and waited for Ryan to meet his eyes, "Tell us about you, not as detectives but friends. We won't write anything down and no one will hear this but us."

The room descended into silence for a few minutes until Ryan's quiet voice started to float across the table. "When I was six years old I watched five men murder my parents for absolutely no reason. It wasn't a robbery or revenge killing, it was just for the hell of it. I didn't help them or call for help or even move. I just stood there and watched them die. When I finally got it together I walked home, explained to my sister that ma and da weren't coming back and that I'd make everything better. We stayed in the house and ate everything we had until I had to start stealing food. Eventually social services realized what was happening and came for my sister when I wasn't home. I tried to find her but I never could."

He let out a soft laugh and looked at Beckett. "When you said she lived in Chicago I about died. Just to hear she's alive made everything seem worth it. Anyways they sold the house so I started sleeping wherever I could and pick pocketing during the day. Couple weeks after that I took the wallet of someone very powerful, Edmund Boyle. He never said anything when he caught me, just took the wallet and me and brought me home with him."

He slid down in his chair feeling exhausted already. "I was always wandering the bar much to everyone's displeasure but Ed never cared. I used to play with my toys in the corner while they planned hits. As the years went on I became more involved, started paying more attention to what was happening around me and playing a more active role."

"Is that were the accent comes from?" Castle interrupted.

Ryan grinned, "Yeah. Ma and Da came from Connemara and Ed was an immigrant too. I was sheltered quite a bit when I was younger so I never really got the New York accent. When all you hear is Irish you learn Irish."

"Why were you sheltered?" he questioned.

"Ed was afraid someone was going to try to use me to get to him. Until I could defend myself he didn't let me go out alone very much."

Beckett glanced at Castle before getting them back on track. "Tell us about Edmund."

His fingers drummed on the table absently as he continued talking. "Edmund was always patient with me. He's a classy man, from the way he holds himself to the clothes he wears. All class. I started working the bar when I was sixteen but when I turned twenty-three is when I worked there full time. I'd make calls, entertain people who were waiting for Edmund, sometimes help them move... something or go speak to people about... things. All the while Conor watched as I became Edmund's favorite."

His hand slid over the slightly faded shamrock tattoo on the left side his neck, barely visible over the top of his collared shirt. "I was thirteen when he made me get the tattoo. Everyone in the crew has them. I was proud when I got it, didn't fully understand the implications."

"Hold up," Esposito interrupted angrily. "Ed branded you like an animal to show ownership when you were thirteen?"

Ryan bristled slightly, "If you want to put it like that ya, he did." After a quiet glaring match between them he cleared his throat, "Moving on, as time went on I got too cocky, too sure that I was untouchable. I would walk in the room and people would run just because of who I was and the fact that I knew every single dirty secret of every single one of them. Everything hit the fan four years ago, that's when I realized I was so deep I couldn't see daylight anymore. In my mind I always felt I could leave whenever I wanted but that day I realized the only way I was getting out was a body bag."

Beckett laid her hand on gently on his shoulder, "What happened four years ago Kevin?"

He looked at Esposito who nodded encouragingly before staring down at the table and picking at a loose piece of wood in the edge. "I had just turned twenty-three and was working at the bar when this guy came in to see Edmund, he had a woman with him. He went upstairs and left her there. Her name was Jenny and she was beautiful." A sad smile covered his face, "Blonde hair and the most beautiful smile, a laugh that was just infectious. Only problem was she was married but I couldn't help myself, she was just so perfect. She tried to break it off a few times but one way or another we always found our way back to each other. We kept it a secret for obvious reasons but eventually we both wanted more."

Tears started to gather in his eyes and stress lines spread across his forehead. "We were going to leave, go to Ireland and leave all this behind. She was supposed to meet me at my place and when I got there she wasn't alone."

His chin began to quiver as his heart began to pound, the memory just as vivid as it was four years ago. "They grabbed me the second I opened the door, two of them. Jenny was on her knees with a knife to her throat, she looked so scared. Conor was there just sitting on the couch and when he snapped his fingers I knew that was it." He began to shake as visions assaulted his mind, the only thing grounding him Esposito's hand on his. "They slit her throat, just like someone did to my mother. There wasn't a noise from her just this expression that I can't even describe. She looked right at me and smiled then whispered 'its ok'." A hysterical strangled noise bubbled out of him. "She's dying and I'm not even moving and she's telling me its ok. They pushed her down onto the floor and I lost it, kicked and screamed, struggled but they wouldn't let me go until she was gone. When they finally dropped me I crawled over but she was gone, forever."

Everyone in the room fought off tears as he pushed on, "Edmund had no idea it was Conor. Only then did I realize that my life was over, I was just waiting for the day that Conor killed me."

He let out a choked laugh and sniffed, "Police never investigated Jenny's death because Conor paid them off. I uh, I went to her funeral. Her husband was there, guy had no clue what happened. I stood in the back and it hit me that she had this entire life, a good life, and I ruined it. If I hadn't pushed it she would still be alive. "

Suddenly exhausted he laid his head on the table. "Conor knew he had knocked me down enough that he didn't have to worry about me anymore but when he found out I'd been hanging around with a detective he thought I was talking. He cornered me in the bar one night and asked me, I told I wasn't talking but he didn't believe me. Knocked me around a bit, which is a normal occurrence and told me to get rid of him before bad things happened to everybody. When you guys arrested me it just upset him more. He had his guys come in and rough me up while he explained he had learned that I wasn't talking but was being a fag. He said I must be stupid or like to watch people die because that's what would happen to this one too. Everyone around me dies."

Esposito wiped away his own tears before glancing at Beckett and Castle who were doing the same. He scooted his chair over and gently sat up Ryan and hugged him close as he scratched the back of his neck, his eyes only leaving his boyfriend when he saw Castle closing the blinds to give them all privacy. "I'm so sorry Kev."

Castle and Beckett sat quietly and respectfully until Ryan sat up straight and wiped away the last tear. "Kevin, why didn't Edmund stop all this?"

Ryan shook his head sadly and flashed a watery smile, "Edmund's getting old. He's been bed ridden for months, Conor's got full reign. I never said anything about Jenny because I didn't think he'd take my word over his own flesh and blood. I was weak, stupid, and scared."

Figuring this was their best chance Beckett glanced at her partner who reluctantly nodded before looking back at Ryan, "Kevin you're not stupid or weak and you don't have to be scared anymore, no one is going to hurt Esposito because I won't let them. Help us stop them from ever hurting someone again. You could have your life back Kevin, you wouldn't have to live in fear anymore. Let us end this once and for all."

Ryan shook his head, "If you go after them you're all dead. I can't do that." He let out a bitter laugh and looked at Esposito, "You want to know why I drink Javi? Because I've been looking for everything I ever lost at the bottom of a bottle, and as of yesterday it still wasn't there."

Esposito squeezed his hand, "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," was the immediate reply.

"Then trust that I'm going to make this better."

Castle couldn't help but smile when Kevin nodded. "Alright, alright but not today. I can't talk about this anymore today."

Esposito stood and clapped him on his uninjured shoulder, "Let's go grab some lunch then you can just hang out if that's cool."

Kevin stood shakily and allowed himself to be led out of the room, "Yeah, sounds good bro."

After they left Beckett shook her head, "It's just so sad. Dead parents, a sister he didn't even know was alive, a dead girlfriend and now a beating that should have killed him and fear that the man he loves is going to be murdered. Not to mention that the mob picked up an innocent child and used and abused him for the past twenty-one years. I don't know how he gets up every morning."

Castle stood and grabbed a cup of coffee, "He gets up every morning because he feels it's the punishment he deserves for causing everyone around him to die. Death would be too easy."

"He can't go on like that everyday, it's not healthy."

The writer agreed, "Just like he said that's why he drinks. If he douses himself in liquor he doesn't have to think about death. I just hope Esposito can help him before he drowns himself."


	12. My Love Is Vengeance

**Huge thanks to red2013, auntof3, and Nadreth ********for the reviews.**

* * *

An hour later the boys strolled through the elevator both looking more relaxed, the only indicator of the rough morning being Ryan's still red rimmed and slightly bloodshot eyes. Esposito walked straight to the murder board and joined Beckett and Castle while Ryan headed for Esposito's desk. Everyone milled around for hours until it seemed only they and a couple other detectives remained on the floor. Ryan had long ago retired to the break room so he could watch television and munch on popcorn that he had found hidden in a cabinet. Castle had decided to join him after Beckett had to make a few phone calls and after pulling a chair next to him both sat and watched a basketball game on the modestly sized television.

Hearing some commotion both men exited the side room and entered the bull pen at the same time a detective was leading a struggling man in a worn leather jacket to interrogation. As soon as the man's eyes landed on Ryan he began to panic. "Oh Shit! Ryan… I… oh God please…"

Ryan's eyes narrowed as he pointed a finger at him, "I've been looking for you you shit."

The man looked around wildly before looking back, "I've almost got all the money. I swear I'll pay it all. Just please, please don't hurt me. I've got a kid man, I've got a kid!"

"You..." he trailed off suddenly aware of where he was and who was listening. "We'll discuss this later," he said quietly as he hunched his shoulders and seemed to shrink into himself at Javier's narrowed eyes.

The man went into a hysterical frenzy and Ryan sighed, "We will _talk_ about this later, ok?"

The detective finally pulled him away and he looked at up at Castle before glancing at Esposito and Beckett. "I uh… yeah," was the only explanation they received and after a few more curious looks they went back to work.

The sound of metal wheels on wood met everyone's ears shortly after ten pm and Esposito shook his head when they turned around just in time to see Ryan flying across the entire bullpen in his chair. He looked over and saw they were looking so he smiled sheepishly and began walking backwards still seated in the chair.

"Getting bored?"

"No, I just had to do that. Seemed like a waste of an open space and office chair."

Esposito crossed his arms and tapped his foot, "Where's your sling?"

Ryan groaned, "I've been wearing it forever, I'm fine."

Beckett hid a smile and looked back at the board before sighing, "We're not going to get anything done if we're exhausted. Let's call it a night and come back in the morning."

Castle smiled, "Great! I wanted to ask Alexis how school was today. They took a field trip to the college and she was beyond excited."

Ryan nodded as he carefully evaded his boyfriend's attempts to put on his sling. "She said she was having a good time earlier." Seeing the writer's confused frown he continued after skittering around a desk and further away from Esposito, "She text me a couple hours ago when you were all looking at the board, said she was on her way home. Tried to text you but you didn't respond." Castle checked his phone and sure enough he had somehow missed a few texts.

Esposito glanced around and after checking that they were the only ones on the floor he slid his arm around Ryan's lean waist and kissed his cheek, "Come on, let's go home." He never hid who he was but it was sometimes easier to not display affections towards boyfriends in front of co-workers, not everyone was as accepting as he'd like them to be.

They walked to the elevator and Esposito blushed at Beckett quirking an eyebrow and winking at them. Ryan begrudgingly allowed him to put his sling back on and the pair walked from the front doors to the parking garage behind the building, fingers entwined. When they reached the car Javier didn't unlock it, instead he carefully nudged Ryan against it and leaned in for a long lazy kiss. He eventually pulled away but kept his body flush against the Irishman's and with a nervous expression he tried to convey his inner most feelings. He failed miserably as he opened and closed his mouth a few times, only pitiful squeaks leaving his lips.

"Use your words," Ryan said with a grin.

The sarcastic comment finally popped Esposito out of his stupor and with one more small kiss he sucked in a deep breath and just said what he needed to. "I've felt this way for a while and I wasn't sure you were ready to hear it but, I love you Kev."

Ryan's lips twitched into a tiny smile and he leaned his forehead against his, "I love you too Javi."

The next morning Esposito walked into the bathroom and frowned at the sight of Ryan standing perfectly still in front of the mirror, hands gently wrapped around the edge of the sink as he stared intensely at his reflection. He quietly walked forward and looked in the mirror before feeling his heart race increase at the sight of dark blood on his alabaster skin. The blood started at his jawline and was running down the long column of his neck before pooling around his collarbone and dripping into the sink. The normally clean porcelain was stained scarlet, tiny droplets of what kept Ryan alive hitting the edges of the bowl before flowing to the drain.

Esposito grabbed Ryan and spun him around, "What the hell bro? What happened?" Ryan didn't answer or even flinch as Esposito wiped away the blood with a towel, it almost looked like he had mentally checked out. "Talk to me Kev, what's going on?" he said nervously as he held the towel to his cheek.

"I was shaving and nicked myself. I just sort of spaced out. Sorry," he said almost robotically.

Esposito shook his head, "Try again."

Ryan licked his lips and felt tears gathering in his blue eyes as he came back to himself, "All I could see was her blood, everywhere. I haven't talked about it since it happened and now it's all back. I can't do this Javi, I can't do this." Esposito grabbed him tightly as he lost it and lowered them both to the rug beneath their feet.

Both sat on the floor in a heap, Esposito clutching him tightly while he began to sob. "I loved Jenny so much Javi. It's not fair. There was so much blood on the carpet and her and me and I couldn't get it off. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn't get it off. She was so beautiful, even dead she was so beautiful. If I had been faster, or paid more attention or just something she'd still be here. I let her die. It's all my fault."

Javier gently shushed him and began to rock them back and forth.

"We were going to have a baby."

His heart plummeted as his movements halted, "She was pregnant?"

"It was mine Javi, I was going to be a dad," he cried. "He's taken everything from me, I can't lose you too, you're all I have left."

"You won't," he said firmly. "You don't ever have to be afraid again Kev." He dropped a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you and I will always protect you. No one will ever hurt you again."

They sat on the floor for what felt like hours, Javier's butt going numb eventually but he didn't dare move. Ryan had finally stopped crying and was now just curled into his side as his fingers played with the hem of his shirt like a child would do to a blanket. His eyes drifted to his neck and he lifted his hand and traced the white gold chain until he lifted up the two objects hanging off it. No explanation was needed; it was Ryan's mother and father's wedding rings. White gold bands, one small with a modest diamond and the other larger and engraved with words he didn't understand. He knew he didn't wear them regularly because it was new to him so he could only assume he was wearing the chain as a safety blanket of sorts, a way to provide him with comfort after trudging up horrible memories yesterday.

His fingers gently dropped the rings back against Ryan's bare chest and he kissed his head again as they continued to sit on the cold floor. He looked down when Ryan's hands grabbed one of his and pushed it to his sternum. Javier took the hint and with a tiny bit of pressure began to move his palm up and down Ryan's chest. The effect was immediate as his boyfriend relaxed and he made a mental note to remember this next time he was upset. "Come on, I have something for you."

He helped Ryan up and kissed the few remaining tears on his face away before pulling him to the living room and sitting him down. "So I went to your apartment and packed everything up for you, it's in storage whenever you're ready for it. I uh, came across your Zippos, I had no idea you had that many."

"A hundred and fourteen," he said quietly. "I've been collecting them since I was eight." Ryan watched with mild curiosity as he walked to the bedroom and came out with a small box and handed it to him. His hands raised to accept it and he set it down and just stared before glancing at Esposito who smiled, "Open it."

He slid off the top of the plain box and carefully lifted out an old Zippo. His hands gently traced over all the worn spots and the crudely carved_ K Michaels USA._ "1938-1945 model," he said softly.

"1940," Esposito said. "It was owned by PFC Kelly Michaels. His brother gave it to him along with a pack of smokes right before they got deployed to Vietnam and told him he had to return it when they got back home. He carried it with him the entire time and when he retuned home he found out that his brother had died a few months back. His sister-in-law told him to keep it and he did, for sixty-one years until he died of natural causes."

Ryan looked down at the lighter with a newfound respect, the story making the worn piece of metal seem so much more special and important. "Where'd you get it?"

"From his daughter who owns an antique store. When I told her what I wanted she instantly grabbed it and just gave it to me. She made me promise her that I would give it to someone that meant a lot to me and that that person would hold on to it forever, just like her father had."

A smile finally broke across Ryan's face, "Thanks Javi. I'll never get rid of it."

He grabbed him and pulled him closer before kissing him, "You're welcome." The affections were meant to be brief but the way Ryan kept messing with the lighter was so endearing that he had to have another kiss, and another from his little lovable Irishman. The soft material of the couch gave way as he nudged Ryan down and continued to move his lips over his.

"Javi, I don't want to…"

"I know," he replied. "We don't have to, I just want to kiss you."

Ryan grabbed his face in his hands and stared up at him earnestly before his hands smashed his cheeks. "Fishy face."

Esposito couldn't help but laugh and when Ryan joined him he only laughed harder.

A few days later Ryan was able to remove the splints on his fingers and he couldn't have been more pleased. His stomach still pulled when he moved wrong but the stitches had healed nicely and he was now pretty much back to normal. It was a slightly stormy Tuesday when the pair walked into the station side by side, Ryan looking more and more nervous the closer they got to the elevator. After climbing in Esposito turned, "I know you don't want to talk about everything but you're doing the right thing, the family of our vics will appreciate this more than you know. I'm proud of you."

Ryan just swallowed thickly and rubbed his sweating palms on his pants. "Javi, the things I might say today, the things you might hear… Just know I love you ok? These past few weeks, I'll never forget everything you did for me."

His tone made the detective turn to better face him, "What are you so nervous about? I'm still going to be here after we get your statement."

"Yeah, of course," he said nonchalantly, all the while trying to force down the nausea that was building in his stomach. All last night he had laid awake just staring at his boyfriend, at the man he loved and prayed that he would still love him after certain truths came out. Today would change everything and the one thing in his life that wasn't stained would be forever tainted. If not for the confines of the elevator he might honestly consider running. After exiting the lift they approached Beckett's desk and Esposito smiled briefly in greeting once she hung up the phone.

"Ready?" she asked as she met Ryan's eyes.

He took a deep breath and nodded, "Ready."


	13. That's Never Free

**Huge thanks to auntof3, red2013, Sirona, and Nadreth ********for the reviews.**

* * *

Ryan, Esposito, and Beckett entered the interrogation room and got comfortable before Beckett handed over pictures and information about their two victims. Ryan flipped through them slowly, taking time to look over every single picture, before setting down the pictures that showed the back of their heads. "Gorgeous George is the one you're after. Everything about these hits points to him but I have no idea why Conor sent him after these two. I've never heard these names and they've never come in the bar. Do you have any info about relatives?"

Beckett flipped through the main file and read off names until Ryan snapped his fingers, "Jason, the brother of the husband, he's the reason they got their skulls smashed in. Jason owes Conor a lot of money, and by a lot I mean about two hundred grand last I heard. When he went to collect Jason was gone so he said he'd smoke him out somehow, that must have been his plan. Life has no meaning to Conor, he'll take down whoever he needs to to get what he wants. The baseball bat to the head is Gorgeous' M.O. and if he was there then so was Handsome Bob, they never handle hits alone."

"Why?" Esposito asked.

"Because they're both so stupid it takes both to accomplish even menial tasks. Only reason Conor even keeps them around is they're more loyal than any dog, they'd follow him off the side of a cliff. Hell I wish Handsome and Gorgeous would follow him off a cliff."

Castle suddenly entered pulling a chair behind him, "Thanks for calling guys and who goes around with Gorgeous and Handsome as nick names?"

Ryan shrugged, "Everyone has a nickname, some just happen naturally or some are given but everyone has one. When you're not sure whose listening to your conversations it's best to avoid proper names."

Esposito leaned forward, "You got one?"

Ryan nodded, "Quiet Ryan. Ed gave it to me when I was little, I didn't talk much for the first couple years after he picked me up."

Getting them back on topic Beckett pulled out a new file filled with pictures, everyone ever arrested that was attached to the Irish mob. She slid it over to him and one by one he pulled out pictures and divulged information, casting a few pictures aside as he went. Secrets tumbled from his mouth as he paced around the room sucking down cups of coffee that Castle kept refilling and munching on licorice that Esposito had brought. "I'd have to say the worst hit to witness was when Moxy bashed in this woman's head. Blood just everywhere, brains on the walls. I was the grunt so I had to clean up. It took hours. I actually had to bandage my hands afterwards because all the bleach ate the skin off my fingers."

Everyone grimaced at the horrible visual but sucked in shocked breaths when he added, "But that's not the worst thing I've seen."

He rubbed his eyes and released a groan, "I can't believe I'm talking about all this." He looked up and stared at his reflection in the two-way glass with dead eyes. "It didn't happen often, which is sort of surprising in a sense. It was Mickey who did it, I tried to stop it the first time but a few punches to the back of the head from his guys stopped me from ever trying again. You try to ignore it, act like you're not there but it's hard."

"What are you talking about Ryan? What did Mickey do?" Beckett asked.

Ryan cleared his throat and frowned heavily, "Mickey likes the girls."

Beckett leaned back in her chair and dropped her forehead into her hand as Castle and Esposito shook their heads in disgust. "You'd think they'd scream or fight but they don't, they just give in. It happened four times when I was there, who knows how many times when I wasn't. I should have tried harder to stop him but I couldn't take on three of them, at least not when everybody had a piece." He felt moisture collecting in his eyes and pushed it away. "I used to sing Let It Be in my head to try to drown out the noise."

The room descended into a horrible silence as Ryan relived past events and everyone else tried to digest what they had heard. Esposito remembered Ryan humming the song one day in the bar and realized it was the thing he did to comfort himself, only when things were truly wrong did he sing or hum it. Eventually Ryan scratched the back of his head and fiddled with a toothpick from his pocket before sticking it between his teeth and chewing gently on it. "That's it, that's all I know."

Beckett pointed to the pile of pictures on the side of the table, "What about them?"

Ryan picked up the pictures and flipped through them again, laying two down on the table. "These two are dead, bodies are somewhere in the river. Good luck finding them." After picking up the rest he flipped through them again before setting the small pile back down on the table. "As for these men they've been good to me, I'm not sentencing them to death. I don't care if you arrest them but I'm not testifying."

Everyone frowned but took it for what it was; they had to be happy with what they got.

Esposito glanced at Beckett before pulling out one final picture and sliding it over, "One more person we need to know about Kev."

He gently lifted the picture and stared at himself, a mug shot from his last arrest. A reminiscent smile appeared on his face as he looked at his twenty-three year old self. The room was quiet until his blue eyes peered over the top of the picture at the room's other occupants, "What will happen if I tell you?"

Beckett slid over a piece of paper, "All you have to do is sign this and it grants you total immunity. Everything you've ever done you won't be able to be punished for, to a certain extent it's a clean slate."

"What's the catch?" he asked wearily.

"In return for your full cooperation we're offering five years of parol and five hundred hours of community service instead of prison time," she replied.

Ryan took the pen from Beckett and was just about to sign when he hesitated over the paper. "Are you sure you want me to sign this? Everything I tell you, you won't be able to prosecute me for. I'm no angel."

Everyone stayed quiet as he stared at the paper warring with himself, it wasn't their place to convince or deter him. Minutes continued to tick by in a stalemate until Esposito finally sat up a little straighter and got his attention. "Sign the paper Kev, it's a good deal. You can redeem yourself with things other than rotting in prison."

He rubbed his eyes tiredly and just nodded before finally signing it and slowly sliding it towards Beckett. The room stayed quiet for several more minutes until Ryan grabbed the pen back and began fiddling with it. "I feel like I'm in church, about to confess my sins."

It was Castle who whispered, "Except we can't offer you absolution."

"No, no you can't," he sighed. "I don't really know where to start, uh… I guess we could start with arson. I've burned down four houses, blown up a few cars. Assault on too many to count. When the boss wanted somebody spooked he'd send me, people always underestimate the little guy."

"Would you torture people for things or just rough them up to send a message?"

Ryan shifted uncomfortably, "Both. I never had the stomach for torture but I still had to do it a few times; screwdrivers, pliers, hammers, ice water, all of it. You do what you have to, part of the job."

"Tell us about the drugs Ryan," Beckett said. "About your possession charge."

He grabbed another piece of licorice and took a bite, "Heroin is what we bring in and distribute. People talk to me, I get the info on what they want and take the money, somebody delivers the drugs. I got caught because Conor was being a prick and sent me on a delivery before he called the cops to report me. Pounds and pounds go through the back of the bar but none of us ever touch the stuff. Too rich for our blood, Conor would kill us if anybody so much as sniffed it plus it's not really my scene."

"Is that what the discussion between you and that man was the other day? The one that seemed petrified of you?"

Ryan nodded, "Picked up four grams then stiffed me. I had to pay for that shit out of my own pocket to save myself from Conor, last guy that shorted him lost a finger. I don't like paying for other people's addictions with money or body parts."

Castle leaned forward, "What about weapons, does the gang deal in weapons?"

"First off," he began. "Don't call us a gang because we're a lot bigger and more organized than a _gang_ and no, no weapons. Conor buys all our pieces from the Russians, he has a lot stockpiled underneath the bar. They get delivered every other month on the third Tuesday exactly an hour after the sun goes down. Most of us used our own though, nobody wants to use something they're not familiar with."

Esposito bit the inside of his cheek at his use of 'us'. He didn't like to think of him as a part of the mob and he didn't like that Ryan still thought of himself as a part of the group that had almost killed him.

"What weapons do you own Ryan?" Beckett asked.

He eyed her carefully, "You're just going to take everything away from me aren't you?" At her nod he glanced at his boyfriend before meeting her eyes again. "I own a shotgun that you can have, Conor gave it to me."

Esposito pursed his lips but stayed silent, he knew for a fact Ryan had at least two shotguns and who knows what else in the cases currently sitting under his bed. Time slipped away as he recounted past events until Esposito asked the million-dollar question. "Have you ever killed anyone?"

Ryan opened his mouth but snapped it shut a before frowning heavily, "Do I really have to answer? It doesn't change anything."

"It's part of the immunity agreement, you give us everything you know and we don't prosecute you for it," Beckett replied.

Ryan licked his suddenly dry lips and rubbed his hands up and down his face before looking at Esposito, "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Beckett looked at Esposito whose jaw was clenching and unclenching. "Ryan answer the question, have you ever murdered someone?"

"Yes."

It was a strong suspicion among all of them but the confession still sucked the air out of the room. Ryan had an innocence about him, an almost hopeful spark to his eyes that made you want to coddle him but it was deceiving. He was the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, a murderer that burned down houses and tortured people hidden underneath a lovable exterior with bright blue eyes and an easy smile.

"How many people have you murdered Ryan?" Becket asked professionally, all the while trying to watch Esposito out of the corner of her eye. She hadn't wanted him here at all but since she knew it would only lead to an argument she hadn't even asked him to not listen in. In a way he had a right to know everything but here wasn't the place to learn truths about someone you love.

His hands clenched around the edge of the table and he looked at his boyfriend one more time, careful to avoid eye contact. "Seven."

Ryan could only watch brokenly as Esposito rose from his chair and left the room, slamming the door behind him. This is what he had feared, he had even expected it but it still hurt worse than he could have imagined. The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that had been present all day turned to a solid lump in an instant, a black hole of despair that was quickly sucking in every good thought and feeling leaving him empty, cold, and bitter.

Beckett stared at the paper Ryan had signed and felt nausea rise up, all of these people's families would never get justice. "I need you to go through each one." When he didn't respond she looked up and noticed he was staring at the door, his entire demeanor changing as he closed himself off before her very eyes. "Kevin..."

"Don't call me that," he snapped. So many emotions were swirling inside of him he didn't know how he felt or how to act. He was here because Esposito wanted him to be not because he had some big life changing epiphany, then he just leaves him here? The man that promised to make everything better, the man that he placed all his trust in just betrays him at the last second? He was just like everyone else... except he wasn't. Javier _did _make everything better and how could he have known his boyfriend was a murderer? The blame wasn't on Javier, it was on himself but that fact didn't make this situation any better. Trying to get a hold of himself he began to speak and answer Beckett's question.

"The first one was when I was fifteen. Darby O'Donal was his name," he began in a detached tone. "It was my first hit, Ed thought I was ready to start going out on my own. I caught him coming home from work one day and popped one into his head and one in the chest. After he dropped I grabbed his ankles and drug him best I could to the side and waited for someone to come get him, he was a big guy."

"Your first hit was when you were _fifteen_?" Castle asked in disbelief.

Ryan nodded, "I was ready, I'd been around it enough to know what to do. I was left wildly unprepared for what it would do to my psych but you learn to get over it after a couple kills. It'll eat you up if you let it, but you just take a step back and try to stay detached." As he continued going through every single murder he committed, every single gory detail Castle began to see a pattern. When he recounted the last one Castle leaned forward, "You killed hit men, everyone of them. Did any of the people you killed ever not murder someone, were any innocent?"

Ryan shook his head, "None were innocent. Other then my first two kills Ed became suspicious that information was leaking out to another crew and had me find out who it was."

"Under the guise of a bartender," Castle said with a smile.

"Yes but that really was my job, I just now had a different reason for doing it. When I'd find out who was talking I'd take them out back, pop one into the forehead and Two-Step would take them away. Fast, clean and easy. If I was alone I'd get them drunk enough then strangle them, drag them to the alley and one of the boss's guys would get rid of him. I had to chase down a few, one got messy in an alley when I had to shoot him a few times because the bastard kept trying to run from me. Turned out there were quite a few guys who had been talking and trying to break away from the family in retaliation. Idiots."

"You didn't give us a name for Two-Step," Beckett observed.

"No I didn't," he said defiantly. "You don't work that close with someone for seventeen years and give 'em up. You don't get him so don't ask."

Beckett leaned back in her chair and sighed heavily. "Do you have anything else to say before we finish this?"

Ryan nodded and glanced one more time at the door Esposito had stormed through, "I know it doesn't make a difference but I feel bad about everything that happened. I'm not some psychopath, I feel remorse. I never wanted to off anybody but when the boss says jump you ask how high." Done he lowered his gaze to the floor.

The sound of chairs scraping across the floor met his ears but he didn't look up from his shoes when the door opened and closed. He didn't even want to leave this room and have to face the outside world, have to face Javier. He knew he was disappointed, disgusted, and betrayed and it was all because of him. The minutes ticked by until the door opened again and he looked up only to shove his chair away and step back in fear and anger. "What the fuck are _you_ doing here?"


	14. To Feel These Feelings

**Huge thanks to red2013, auntof3, Nadreth, and AgentFraniJones ************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.**

* * *

Beckett, who had been talking to Esposito, frowned when she looked at the interrogation room after glancing at her watch. "Has Ryan come out yet? It's been over ten minutes."

"How should I know?" he asked bitterly, unable to keep the hurt at today's events from his normally unwavering voice.

Beckett stood from her desk and walked over to enter the room but the door seemed to be blocked. She shook the handle and shoved on the door before placing an ear to the wood where she could hear raised voices and a loud thump. "Esposito!"

He instantly ran over at her command. "What?"

"There's someone in the room with Ryan and the door's blocked."

"Observation," Esposito said quickly before bursting into the small room with Beckett and Castle right behind him. They looked through the window where the red haired man from the alley a while back was holding Ryan against the wall while choking him so hard that his eyes were rolling back. The redhead was huge, holding Ryan about two feet off the ground while the much smaller man clawed helplessly at the hands cutting off his air.

Esposito pounded on the glass as Becket noticed the table shoved against the door blocking it. Hearing the noise the red haired man dropped Ryan to the floor where he gagged and coughed until being hauled up by his shirt. Terrified blue eyes locked onto the glass as his lips moved in a silent plea for help. His hands were digging in his pockets and when he came up empty he looked at the glass and hoarsely screamed, "Help me!"

Esposito's eyes snapped to Beckett, "Did you take his balisong before the interview?" At her quick nod he banged his hands harder on the glass. "Dammit!"

Danny Boy's face twisted into a sick smile as he jerked Ryan back and forth in his grip, "Ya little sorry snitch, he knew ya were talkin' and he sent me with a final message for ya. Matthew 25:41." With a dark laugh he shook him one more time. "Pray for mercy on your damned soul runt because we both know where you're going and it sure as hell ain't up. God doesn't want ya, nobody does."

Ryan struggled violently as he tried to slip out of his shirt and Danny's grip but no matter how much he kicked and swung he couldn't get away.

Everyone could only watch in horror as the man grabbed the side of Ryan's head and slammed the other side down on the table before lifting him and doing it again. They watched as the struggling but sluggish Ryan fought until his entire body went limp, his eyes sliding shut as his jaw went slack, blood splattering out of his mouth with every hit. It was horrible to watch, like a child whipping a doll back and forth.

"He's gonna kill him!" Esposito shouted before drawing his weapon. "Step back." He pulled the trigger and as the glass shattered in the room, Castle and Esposito rushed in and grabbed the man while Beckett carefully grabbed an out cold Ryan on the floor. More officers burst in and drug the mountain of a man out of the room while Esposito dropped down next to Beckett who shook her head nervously. "He's still out cold."

Ryan's eyes blinked open but everything was so blurry, he could hear people talking but it all sounded muffled. He tried to figure out where he was but nothing would focus, everything was lost in a sea of pain.

"Ryan? Ryan can you hear me?"

A voice, but whose? Suddenly all at once the noise of the room came back full force and he sucked in a deep breath only to cough dryly when his throat throbbed. He tried to sit up but two hands firmly held him down. Beckett's face entered his line of vision, "Ryan you need to stay down ok? Do you know what happened? Do you know where you are?"

"I… what…"

Another voice met his ears and he frowned in confusion when a dark skinned woman appeared next to Beckett. "Hi honey, I'm Lanie. I know everything's muddled right now but can you tell me if anything feels numb or like it's not there? Are you having any back pain?"

"No, just a headache and my throat feels tight. I'm fine," he said in a raspy voice.

Lanie's eyebrows rose, "You're not fine sugar you just had that man use your head like a basketball after he tried to pop it off. Are you breathing ok?"

He forced himself to sit up and leaned against the wall, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"We're going to take you to the hospital to…"

"No! Not the hospital, I'm fine."

Esposito appeared a moment later, "You sure?"

He tried to nod but it caused too much pain and he grabbed his head in his hands tightly. "Positive, I'm fine." A grimace covered his face as he suddenly paled. "I feel sick."

Laney sighed, "It's a concussion." She looked at Esposito, "He has to stay awake for the rest of the day. I'd like him to go to a hospital but I can't make him. Watch for slurred speech or abnormal behavior and no matter how many times he says it don't think he's _fine_. He could have a skull fracture or a neck injury."

Knowing Esposito couldn't leave right now after receiving so much information from Ryan they decided to keep the battered man at the precinct. They got him seated in a side office that cut down on some of the noise of the busy bullpen and gave his some ice for his throat to keep down the swelling.

"When Laney was checking you over I read Beckett's notes."

Not having the energy to move or reply Ryan just met his eyes and blinked sluggishly.

"I wish you would have told me."

Ryan swallowed and fought tears at the pain it cause, "It was selfish but when I talked to you and hung out I didn't have to think about everything. I didn't think it was going anywhere so I didn't say anything but then when it started to mean something I didn't want to tell you. When I was with you I could just be me, not Quiet Ryan or Conor's punching bag or a drug dealer. I'm sorry Javi, last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you."

Esposito walked over to the window and glanced outside, "Your first kill was when you were fifteen years old, last one was then you were twenty-four. Why'd you stop?"

Ryan's eyes slid shut, "Boss told me my job was done, said everything was cleaned up and I was retired until further notice. I can't tell you how good it was to hear those words, that I wouldn't have to look someone in the eyes again and watch as their pupils exploded with fear just before I pulled the trigger. I still worked though and went on hits, crippled more than a few people but didn't kill anyone else."

"Have you engaged in illegal behavior since we met?"

Ryan nodded softly, "No hits but the heroine moves quickly, I've sold quite a bit since meeting you. I assaulted somebody right after we met but he hit me first so I don't think it should really count."

The room descended into silence once again, "I just wish you would have told me bro, this puts me in a bad spot. I get it though, you killed the people the boss said or you got popped." When he didn't receive a reply he turned to see Ryan asleep in the chair. He walked over and sat down next to him, "Wake up Kev, gotta stay awake."

His eyes slid open and he sat forward to try to keep from sleeping again, "I know I have to stay here since I'm a target now but after the raid I know you guys are going to plan I'll disappear if that's what you want. You'll never see or hear from me again." In a tone that contained so much hurt it was unbearable he quietly whispered, "It'll be like this never even happened."

Esposito bit his lip and balled his hands in fists before shaking his head in anger at the words and the situation and leaving the office. A few minutes later Castle entered, "Rough day."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Me? No, no, no. I'm here to ask to write your autobiography. Your story is amazing and I'm pretty sure we only have about half of it." Seeing Ryan's expression he sighed, "Joking. Kind of."

He sat down across from Ryan and began fiddling with a his phone. "When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."

Ryan shook his head, "You came in here to quote Oscar Wilde? Seriously?"

Mild surprise appeared on Castle's face at the fact he recognized the quote. "I came in here to make sure you stay awake but also to show you this." He slid the phone across the desk and Ryan picked it up before staring at it with a pained expression. It was a picture of the night they were playing poker and apparently Castle had taken a picture of Ryan and Esposito smiling brightly at each other. "He loves you."

"Not anymore."

Castle glanced outside the office at Beckett, "Love dies when you let it. I don't think you or Esposito are ready to let it."

Ryan looked out the glass where Castle was looking, "She's something special isn't she? Beautiful, sharp, demanding. I see why you like her. You ever going to tell her?"

"I… don't know what you're talking about."

"You flinched! You read like an open book. Hah! Get it?" he said with raised eyebrows and a small grin, which faded when Esposito walked back into the office. Castle mumbled an excuse before exiting the room leaving a still fuzzy Ryan and a more than a little pissed off Esposito.

Javier didn't want to start something but the pure betrayal he felt was transforming from anger to a full rage. "I get it bro, really I do, but why wouldn't you tell me? You say you love me then omit the fact that you killed seven people in cold blood! I mean what the fuck?"

Ryan couldn't take this anymore and the pounding in his head wasn't helping. "You know what Javi? I don't owe you anything! You have no idea what my life has been like, no idea! You live your life on your own terms and go to your legit job, you don't know what it's like to be owned by someone. I'm not a person I'm a thing. You think Ed took me under his wing and I lived the life as the adopted child of a mob boss, anything I wanted? Wrong. I'm a dog on a fucking leash. I was a new pet. It's called survival Javi, I did what I had to to survive."

"Survive? You thrived! You were his golden boy! You even said how much 'class' he had, how much you admire him. I bet you enjoyed killing those people, enjoyed the power weak little Kevin felt as they bled. You walk the walk and talk the talk but you're just a pathetic weakling."

His jaw dropped in shock at the hateful words out of the one person that had never been cruel to him before he snapped. "Fuck you!" he screamed before tears unwillingly collected in his eyes. "You want to bitch and moan about the day you had? I just had to confess every horrible sick thing I've ever seen and done then got the shit beat out of me by someone who's had it out for me for years. I'm lucky I'm not dead after your partner took my knife! Way to take your sweet time on the rescue, thought you'd let them get a few hits in before you decided to let me live? Let someone else do your dirty work? I trusted you but you're the same as all of them. You got what you wanted out of me, now I'm of no use anymore. You never loved me, I'm just a means to an end for you."

Esposito shook his head and waved his arms around sarcastically, "Yes Kevin, you're just a victim. Woe is you."

He wasn't expecting Ryan to jump over the desk and attack him with energy that he seemed to find from his anger. By the time Castle and a detective pulled them apart Esposito was bleeding profusely from his nose and his eye was turning black. He cursed and took an offered hanky before watching as two uniforms drug Ryan away to the elevator to take him to holding. Their eyes were locked on each other, Ryan's seeming so cold and angry to everyone but Esposito who could only see the raw hurt shining through.

"What the hell was that?" Beckett asked.

Esposito rubbed at his nose and even though it hurt terribly he didn't think it was broken. "I said some things I shouldn't have." It was an understatement and as he went over the conversation in his head his anger quickly transformed to grief. He didn't even know why he said half the things he did, he hadn't meant them yet he had spat them viciously at the man he supposedly loved. Instead of thinking rationally about everything he had been blinded by fury, both from the secrets Ryan had kept from him and the fact that he had deep down known these facts yet chosen to ignore them. Today's events fell fully on both their shoulders.

It was times like this that the fact that they were so _wrong _for each other became too obvious to ignore. They were terrible for each other, they always seemed to be fighting and only rarely did things seem to go smoothly. Their relationship was abusive, both physically and emotionally, and extremely unhealthy for all parties involved but the heart wants what it wants.

And it wanted Ryan.

It didn't matter that Ryan was emotionally unstable and had killed people just because someone told him to. It didn't matter that he burned down houses and sold mass amounts of heroine. It didn't matter that he had lied and omitted things about his past. None of it mattered because at the end of the day when they were wrapped around each other coming down from their post sex high he knew there was nowhere he would rather be. If he had to take all the bad with the good he would because with Ryan it was all or nothing, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

He could only pray that he hadn't reduced all of it to nothing.


	15. Like I Do, And I Blame You

**Huge thanks to auntof3, Nadreth, and red2013 ************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.**  


* * *

Esposito walked into holding and sat down across from the empty cell Ryan was sitting in and watched as he shifted slightly to acknowledge his presence but never looked up from the spot he was staring at on the floor. The air felt thick with tension yet neither spoke to try to break it. He hated it when Ryan looked vulnerable, and right now sitting in the corner of the large cell staring at the dirty concrete in his rumpled clothes he looked more than a little defenseless.

"I'm sorry," Esposito finally said. It sounded pathetic even to his own ears but it was all he could offer.

"No you're not," was the immediate response from the man slumped in the corner against the bars. His voice cracked with emotion and he sniffled once, the sound going straight to Esposito's heart. The room descended into silence again for several minutes until Ryan lifted his hands to his temples and rubbed gingerly. "What's been heard can never be unheard. I will always be a murderer, a thing to you. I'm not stupid, I know how this ends," he said in tired acceptance.

"You're not a thing, I just…"

"You don't need to explain Esposito, it's all just words at this point anyway. It was fun while it lasted and if we're being honest we both knew this would end badly. So am I getting charged with assaulting an officer or can I go?" he asked quietly.

Esposito sighed heavily, "I'm not pressing charges so you're free to go."

He stood up and after grabbing the wall to steady himself he walked to the edge of the cell, his eyes never leaving the floor. "Then let me out of here."

The door slid open and Ryan slid past him, careful to not make contact, to the elevator and tried to get it to shut quickly but Esposito still managed to catch it. When it opened on another floor a second later both men looked at the older man who entered and stared at the pair, "I was told I could find you both downstairs. I'm Captain Ramirez from Gangs, I need you both to come with me."

Esposito immediately stood straighter but Ryan just looked like he was approaching mental breakdown territory as he leaned against the wall with a quiet groan. They exited on the homicide floor oddly enough and walked to the Captain's office where he, Beckett, Castle, and another man were standing quietly. When they entered Esposito immediately walked over next to Beckett but Ryan just hovered by the door wearily. The unidentified man slid behind him and closed the door, forcing him to move away. "Mr. Ryan, have a seat."

Everyone knew it was not a request but a demand. Just wanting this to get over with so he could get the hell out of here he dropped down reluctantly and waited expectantly. The man leaned against the edge of the desk and crossed his arms, "I'm Special Agent Smith," he began and his eyes narrowed when Ryan snorted in disbelief. He continued speaking about how he read all the reports and statements and that they had been waiting for someone to come forward and now was the perfect opportunity for someone to go in and get the final evidence needed to bust the entire mob.

Ryan held up his hand, "Woah, woah, woah. Just stop right there. You want me to go in undercover… wearing a wire? Are ya fuckin' crazy? I mean God, I didn't give you enough already?"

Captain Ramirez stepped forward, "It's actually my idea, he's just here to sweeten the pot for you. Offer you some incentive."

"Really?" he bit out. "And what in the world could you offer me?"

"Witness protection," both men responded.

Esposito who had tried to stay silent the entire time finally blurted out, "You can't do that!"

Smith turned and faced him properly, his steely gaze picking him apart. "I'm told you have a personal relationship with him therefore your opinion is biased. It would be in your best interest to stay quiet Detective, this has nothing to do with you."

Ramirez caught Ryan's attention again and tried to convince him it was a good idea but Ryan wasn't having any of it. "There's no way in hell you're going to send me back in there then _if,_ and that's a big if, I survive you'll just pack me up and drop me where ever you damn well please. I'm not leaving everything behind."

Done with playing Ramirez leaned forward, "You don't have anything here Quiet, everyone's dead. You have nothing except a, as I'm informed, _volatile_ relationship with Detective Esposito. I'm giving you this against my better judgment, see I think you should rot in prison for the rest of your life but you got lucky with this bunch and signed your agreement before I could get to you. Take the deal Ryan before there are consequences to face."

Ryan's gaze hardened and he spoke in a low unfamiliar tone that sent a chill down Castle's spine, the writer had no doubt that they were no longer talking to Ryan but to Quiet. "Are you threatening me? I don't respond well to threats _Captain_."

"That's not what I heard, you seem to do whatever Conor says when he threatens you."

It was a low blow and everyone in the room knew it, Beckett's hand on Esposito the only thing keeping him in place. Ryan didn't rise to the bait however, just leaned back with an expression way too cocky for the current circumstances. "You think you know everything that goes on in that place? That you've got it all figured out? Since I'm feeling talkative today I'll let you in on a little secret, everything you know about us we know about you."

"Explain," Smith demanded with a frown.

Meeting Ramirez's eyes he grinned maliciously, "How's the wife Joseph, Amelia right? And the girls, twins I recall, Alicia and Celeste? You know Celeste really should have left and gone to college, got the hell away from here but she just couldn't since Alicia didn't get in with her. They do everything together."

"You son of a bitch!" he screamed before trying to attack him, only held back by Smith.

"How do you know all that?"

Ryan leaned forward, hands clenched around the edges of the chair. "We know everything. You think we would have survived this long if we were stupid? I know every single undercover officer you ever sent in there, I know every name of everyone monitoring the phones. That's why I can't go back in there. They know I snitched; I'll have a bullet in my brain before my foot can hit the hardwood. You don't just walk away from Conor, everybody knows that. He's going to hunt me down and I'm not going to make it easy on him by walking in the fucking front door. As soon as he gets wind that Danny Boy failed at putting me six feet under I'm as good as dead." Laughing bitterly he pointed to them all, "This is how you people try to get things done? You just send in down-on-their-luck people with no concern for their welfare? God, how many do you lose? You might as well just line us all up and open fire."

Smith tried to regain some semblance of control over the group, "We got off on the wrong foot…"

Ryan laughed humorlessly, "Really? Ya really think so? Sorry I didn't respond well to you trying to take advantage of me. I'm not the idiotic desperate low-life you usually deal with. I don't need you, you need me." With a final shake of his head he headed for the door and swung it open but not before meeting Ramirez's eyes, "You're an asshole that shouldn't even be a cop, let alone a Captain. You let your last informant die and didn't even try to do anything to save him because it'd blow everyone's cover. These are people Joseph, not pawns."

"And who found him out Quiet? If you knew why didn't you help him?" he sneered. "It was probably you who blew the whistle, no honor among thieves huh?"

It was like watching a train wreck, everyone wanted to look away but couldn't.

Ryan couldn't believe it, "You're really going there? Fine you want to know who ratted on him? Me. He came to me and actually told me he was the rat, like I was going to help him or something. He was crazy if he thought I was going down with him. You want to know what I did to the Judas? I busted his kneecaps so he couldn't leave and waited until Handsome got there to bring him to Conor. If memory serves I even said hi to you through the wire that was so fucking obvious it was insulting."

Ramirez smiled humorlessly, "So it's your fault he's dead."

"Sure, why not? I'll take the blame, not like it's anything new to me," he replied easily as he turned to leave. "By the way, your wife didn't get the boob job for you, she got it for Jacobs in robbery. You know, the one she's been screwing for the last eight months right under your nose."

Everyone could only stand in an uncomfortable silence until Esposito exited the office and jogged to the elevator that Ryan was standing in. "Where are you going?"

"It's no concern of yours Detective," he replied shortly.

He sighed heavily. "Kev, the things that I said…" he began as he reached out to touch him.

"Don't touch me and don't call me that!" he cried hysterically. "It's Ryan and just leave me alone. You've done enough." The doors slid open on ground level and without a backward glance he walked through the lobby and out onto the street. He wanted to go after him but knew it wouldn't be appreciated so he continued back up to homicide and intercepted Castle when he stepped out.

"Where's Ryan?" the writer instantly asked in concern.

"He left," he said in a firm tone. "Even though it's going to piss him off I have to find him. With him being on the top of the mob's most wanted list he's not safe out there alone."

"I'll get him," Castle offered. At Esposito's arched brow he shrugged, "I know you guys need some space right now so let me bring him to my place for tonight."

"Fine. Hurry though, I don't know where he's going to go since he lives with me."

Castle nodded and after waving goodbye to Beckett hurriedly entered the elevator and pressed the ground level button. He burst out of the precinct and glanced around hoping that Ryan hadn't gotten too far, his wish was granted as he spotted him at the end of the block just standing there with a lost expression. With quick steps he made his way over and when Ryan glanced over he smiled hesitantly, "Hey Ryan, I…"

He sighed heavily, "I know the drill, I can't be alone. Am I going home with you? You guys just pass me around when one of you gets sick of me, I'm the broken toy that nobody wants."

It was spoken so sadly and with so much acceptance that words for once failed the writer and he only nodded. Ryan moved closer and waited for him to lead the way and with a small pat to his shoulder from the larger man the pair walked towards Castle's car.

Beckett exited the room of men still standing uncomfortably and glanced at her partner as Castle left but before she could say anything an officer approached her and handed her a few disks. "Thanks Michelle."

"What's that?" Esposito asked.

She debated not telling him but he had a right to know. "It's some security footage that gangs got from the bar from a few years ago. I was going to watch some to try to put together a picture with everything Ryan gave us."

Esposito followed her into a side room and sat down while she slid the disk in, "I'll watch it with you."

Both watched quietly, people blurring across the screen with a slightly younger Ryan behind the bar. "That must be Ed," Beckett said as she slowed it down to real time.

The picture was a little blurry but they watched as Ed entered the bar obviously at night since the video was darker than before along with a few other men. Ryan came wandering into the screen a short time later and laughed at whatever Ed was saying. Everyone stood together for a while until people filtered out of the room and Ed clapped Ryan on the back happily before pulling him into a hug and walking away. It came out of nowhere but suddenly someone with a baseball bat came into view and slammed it into Ryan's back sending him sprawling.

"Jesus Christ," Esposito said in shock, sitting up more and staring at the screen in alarm.

Beckett grimaced and continued to watch as the person that they recognized as Conor hit him again in the arm before Ryan managed to grab the bat and try to pull it away. His grip must have slipped because Conor yanked it away and hit him over and over before finally just walking out of the picture leaving Ryan on the floor bleeding profusely and cradling his obviously broken arm. Esposito could only watch the time stamp as hours passed with him just lying there barely moving. Finally Ryan lifted himself up a bit and half-crawled half-drug himself off to the side and out of the screen.

Beckett glanced over and softly exclaimed, "You don't need to watch these."

"Yes I do," he said instantly.

After a few hours Beckett stopped the last one and stared in silence at Esposito who was laying back with his eyes closed. Over the course of the evening they had watched Ryan get beaten over and over by Conor, had watched cash change many hands but no drugs, and had witnessed Ryan and another man talking late at night while drinking and cleaning their guns. It was all circumstantial but now with Ryan's confession they could put together the entire picture.

"I can't believe what I said to him," he finally said.

"We all make mistakes Espo and I know Ryan's been through more than anyone should but he's not just a victim. Maybe it's not what you said but how you said it."

He could only nod and fighting against the heaviness in his limbs he stood, "I'm going home."

Ryan and Castle were on their way to Castle's apartment after stopping at Esposito's to grab his clothes and items, the ride mostly quiet. "Thanks for letting me stay with you Castle. It'll only be tonight then I'll leave."

"You don't have to, you can stay until you find a place. I really don't mind."

Ryan shook his head, "It's better if I just disappear, you guys don't need me fucking things up worse than I already have."

Finding he couldn't help but pry he cleared his throat, "So what happened between you and Espo earlier?"

"We both thought we knew each other, we found out we didn't."

Castle stayed quiet hoping for more and his patience was rewarded a few minutes later.

"We just come from different places, we're totally different people. He's successful and honest and a genuinely good person and I'm the complete opposite. I thought I could ignore it, change, move on or something but I can't. He deserves better and I was selfish to drag him down with me. I should have kicked him out of the bar the first time I saw him."

Castle glanced over and saw the disappointment on his face. "It's a romantic notion and no one blames you for wanting to escape your reality. As I listened to you talk today I didn't get a killer vibe from you and I'm pretty good at picking up on that. You're not a bad person Ryan, you've just done bad things."

Ryan snorted and crossed his arms, "Is there a difference?"

"Absolutely."

A few minutes later Ryan grabbed the door handle. "Stop the car." As soon as Castle pulled over he jerked open the door and vomited into the gutter. After a short time he leaned back in his seat with his eyes closed and closed the door.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital for your concussion? That's a bad sign that you're getting sick," he asked in concern.

"Please no hospital." With one final concerned glance he pulled back onto the road and continued to his home.

Once there the two climbed from Castle's car and up to his apartment where after entering Ryan stood in the middle of the room with a frown and a duffel. Castle looked around, "I don't have an extra room but the couch is pretty comfy or you can sleep in my office."

Castle watched as Ryan walked over to the couch and set down his bag next to it. Sometimes it was hard to see the criminal in him, the dark side he hid extremely well. His eyes, which had seen more than any should, still held a certain innocence when they were opened wide and housed by his long lashes. His small stature also made him seem like less than a threat than he really was, the top of his spiked hair only came to Castle's nose.

Not wanting to make him uncomfortable he walked to the kitchen and began digging in the fridge for something for dinner. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Ryan take in his surroundings before dropping his head into his hands and shaking his head brokenly. Castle was only eleven years older than the other man but something about him caused his fatherly instincts to kick into high gear. "Bathroom's the second door down the hall if you want to brush your teeth."

He thanked him and grabbed his toothbrush before walking away and brushing the terrible taste out of his mouth. When he reappeared he began to walk to the couch but Castle stopped him. "Ryan, come here."

He switched directions and wandered over before sliding onto a bar stool. "Yeah?"

"Is fettuccine alfredo alright?" he asked, just trying to alleviate the thick silence.

He nodded, "Anything's great, thanks. You got anything to drink?"

Castle bit the inside of his cheek and turned, "Milk, water, and orange juice." Seeing Ryan's disbelieving expression he faced him fully, "Alexis will be home later and I'd prefer you sober. According to Esposito your temperament changes when you drink too much and he informed me you don't know when to stop."

Ryan couldn't even take offense to the fact he had just been called a violent drunk because it was true so he simply nodded and stared down at the counter, eventually laying his head on the cool marble surface. "She's a great kid."

"Yes she is," he replied proudly. "I have no idea who she takes after but thank God it wasn't me or her mother."

A small honest laugh finally sounded from Ryan and when Castle set down a bowl in front of him the two began to eat, both talking lightly about anything and everything. "Ryan I've been wondering something and this is probably going to sound callous but I'm going to ask anyway." At the other man's quirked eyebrow he continued. "I write about Kate and Esposito for my books and the cases we work on. Would it be alright to include you?"

"You want to make money off of my misery?" he asked bluntly.

Castle grimaced but before he could apologize Ryan shrugged, "Go ahead, I don't care. At least something good would come out of the disaster I call life. You know I was actually happy before I met Javi."

Startled at the change in topic the writer stayed silent waiting for more insight into the mobster's life. "Everything was simple and no it wasn't great but it wasn't too bad either. If I had just turned him away that very first day we both would have been happier."

"I disagree," Castle interrupted. "Everything might have been easier for both of you but not better in any way. Can you honestly say that you wish you had never met Esposito?"

"No," he said quietly. He ground the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Do you have something for my head? It's killing me."

Castle jumped up and handed him some pain killers, "I bet. After everything this evening I almost forgot about the red haired ogre attacking you."

Ryan smiled weakly, "It's easy to forget the little guy. It ok if I go ahead and lie down?"

An hour later Ryan was passed out on the couch and Castle was sitting in a chair quietly reading and keeping an eye on him. As an after thought he grabbed his cell from the table next to him and texted Esposito, even though they were on the rocks he knew he would be worried when Ryan never came home. The door opened and Castle held up a finger to his lips as he walked over to greet Alexis. "Hi honey, how was your date?"

"Great," she said distractedly. "Why is Kevin here?"

Castle glanced over at the small lump curled up on the couch before looking back at his daughter, "He and Esposito had a pretty bad fight today. A lot more happened too but now's not the time to talk about it."

She nodded and kissed her dad's cheek, "Ok, I'll see you in the morning." Castle left the room and Alexis clicked off the lights before walking over and adjusting the blanket over Ryan and softly whispering, "Sweet dreams Kevin."


	16. No One Bites Back As Hard

**Huge thanks to Nadreth, red2013, and auntof3 ****************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.**  


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The next morning Alexis was quietly working in the kitchen when she saw Ryan sit up on the couch and rub his hands through his disheveled hair before standing and stretching. A yawn escaped him and he turned to look to the kitchen where Alexis smiled brightly and waved him over. He shuffled over and dropped down onto a bar stool and groaned as his body protested the movements.

Alexis began to make coffee and left him alone while he tried to get his mind and body to begin to function. Once Ryan was drinking the warm brew he seemed to wake up more and rolled his shoulders as the stiffness from the beating the day before hit him.

"Oh my God, what happened to your neck?" she suddenly asked.

Ryan suppressed a shiver when her fingers gently touched the angry marks on his neck, "Had a run in with an acquaintance yesterday."

She nodded and pulled back before sitting down next to him and just staring. Figuring he must be a mess he allowed it and kept his gaze forward while she took in his profile. "I heard you and Detective Esposito had a fight yesterday. Did you guys work it out or did you break up?"

Ryan shook his head, "I'd say we're as good as done but I don't know, kind of hard to say after I gave him a bloody nose."

"Wait, you mean you fought? I thought it was just an argument."

He took a sip of his coffee, "It started as one but ended as a fight. He said some things that hurt really badly. Still no excuse though, I shouldn't have hit him."

Alexis jumped up and grabbed some ice cream and two spoons before sitting back down. "Before you say anything ice cream is acceptable for every meal and necessary when talking about relationship problems. Now tell me everything."

Ryan looked uncomfortable but began speaking and found that the completely open look Alexis was giving him made it quite easy to spill his secrets. He waited for disgust to cover her face when he spoke about his past transgressions but it never came. When he finished Alexis jumped up and hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you're alive Kevin, you're an exceptional person. You've been through so much and I appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me all this."

Surprised he just stayed still until she sat back down, "You're not scared of me? Disgusted? Anything?"

"Not at all, if you were going to kill me you would have already," she replied simply.

He laughed and shook his head as the two descended into silence and finished off the ice cream. She licked her spoon and set it down, "You have to do what's best for you but I think you should give Detective Esposito another chance. Sometimes people say things that they don't mean and men are pretty dense sometimes, no offense. He loves you and I know you love him. Speaking of I thought you were gay."

"Nah. I like women but I can appreciate men. Javi's a special guy."

They both looked over when Castle entered the room dressed for the day and greeted them cheerily. He pointed to the ice cream container on the counter, "Ice cream party and you didn't invite me?"

Alexis smiled and shoulder bumped Ryan, "Sorry, just a two person party dad."

"So what's on the agenda today?" he asked as he poured himself some orange juice. After Alexis responded with school and a study session at the library afterwards his gaze slid to Ryan.

"Me?" At Castle's nod he shrugged, "I guess apartment hunt."

Before Castle could even respond Alexis grabbed his arm, "You don't have to leave right away."

Ryan smiled softly at her, "While I thank you and your dad for putting me up last night I still need to find my own place. It's not safe for me to be here."

A knock on the door grabbed Castle's attention and he walked away from the pair. He opened the door and his eyebrows rose before he announced, "Esposito please, come in."

Ryan stared down at the counter with an angry expression while Alexis glared at the new arrival. Castle forced a smile through all the awkwardness and walked over to Alexis, "Why don't we go grab some breakfast honey?"

"I already ate," she said as she moved between Ryan and Esposito and crossed her arms defensively.

Castle grabbed her hand and drug her away, "Of course you have honey, we'll go do…something… Bye!" The door slammed shut leaving Ryan still sitting at the bar and Esposito approaching slowly.

"Hey Kev."

Ryan rolled his eyes and released a huff before slamming his hands down on the counter and standing up. He walked over to the couch and began grabbing his clothes before stuffing them in a backpack but when he turned to leave his way was blocked. "Get out of my way Esposito."

"Just hear me out bro then I'll let you go. Five minutes, that's all I'm asking."

"Why should I give you anything? We're over, leave it alone. I'll get my stuff out today," he snapped as he again tried to move around him unsuccessfully. Holding back on his warring emotions he sucked in a steadying breath and looked up at him. "Move before I make you move."

Esposito relented and took a step to the side but the quiet, "Please" did the trick his actions couldn't.

Ryan paused by the end of the couch and shook his head in exasperation before sitting down on the couch and crossing his arms, "Fine, five minutes."

He knew that Ryan meant it that he would only get five minutes so he quickly launched into his apology. "First off I need to talk to you about your view of me because I think it's skewed. I'm not perfect and I think in your mind you kind of expect me to be and that's putting me in shoes I can't fill. Everything I have I worked for and it didn't come easy because I fought myself every step of the way. My dad wasn't around growing up and my mom had to work two jobs to support my brothers and I so it left me alone quite a bit. I have a record; assault, resisting arrest, unlawful possession, and some other things. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though it doesn't seem like it, I can kind of see where you're coming from and all I'm asking is that you do the same. I'm not Captain America, I'm only human and humans are flawed."

Ryan never moved but his expression changed from pissed to slightly thoughtful. It was true he held Javier in very high regard making it that much worse when he seemed to fall from grace. Maybe he had been unfair in that regard.

"As for yesterday, what I said was out of line. It was rude and unnecessary and I wish I could take it back but I can't. You were right, I don't know what your life was like. No one does but you and we all have our crosses to bear and I have to respect yours. I can't just act like it didn't happen but I know that's not you."

Ryan suddenly kicked out his leg and caught Esposito's, instantly dropping him to the carpet where he promptly jumped on top of him and held his balisong to his neck. "And what's me Javi? Tell me what the real Kevin Ryan is like."

Esposito looked into the blue eyes he adored, and stayed still while the knife sat stiff against his throat. His heart rate was slow and his pupils weren't dilated, no indications of fear or anxiety present because finally after spending so much time with Ryan he had been expecting the emotional whiplash. "Lost and more afraid than he lets on. I don't think he even knows what he's like because he's never gotten to be himself. I think the only time I ever see the real Kevin Ryan is when he feels safe, which isn't very damn often. I think he latches onto whoever he can that can make him forget everything even for a little while. I think he's dorky, and adorable, and more of a badass than I realized. How am I doing?"

Ryan scoffed and the blade trembled slightly in his grip, "What about pathetic weak little Kevin that enjoys hurting people? Can you seriously handle the fact I murdered seven people? I almost beat one of them to death before I killed him. I'm not a righteous man, I'm not anything like you even with your so called flaws and I never will be. I could kill you right now and it would just be another notch in my belt."

"But you won't," he said quietly as he swallowed, wincing when the blade pressed harder into his skin. "Because even though I've hurt you, I've never _hurt _you before." He watched Ryan scrunch his brow in thought and knew he would realize that it was true, that he had never caused him physical pain. Even when he had attacked him Esposito had only tried to get him away, never throwing a punch himself. Why hadn't he noticed that before?

When Ryan spoke his voice wavered unwillingly, "Just stop ok? In all my years with the mob I have never felt as exhausted since I met you. You are the most infuriating, demanding, pain in the ass I have ever met. What you said was brutal, I can't just forget it and it just made it so much worse that it was you who said it. I did what you wanted and then you were pissed about it, it's just a lose lose for me. I mean did you ever honestly even love me?"

Esposito swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded before meeting the blue eyes he loved. "Kev, don't ever doubt my love for you. I could never use you for anything, and I'm so sorry for everything I said. When everything was said and done I should have had your back and I left you hanging and all I can say is it'll never happen again. I love you."

The seconds seemed to crawl by, Esposito waiting for the response that would either make everything better or completely devastate him and Ryan's eyes weren't giving any indication of his thoughts. Just as he began to prepare for the worst Ryan flipped the knife closed and laid his head down on the other man's chest listening to the familiar heartbeat. "I love you too. Take me away Javi," he whispered as he hugged him tighter.

Esposito sighed and wrapped his arms around his on-again boyfriend's warm body and lifted his head to kiss his forehead. "I can't do that, I wish I could but I can't. I'm going to make this better though; I'm going to get everybody you told us about. Especially Conor." Ryan clenched his hands in the fabric of Esposito's shirt in response, not caring he was wrinkling it.

"I belong to them," he said in a haunted tone. "It'll never be over, Conor will find me."

"You belong to me," he said sharply and mentally cursed himself for letting that slip out. Ryan wasn't a thing to be owned but a person to be loved. He was surprised when Ryan looked at him earnestly and asked if he really meant it. This was apparently something they needed to discuss, he really needed to work on his self esteem, but for right now if it would make him feel better he would allow it.

"You're mine Kevin, I love you."

Done with talking Esposito's hands rose and grasped Ryan's face before leaning forward and capturing his lips, the familiar feeling of soft lips and rough stubble comforting them both. Hands roamed and the kiss deepened, Esposito hissing when Ryan bit his bottom lip. Javier rolled them over so he was on top and bit back a moan when Ryan grabbed his belt loops and pulled his hips down.

"We need to stop. They could come back any minute," he said nervously. He considered Castle a good friend but there were definitely things he did not need him to see.

Soft hands, hands that shouldn't feel so sinfully delicate crept up under Javier's shirt and carefully traced the planes of his back before his blunt fingernails scraped down his spine. His head was spinning and he fought to get words out of his muddled brain but with Ryan dry humping him and trying to wrestle him out of his shirt it was proving difficult. "Kev we can't… we're at Castle's."

Ryan completely ignored him as his hands tried to get Esposito's jeans undone but with absolutely no help from the other man all he could do was let out frustrated noises. "Javi!" he finally cried in exasperation. "Castle is not stupid, he's going to give us time to either kill each other or fuck each other and you're killing our make up sex. Stop. Talking."

Both men stared at each other before they began to laugh. "You're right. Sorry."

Esposito leaned back on his knees and slid off Ryan's pants before kicking his own off, grinning when Ryan impatiently pulled off his own shirt and stared at him expectantly. Leaning forward again he attached his lips to Ryan's soft belly right above his right hipbone and sucked gently, his hands wrapping around the Irishman's arms to keep him from moving. He knew the spot was ticklish, that it rode the fine line between making him want to giggle adorably and moan in ecstasy and he used it to torture him.

When he felt Ryan begin to tremble, his muscles sliding under his skin as he tensed against his lips he finally moved his affections up across his navel and chest and settled on his neck right over the tattoo that Ryan had had for the past fourteen years. His tongue licked over the design and with everything he was he wished he could lick it clean off and free him from the shackles that weighed down his soul.

Ryan gasped when Esposito finally pressed against him and even though the thin fabric of their boxers was between them he couldn't help the loud moan that escaped his lips. He was so hard it hurt and when he met the deep chocolate eyes he loved he could see that Javier _knew _what he was doing to him and the knowledge that he was purposely being tortured made him ache more than he already was.

Esposito finally relented when Ryan whined, actually whined and bucked his hips up. After freeing them both from the material that separated them he carefully and gently slid into his love and watched as Ryan stared at the ceiling with a strained expression. "You ok?"

"Yeah," he squeaked.

"Good," was the only warning Kevin got before Javier snapped his hips forward and buried himself inside his warmth.

He had really planned on drawing this out but with Ryan underneath him moaning like a fucking porn star and meeting him thrust for thrust he wasn't going to last long. Tightening his grip on his partner's narrow hips he lifted him a little and the effect was immediate. Ryan was spewing curses and moaning and shouting his name and Castle's neighbors were definitely going to think the writer had started to branch out in his sexual escapades but he couldn't bring himself to care about that right now.

He slapped Ryan's hand away when he tried to grab himself and after grabbing him snugly he trust a few more times and they were both coming hard. Ryan unraveled beneath him, back arching off the floor as a final broken curse burst from his lips.

They stayed locked together for a few blissful minutes as they came down from their high, the serene silence finally broken when Ryan suddenly shoved him away. With hurt eyes he looked at Ryan who was just shaking his head and mumbling something before he quickly dressed and stood to grab his bag. "Kev what's wrong?"

"I can't keep doing this. I just... this isn't working. I'm sorry, I have to go."

Quickly pulling on his pants he stood, "What? Where? What just happened, I thought we were fine."

Ryan kept walking to the door but answered. "We both keep playing with fire and it's not fair to either of us. We both just keep getting burned. I love you Javi, more than you know but I can't keep doing this. You deserve more than I can give."

"Where are you going?" He never got an answer as the door opened and closed swiftly. Pushing down the panic that was rising in him he quickly redressed and ran out of the apartment trying to find him. He barely caught him before he climbed into a cab and jerked him back onto the sidewalk. "Talk to me, you can't just leave me like that."

Ryan looked up at him without anger, only a hint of fear and sadness present. "Don't make this hard please. This won't work and you need to just let it go."

Knowing this was his only chance to change his mind he grabbed him into a kiss, pouring all his emotion into it. "Kevin I love you and I won't let you push me away. I don't know what your reasons are but if they're what I think they are you're wrong. You said I deserve more but I don't want more or less or anything else, just you. I will not die because I'm with you, nothing is going to happen to either of us. You can try to push me away but I'm not going anywhere. I'll fight you tooth and nail to the bitter end. You've got to stop trying to push me away because it's not working and the sooner you realize that the easier it'll be for both of us."

Ryan stared down at the concrete deep in thought before finally taking a small step forward and leaning into Esposito's chest. "You love me that much?"

"That much Kev. Now can we please finally go home and stop with all this chick flick stuff?"

His answer came in the form of a slug to the arm and a small grin.

Over the course of the next few days everything for once was calm and easy. Esposito woke and went to work at the precinct while Ryan stayed in the apartment where it was safe. Nights were spent together eating meals that Ryan cooked and even though Esposito wished it could stay this way for a while he knew it was unrealistic. Ryan wasn't a house wife and he loved to socialize meaning that this calm they had found would not last but Esposito prayed it would at least hold until after they executed the raid on the mob. If they could only get past that Ryan could be free to do whatever he chose whenever he chose.

On a balmy evening Esposito entered the apartment and his eyebrows lifted minutely in curiosity when he saw Ryan sitting at his table with all the gun cases that were usually under the bed scattered around him. He closed and locked the door and set dinner on the counter before walking over and peering over his boyfriend's shoulder. Two shotguns and a .308 lay in their open cases and on a towel directly in front of him four pistols lay gleaming. He had known that the cases contained guns but he had no idea which ones. "I swear to God Kev. You're a felon, you are not allowed to have these."

Ryan looked up at him and grinned, "You going to take 'em Javi?"

"No," he sighed and sat down next to him looking over the weapons and accessories. The guns were all high grade and spotless, obviously well taken care of. It was the pistol he was cleaning that caught his attention the most though. It was a Colt 1911 and it was gorgeous, completely black with silver accents, fully engraved down the slide. Something about the way Ryan handled it told him that this was a very special gun, his hands moved almost lovingly over the cool metal as he reassembled it.

"That's it isn't it? That's the gun you use for hits," he said quietly.

Ryan stilled and held the gun a little tighter and pulled it protectively to his chest. "Why ask questions you already know the answers to?"

He should have known Ryan wouldn't give him a straight answer. "That's an expensive silencer, both of them are," he said as he peered at the long tubes. "Why are you cleaning everything?" he asked.

His boyfriend closed and began to lock all the cases, "Just good to keep them in working order whether they get used or not. After talking about everything recently I figured I might as well get them taken care of." When he got to his .45 he picked up the magazine and began to slide hollow points in one by one, "She's retired, just like me. It feel's disrespectful to not keep her spotless and ready though."

"Why a .45 instead of a 9mm? You only get eight shots."

"Why would I need seventeen shots?" he countered. "I'd rather have something that causes more damage because I know I'm not going to miss."

Esposito stayed quiet and watched him eventually slide the magazine in but not put one in the chamber. He placed the gun in the case and glanced over when Esposito asked, "Can I see it?"

He hesitated before shaking his head, "I love you but no. You don't need to touch something like that, no matter how clean it looks it'll always have blood on it and I don't want that on your hands."

"I understand," he said. "You a good shot with the .308?"

Ryan nodded, "Perfect with all of them, no point in having a gun if you can't hit anything with it."

Esposito shifted a little uncomfortably, "And have you hit a lot with it?"

Ryan heard the unspoken question and carefully avoided eye contact. "Just targets mostly, it's a fun gun to shoot. I have hit… a couple things I've aimed at though."

This conversation could get ugly fast so with a deep breath and a smile he rose and kissed the top of his head. "You ready for dinner?"

Ryan nodded and after putting all the guns and everything back where they belonged he walked to the table and smiled excitedly, "Chinese?"

"Of course."


	17. On Their Anger

**Huge thanks to red2013, auntof3, Nadreth, Alsa Ravenwood, and RespoFTW ****************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this. I'm glad you guys enjoyed the Alexis/Ryan interaction because it was pretty fun to write. There will definitely be more on their friendship in future chapters.**  


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Beckett, Esposito, and Castle all listened intently to what the Captain was saying about the raid on the bar that would take place tomorrow. The day was finally here and everyone couldn't wait to take them down but none so much as Javier. Yes the gang unit had been working on this for years and this was pretty much their bust but narcotics also had a hand in everything and they had allowed Beckett, him, and reluctantly Castle to join them since they were the ones that found someone to talk. If this went down correctly this would be the entire 12th Precinct's bust.

After everyone was briefed and instructed to be there at seven am sharp Beckett and Castle walked to the elevator and Esposito almost joined them but was called back by Detective Banks. His hands curled into fists but he stayed calm and waited to hear what he was going to say.

"I've been working on this my entire career and I just want you to know that even though your _boyfriend_ signed the immunity deal I'm still going to bring him down. He's a rat bastard and he will pay for everything he did."

Esposito bit his tongue so hard it bled. "You do what you think you need to but the immunity deal covered everything. You can't touch him."

Banks shook his head, "He'll slip up again and when he does I will personally make sure he gets punished to the fullest extent of the law."

"What did he do that pissed you off so much?" he wondered aloud. "What made you beat him for absolutely no reason in his own home?" he finished bitterly.

Banks just shook his head and backed away, an uneasy feeling filling Esposito. When he got to the homicide floor Beckett grabbed him, "We've got a fresh one, come on."

"Another one?" he asked incredulously. "What about the double we're working now?"

With a weary sigh she grabbed her keys off her desk, "We think they're connected, and we think the vic is connected to Ryan."

A few hours later Esposito dialed his boyfriend's cell and stared dejectedly at the table while Castle and Beckett sat near by.

"_Javi! You've got to try these muffins Castle gave me. To die for. Well… bad choice of words but you get the drift."_

He couldn't help but smile a little before sobering. "Kev we need to talk to you about the case. I'm putting you on speaker bro." After pressing the speaker button he set down the phone and grabbed the file they had already began. "We had another body drop today and uh…"

"_What?" _he asked wearily.

"It was a woman Kev, found on the sidewalk in front of your apartment with writing across her chest. We think she was killed as a message to draw you out, to spook you so you'll slip up," he offered as professionally as he could.

"_What did it say?"_

Castle spoke up, "It said 'Shhh'. We think it's because of your moniker and because you spoke with us."

"_Who was the girl?"_

Esposito chewed on his lip a moment trying to draw it out, hating that he even had to relay this information.

"_Who was it Javi?"_ he asked quietly but firmly.

After a deep sigh he finally answered as he stared at a picture of a small blonde with a pixie cut. "Saoirse Dunne. I'm sorry bro."

It was so quiet that if not for the seconds ticking by on the screen they would have thought he hung up. Finally after two minutes and eighteen seconds, Castle counted, Ryan spoke again. _"How'd she die?"_

Beckett was the one that answered, "Her throat was slit."

A small strangled noise could barely be heard before in a miraculously even tone he stated, _"You know that wasn't just a threat for me right?"_

Beckett looked at Esposito wearily, "We're aware and are being just as cautious as we have been. If I can help it nothing is going to happen to either of you."

"There was a shoe print left at the scene and we're all thinking Conor right now. Do you know what size shoe he wears Kev?" Esposito asked.

"_Forty-seven,"_ he answered instantly.

When Esposito and Kate looked at each other Castle mouthed, "Thirteen."

"Are you sure?" Beckett asked.

"_I've been kicked by them enough to know what size,"_ he snapped. The line cut off abruptly and Esposito stared at the blank screen a moment until slipping his phone back in his pocket.

"Let's get this done so I can go home," he said firmly.

It was dark by the time he got home and after picking up some dinner he entered his apartment and called out for Ryan. Esposito glanced around and frowned when he didn't see his boyfriend anywhere and after a quick check in the bedroom and bathroom he realized he wasn't there. Digging out his phone he dialed and waited for him to answer impatiently. "Kev where are you?" he barked as soon as it connected.

"_I walked down to the store. I had to get the hell out of there. I'm fine, nothing is going to happen." _

"You don't know that," he argued. "You're public enemy number one right now. Where are you?" he asked angrily.

An irritated sigh sounded through the line, _"Almost to the corner mother. I'll be there in like two minutes. I'm not five. You need… to…"_

He frowned as Ryan's voice faded, "I need to what? Are you there?"

Heavy breathing met his ears, _"Oh fuck. How the hell… fuck! Oh shit."_

"Kevin what's wrong? I'm coming."

"_It's Conor. How the hell did he find me?"_

Esposito's heart was pounding as he grabbed his pistol and ran out of the apartment and down the stairs, ignoring the slow elevator. "Where are they? Kevin where the hell are you?"

"_Hang on,"_ he whispered. Gunshots filled the line followed by, _"Jesus Christ!"_

Javier's heart was in his throat as he ran out of the building and out onto the street where fresh snow had begun to fall, a thin layer coating the city streets. "Kevin, where the fuck are you?"

It was silent for a few seconds until an out of breath pant met his ears, _"Four blocks south. I… I think they're gone but…"_

"Just keep talking Kevin, I'm coming." He kept running and just as he got to the corner to turn Ryan came flying around the corner and collided with him. His hands shot out just in time to catch him and he quickly looked around. "Are they still here?"

"I think I lost them," he panted harshly. "How the hell did he find me?"

Esposito shook his head and began to herd Ryan towards the apartment, "I don't know but don't pull that shit again. I'm trying to protect you Kevin, the least you could do is listen to what I say."

Ryan rolled his eyes, "Yes sir, whatever you say."

Still running high on adrenalin he grabbed him and spun him around, "Knock off the cocky little shit attitude. You're petrified, you're still shaking."

"I'm shaking because he fucking shot me!" he screamed before turning storming away. He found himself being spun around again and cried out with Esposito's hand hit the wound.

"Would you just stop so I can check it?" he bit out angrily.

He jerked his arm away and hissed at the pain shooting up to his shoulder, "It's just a graze."

Esposito noticed the steady drip of blood from his sleeve onto the white snow and tried to calm himself and Ryan. "Kevin, may I please check the wound. It's bleeding pretty heavily." When he just glared and stepped away he lost it. "What the fuck is your problem? You think I don't know what you're doing? You're terrified Kev, you're running scared and your lashing out trying to hide it. You want to be a bitch fine but at least man up to being a bitch." As soon as the words left him he wished he could take them back. He didn't know why but Ryan seemed to bring out the worst in him sometimes.

Ryan's hands balled into fists and his eyes turned black with fury. Not wanting to maim his boyfriend he kept his fists clenched and walked back to the apartment. He stomped up the stairs in silence and directly into the apartment where he entered the bedroom but before he could slam the door Esposito grabbed it. "No, I'm not letting you lock yourself in here like you're five."

Fed up with being told what to do he pointed angrily at him, "Stop fucking telling me what to do! If I want to do something I will do fucking do it! I am so sick and tired of everyone bossing me around! Back off! I am not a fucking bitch!"

Esposito glared and squared his shoulders, glad that he was getting angry. He was rattled and needed to feel in control so he pushed and pushed and waited for him to take over to reestablish that he wasn't weak. Conor had a way of reducing him to a puddle of insecurities and Esposito knew he needed to help him reaffirm that he was a grown man and not a weak cowardly one at that. "Make me," he said in a hard tone.

He knew he outweighed him and was quite a bit stronger but he knew if he didn't give it his all it would only hurt Ryan's confidence more, he could only steady himself and hope Ryan could somehow overpower him.

Done with messing around Ryan threw a punch which was quickly deflected and as Esposito prepared for the next blow Ryan stuck out his leg and shoved the edge of his shoulder. A second later the detective was lying flat on his back with the wind knocked out of him staring at the ceiling and wondering how the hell he got taken down by his boyfriend. He had been fully prepared yet here he was on his back trying to breathe. When would he learn to stop underestimating the Irishman?

Ryan was suddenly on top of him wrestling his shirt over his head and biting painfully at his neck and shoulders before his tongue slid over the marks soothingly. His tongue traced it's way to his lips where he kissed him roughly before biting his lip hard enough that he tasted blood. He stayed quiet and mostly still giving him what he seemed to need before finally responding when Ryan palmed him through his jeans. "Kev I…"

"No talking," he barked.

Esposito wisely obeyed the demand and stood when Ryan pulled him up and backed him up to the bed. The rest of his clothes fell to the ground and he felt oddly vulnerable with Ryan standing there still fully clothed. The smaller of the two climbed back on top of him, his lips attaching to his skin as his hand wrapped snugly around his hardening length. He wriggled and gasped when a warm mouth wrapped around him, tongue swirling and driving him mad. It felt too good and fear that he was going to finish before they even began filled him. Just as he was going to warn him Ryan suddenly pulled back and pulled off his shirt, "Roll over."

His tone was still sharp, anger still littering his voice. The rest of Ryan's clothes joined his on the floor and after making sure Esposito was ready to go he climbed up behind him and positioned himself. He paused for a moment wondering if he should use a condom, just because he enjoyed bare backing didn't mean his boyfriend did. He didn't even need to voice the question out loud as Esposito just offered a nod and a moment later he slid in with a low moan.

Javier sucked in a sharp breath at the full sensation that spread through him, nerves firing as the line between pain and pleasure blurred. He was a versatile top but in all honesty it had been a while since he had trusted someone enough to top him. Resting on his knees with his head crammed into the bedding he usually felt exposed but with Ryan he knew he wouldn't be taken advantage of. Just as Ryan trusted him, he trusted Ryan.

The Irishman set a quick rhythm and reveled in the feeling of being so in control of another person, having another soul at his mercy. His pale hands slid over bronzed skin and he kissed his spine before nipping at the back of his neck. He wanted to mark him, scar him in a way that would let everyone else know he was taken but he held himself back from actually breaking any skin instead just making deep purple bruises along his broad shoulders.

Esposito's hands twisted in the sheets as he tried to keep his head to the side to get air and keep himself from moving forward into the headboard. He pushed back and met him thrust for thrust, halted and cracked gasps escaping his bruised and swollen lips. His shoulders and neck stung everywhere he was being bitten but instead of telling him to stop he only encouraged him. He hadn't had sex like this in years, hadn't let someone completely take over and do whatever they wanted. It was all so intense and he knew if Ryan would only touch him he would be reduced to a quivering mass. Heavy pants filled the room and he felt himself getting closer and closer as the deep ache that ran from his head to his toes began to pool in his stomach. The feeling of finger nails scrapping down his thighs made him tremble and when Ryan's hand firmly wrapped around him and pulled a little too hard he was done.

White light exploded behind his lids, a broken cry of, "_Kev"_ erupting from him as Ryan continued to fuck into him. Twisting his head to peer over his shoulder he watched as Kevin came unraveled, muscles tensing and lips parting led way to a drugged heavy lidded expression.

"Tell me you love me," he said quietly.

Esposito waited until Ryan moved away so he could roll over and pulled him down for a kiss. "I love you." After eating and getting ready for bed and finally cleaning and bandaging his arm the pair climbed under the covers and when Javier heard Ryan humming The Beatles softly he moved to wrap him in a snug embrace. "Don't be scared. Tomorrow it will all be over. Just relax, everything will be ok." When Ryan just continued to shakily hum he tried another approach to calm him, something that would take them completely off topic. "You want kids?"

It worked because Ryan instantly quieted before rolling over and facing him, their noses almost touching. "Are we talking in general or are you talking about us?"

"Us," he answered softly. "Kevin, when I think about the future, you're right there beside me. We might be black and blue and pissed but we'll be right there beside each other."

Ryan kissed him before pulling back to his original position and not answering but his small smile and thoughtful expression was more than enough.

Early the next morning Esposito blinked awake but stayed still as he relished the feeling of a warm body next to him. Not wanting to but knowing he couldn't waste more time he slid from under the covers and stretched as he peeked out the blinds. He turned to walk to the bathroom but paused when Ryan shifted and rolled onto his side in the bed. A smile spread across his face as he took in his lean frame, from his auburn hair to his milky skin that only disappeared under his dark blue boxers. The only things on his body that made Javier frown were the still fresh scar from the knife wound to his side and the fresh gauze on his arm where he had gotten grazed last night. Pushing away feelings of guilt for not protecting him from so much harm he walked to the shower and prepared for the raid.

His eyes widened at the bruises scattered over his torso and neck, how the hell was he supposed to hide these? Bite marks and deep bruises covered his shoulders, spine, and neck and just seeing them made him semi-hard. He wanted to just climb back into bed with Ryan but he had more important things to do. Once Conor was out of the picture they could finally be truly together, no more fear or baggage hanging off Ryan all the time. He had almost snuck out of the apartment when he turned to see Ryan standing in the middle of the room with a nervous expression dressed in just a pair of his pj pants looking tiny, vulnerable, and honestly a little pathetic. With a sigh he turned and walked back to him, "I thought you were sleeping."

"Don't go, please. I can't lose you."

Esposito pulled him into a hug and kissed the side of his head, "Don't worry I got this. Just try to relax and think about something else ok?"

Ryan shook his head, "I've got a bad feeling."

"Everything's ok but I have to go. I'll call you as soon as it's over." He kissed him one more time and pulled back, "I love you Kev."

Kevin held out a hand as he watched him leave. "I love you too Javi," he whispered to the empty room.

Ryan tried to stay in the apartment, he really did, but he was beginning to feel claustrophobic being stuck between these four walls as fear and doubts began to engulf him. He paced and looked out the window, took a shower and checked on his wound which wasn't looking too bad today. After a cup of coffee and another lap around the apartment he decided to get dressed and sat down for what felt like hours, in reality it was only ten minutes.

"I've got to get out of here," he mumbled to himself. He grabbed his balisong off the nightstand and stuffed it into his pocket before grabbing his keys and venturing out into the world.

It felt so good to be outside, the cool winter air entering his lungs as he sucked in deep breaths trying to calm himself. Javier would be fine, he was trained for this and he had Beckett to watch his back. But this was Conor they were talking about and Conor had a way of finding weaknesses and exploiting them. With a shake to his head to expel the thoughts he began to walk down the silent street and a block away he frowned when something caught his attention. It was more of a feeling than anything and before he could really think about it he was being knocked to the ground. His vision swam as pain exploded from the back of his head and the last thing he saw before giving into the darkness was Conor grinning down at him.


	18. None Of My Pain And Woe

**Huge thanks to RespoFTW, auntof3, Nadreth, and Sirona ****************for the reviews and to everyone else who favorited this.**

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Beckett and Esposito sat in the front seat of the blue Charger in silence, dressed in full tactical gear with weapons ready and loaded sitting between them while they drove to Conor's house. The Gang Unit was covering the bar with Narcotics which left Homicide and a few SWAT for Conor's home where, according to an informant, he was at this morning along with a few others from the crew. Castle for once was silent in the backseat realizing the magnitude of what was about to happen and the extreme danger they were walking in to. While no murders had ever been actually attached to Conor there were thirty-two that held him as the main person of interest, this was not someone you ever wanted to mess with. Beckett had only had to tell him once to stay in the back and to stay on high alert, he was well aware this was far different than their regular arrests.

The Charger slowed and pulled in behind two other police cars across from the SWAT van on the other side of the road and after Beckett put it in park everyone exited. After adjusting her vest she took the offered AR from Esposito and the pair waited with pounding hearts for the word to move forward. A senior officer from SWAT held up the picture for everyone to see and addressed the group. "This is out main target, Conor Boyle. We want him alive. As far as we know there are at least five other people in the house, all should be considered armed and dangerous. I want this quick and clean people, no mistakes. This is our one chance."

When everyone stayed quiet he dropped the picture and waved his hand, "Move out."

Esposito said a quick silent prayer before everyone burst into the home, guns raised and ready. Gun's went off, people fell, chaos reigned, but he moved through it allowing others to do their jobs while he did his. Nothing was going to stop him from getting to Conor, he would make sure that bastard paid for every little thing he ever did to Ryan. He moved room to room, officers breaking off to clear rooms or arrest people throughout the back and upstairs of the massive home. A small noise alerted him to a bedroom on the third floor and he quickly entered and was met with the sight of Conor looking around wildly with a .45 gripped tightly in his right hand.

"NYPD hands up!" he shouted as he leveled the barrel of his matte black AR-15 at his chest.

Conor's eyes locked on his and he shook his head, it was only then that Esposito realized he had a hostage kneeling next to him with a bag over his head and hands tied together. "I had hoped it would be you and I don't think so. You let me walk out of here or I paint the walls with his brains and we both know I'm very serious so don't jerk me around."

He continued pointing at him. "I can't do that Conor. No one else has to die here."

"But he does," he sneered before grabbing the bag and ripping it off the man's head. "He's always had to die."

Esposito's grip tightened on his gun when he realized it was Kevin, a black eye and bloody nose seemed to be all that was wrong but he looked dazed and confused. He wanted to run forward and grab him, wanted to scream in fear and frustration at this suddenly dire situation but he forced himself to remain calm. "How you doin' Kev?" he asked, his eyes never leaving Conor.

"J'vi?" he slurred. "What are…" he broke off and looked down at the carpet blearily.

"What'd you do to him?" he screamed at Conor who was grinning maniacally as he shoved the pistol barrel against his head, his left hand clenching the collar of Ryan's shirt to keep him in place.

"Heroin, it's a bitch the first time you use it. Confusion, nausea, delayed reactions, altered reality. There's no telling what's going on in the fucked up warped thing he calls a mind. Now put down your gun or I'll blow his brains out."

Esposito fought with himself but he had to comply, Ryan was too far gone to offer any assistance right now. He couldn't even get him to make eye contact. With slow movements he set down the gun and kicked it away, Conor instantly walking over and grabbing it before throwing down his pistol. "Smart choice. You know I have to ask, what do you see in him? He's so useless and small. Serves absolutely no purpose. He's just a sad waste of space."

He kept his mouth shut and just stared at Conor, all the while trying to watch Ryan out of his peripheral vision as he fell over and began to struggle with his hands tied behind his back.

"No answer? Is it pity? Yeah it's probably pity. Well you don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm going to put him out of his misery. Rat's deserve to die. Don't worry though, you won't have to watch because you'll already be dead. What do you think about that Quiet?" With a smile he turned to look at Ryan but froze when he found himself staring down the barrel of his own previously discarded weapon.

Ryan was standing, unsteadily and leaning heavily against the wall, but standing no less. He had somehow wormed his way out of the ties around his wrists and grabbed Conor's discarded pistol while he was talking. "Don't talk anymore Conor, I've heard all you've had to say too many times."

Esposito could see Ryan was fighting against the drugs racing through his system but it seemed to be a losing battle since his hands were shaking and his eyes kept looking like they couldn't focus. At least he seemed able to form thoughts and sentences so hopefully his mind was mostly clear.

Conor snorted, "Really Quiet, now you get a backbone? How about I just kill him, there's a small chance you'll take me out but I'll take him with me. No matter what you're still just a pathetic stray looking for a home. You're just a mangy dog that has no loyalties. You think this is the end? It'll never end. You want to shoot me fine, I'll see you on the other side you sorry prick."

"You really are stupid aren't ya? I know your da taught you better than this. Well maybe not since he was teaching me everything. Do you want me to let you in on a secret?"

Conor frowned as he stared at Ryan, "What?"

"You're awful, at everything. You're a fucking disappointment to everyone around you. Why do you think Ed waited so long to give you your first hit, you were what? Twenty-four? He gave me my first when I was fifteen." Ryan laughed bitterly, "Plus Gorgeous and Handsome had to go with you because he knew how much of a screw up you are. He knew if he sent me it'd get done fast and clean but you needed the practice so he retired me and started sending you. You seriously thought you were just that good? That he was waiting for something worthy of your talents? It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic."

Conor aimed the gun at Esposito's head as his hand started to shake. "You're lying."

Ryan swayed a little and swallowed thickly against the rising feeling of bile in his throat as he noticed Beckett and Castle quietly enter the room behind Conor. "You're stupid but not that stupid. Remember when all you wanted was to watch tv? Ed was giving me shooting lessons; I've known how to shoot since I was eight. You want to know who killed all your friends, all your buddies who thought it'd be cute to cut away from Ed? Me."

"Enough talking!" Conor screamed. "I'm going to murder him just like Jenny."

Ryan gritted his teeth and the gun began to shake violently in his grip. "You don't get to say her name!" he screamed before chastising himself when Conor grinned at his outburst. "You were five when your parents got a divorce weren't you?"

Thrown off balance by the question Conor just stood with a confused expression.

"You were so upset when your mom took your sister and left, after all you two were inseparable before that. They ran away from you and your da, the mob. Changed their names and actually got away from this Godforsaken place. Your mother changed her name to Sarah and stayed away but your sister… She had to see you and your da even though it could ruin everything she had worked for. She was right under your nose and you never even realized it. Do you know what she changed her name to?"

Esposito, Castle, and Beckett's eyes widened as it clicked, Beckett knowing it was going to hit the fan the second the name left his mouth.

The answer was whispered but was so loud in the room it could have been yelled.

"Jenny."

Conor was frozen as emotions raced past his face, the realization at what he had done finally hitting him. He screamed and charged a wide-eyed Ryan as he threw down the gun, blind fury blocking out everyone else in the room. Beckett lifted her gun and tried to take the shot but the risk of hitting Ryan was too great and when she realized where they were headed it was too late anyway.

"No!" Esposito screamed as Conor hit Ryan, both men smashing through the large glass picture window before disappearing from view. He could hear glass smashing and shattering against the concrete patio three stories down and a sick broken thud met his ears as he moved across the room. This couldn't be happening, this was all just a terrible nightmare that he needed to wake up from. There was no way he just watched his boyfriend die, no way he was going to look outside and see his body smashed against the patio surrounded by a growing puddle of crimson.

When he reached the edge he looked over not knowing what he might find but knowing he had to see. When he only saw Conor laying on the concrete in a broken position coughing up blood he frantically looked around wondering what the hell happened. "Kevin?"

"Javi," a small voice answered from close by and he looked farther over the edge of the window.

He couldn't but laugh slightly hysterically in relief at the sight of Ryan dangling precariously from a decorative iron railing about three feet down. Upon closer inspection it seemed his foot had gotten lodged in between the bars by some miracle. He pulled back and looked at Castle, "We need a rope or something."

Castle ran from the room and Esposito stared helplessly at his dangling boyfriend. "We'll get you up in just a second, just try to stay still."

"It hurts and I think I'm going to be sick," he groaned.

Esposito leaned a little further out and saw his ankle was twisted a little, it had to be uncomfortable but if he moved he ran the risk of dislodging it and falling. "I'm going to get you free in just a sec, just don't move." He turned when he heard heavy footsteps and Castle came running in with a long rope and a member of the SWAT team a second later. The man quickly attached the rope to his harness and after Esposito, Castle, and Beckett grabbed the other end they slowly lowered him over the ledge.

The man quickly took in the situation and after grabbing on tightly to Ryan tried to wrestle his foot out unsuccessfully. Ryan was exhausted and what little energy he had left him after they struggled for over five minutes. "What's your name?" the man asked as he tried to keep him alert.

"Ryan."

"Ryan this isn't working. I need you to try to roll your ankle a bit alright?" the man requested.

Ryan was getting lightheaded from all the blood rushing to his head and stared upside down at Conor's unmoving body and the EMT's bustling below them. "I'll fall."

"I won't let you. Rotate it to the left."

Forcing his foot to move he bit back a cry when his bones felt ready to snap and a second later he slipped free and dropped. The man thankfully had a hold of him and after the line jerked a bit he shouted for the occupants of the room to lift. As soon as they were to the window sill the man shoved Ryan inside before climbing in himself. "Are we good? Is there anyone else?"

Beckett shook her head and thanked the man before he gathered up the rope and left the room.

Esposito helped Ryan to a sitting position and patted his shoulder, "You ok?"

He just slammed his eyes shut and sucked in deep breaths through his nose. He felt out of control, like his mind was trying to take off without him and the feeling was more than a little unpleasant. His ankle was throbbing and any adrenaline he had was completely gone.

"How're you feeling Kev? Do you have any idea how much he gave you?" Javier asked quietly as he looked him over and unlaced his boot to check his ankle. Other than a small about of swelling and an already forming bruise it didn't look sprained or broken.

Ryan was trembling, "Like I'm going to be sick. Like none of this is really happening and I have no idea. Not enough for an overdose I think. It's been a while since he gave it to me, I'd be dead if he gave me too much."

"How did Conor get you?" he asked curiously.

"I was stupid and left the apartment. He got me and brought me here and injected me with God knows how much heroine," he answered tiredly.

Javier shook his head sadly, "You'll make it through this just fine, I'm right here with you."

"Conor?" he asked quietly.

Beckett, who had just approached, spoke into her radio and stared down at the back patio from the window before walking over and kneeling down in front of Ryan. "He's alive. He's got at least a broken arm and leg and internal bleeding but there's a good chance he'll make it. I'm glad you're alright Ryan."

Ryan just nodded and stared blankly at the wall, his mind not able to fully grasp that the nightmare was over, that the man that had taken everything from him and tormented him for most of his adult life was finally gone. "Come on bro," Esposito said gently and after being helped up he followed the detective out to the car before they climbed in and began their drive back to the precinct. Beckett had sent them ahead, telling Esposito she was going to use one of the other officer's cars since she was staying a little longer.

Esposito glanced over at his passenger who was sitting quietly with a slight frown obviously trying to comprehend everything that had just happened as the light breeze from the open window whipped across his face. One of his hands moved away from the steering wheel and grabbed Ryan's, their fingers intertwining automatically. "You know everything Conor said isn't true right?"

Ryan turned sluggishly and let his eyes slide closed, "It holds some truth. I am useless and small and serve absolutely no purpose." When Esposito opened his mouth to argue he shook his head, "Just leave it. Please."

They descended into silence again and Esposito braked to stop at a red light. His eyes strayed over to a man leaning against the side of a building and he frowned as he tried to place the seemingly familiar face. When recognition hit him his eyes widened and he looked at his boyfriend. "Kevin!"

Ryan startled at his shout and opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when two strong arms suddenly reached through his open window and began to drag him out of the Charger. "Javi!" He fought as hard as he could against his captor while Javier pulled on his legs trying to keep him in the car. It was a losing battle as Ryan was finally pulled free by no other than Handsome Bob. Esposito jumped out of the car and began to run over but halted and was forced to hide behind the car when shots rang out. He couldn't see anything; he had no idea if Ryan was still even alive. A sharp cry filled the air and Esposito began to shake from fear and adrenaline at the sound of the man he loved in pain. It was silent for a few seconds before a single shot rang out shattering the tense atmosphere.


	19. Can Show Through

**Huge thanks to Alsa Ravenwood, RespoFTW, red2013, auntof3, and Sirona ****************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this. Decided to post this early so you guys didn't have to suffer too much with the cliffie. ;)****  
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_It was silent for a few seconds before a single shot rang out shattering the tense atmosphere._

The radio in Esposito's car crackled to life and he quickly reached inside and tugged it out to the side. "Beckett I need backup now! Shots fired. They have Kevin."

He sat for another minute until he realized how eerily quiet it was. Everyone that had been near them had scattered as soon as the first shot was fired and now only the faint noises of the city surrounded him. "Kevin?" he ventured. When no one answered he took a chance and peered over the car, relief flooding him at the sight of Ryan standing on the pavement upright and alive. Keeping his gun out he moved around the car cautiously towards his boyfriend who looked over at him with confused and scared eyes, a gash on his cheek slowly beginning to bleed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't... and they... but..." he rambled.

Esposito's eyes fell upon the reason for his incoherent words and he grimaced at the sight of Handsome Bob lying on the pavement bleeding profusely from a wound on his neck, Ryan's balisong sticking out of his jugular. A few feet away Gorgeous George lay motionless, a single gunshot wound through his forehead, as blood slowly surrounded him and flowed into the gutter.

"Javi I didn't mean to. They just... they were going to kill me. And you."

Esposito could only nod as he looked at the two bodies before looking up at his boyfriend, the one that had violently murdered them. To hear him recount kills was one thing but to see it was something else entirely. "Kev, you..."

Police cars suddenly screeched to a halt around them and began to scream at Ryan to drop the gun. He hadn't even realized he was still holding it and he quickly dropped the object before being knocked down, handcuffed, and manhandled into the back of a police car. Esposito tried to stop them but he knew what it looked like and ran over to Beckett for assistance as soon as she and Castle pulled up. After quickly giving her a rundown of what happened to the best of his knowledge he asked her to tell them to let Kevin go. "He's a mess Beckett, he's in shock about what happened. I _need_ to get to him."

She nodded and her, Castle, and Esposito walked over to speak with the Lieutenant in charge and after a few stern words from Beckett they let Ryan out of the car and undid his handcuffs. Concern covered all their faces when he just stood there staring off into space with unfocused eyes. Esposito approached slowly and pulled him close but he still didn't respond.

"I know this is a terrible time but we need to get a statement now if we want a chance of Ryan not getting charged with two counts of murder. We need to prove it was self-defense."

Esposito nodded, knowing she was right, and led Kevin to her car where they climbed into the backseat and sat quietly. It was halfway to the station when Ryan finally popped out of his catatonic state and grabbed Javier tightly by the shirt, staring at him with wild eyes as he jerked him back and forth.

"It's not my fault. You can't leave me. I can't go to prison. I won't. I'll run, you'll never catch me."

Esposito grabbed his hands and glanced in the front seat where Beckett was trying and failing to give them privacy while Castle stared at them unabashedly. "Woah, calm down. You weren't talking then just freaked out. It's all that heroine, just try to take a deep breath."

Beckett's eyes flew to the rearview mirror. "He's on heroine?" she snapped.

"Conor gave it to him to keep him complaint. He's doing all right with it, or was at least."

Castle glanced at Beckett; "You have to keep that out of the report, if they find out Ryan was high at the time they could get him for murder. It'll cast doubt over the entire raid and his statement." Beckett only sighed heavily and offered a small nod knowing he was right.

"Calmly explain what has you spooked. I know you didn't mean to kill them," Esposito said quietly to Ryan.

"Yes I did," he answered quickly with a slight twitch.

Unable to help himself Castle whipped around, "You wanted to kill them? You don't feel guilty do you?"

He glanced around and began to back up towards the door looking like a caged animal. "I'm not a monster. I'm just…" He broke off as his chest began to heave and his hands grabbed the seat tightly.

Esposito needed to get him calmed down before he had a full blown panic attack which who knows how bad it would be with all the drugs. He reached over and used his strength to his advantage as he tugged Ryan away from the door and into his arms where he hugged him close trying to keep him from hyperventilating. "I love you. I love you, everything's ok. I love you."

Minutes ticked by until Ryan finally sagged into his arms and leaned into his hand when it ran over his hair. "Now calmly talk to me."

Ryan felt exhausted, everything finally hitting him. "They were going to kill me, I had to kill them and I don't even feel guilty. Don't leave me Javi, please."

"Why would I leave you?" he asked quietly.

"Because I'm a monster, I just keep murdering people. Because you're a good person and I'm not," he answered shakily. "I can't lose you, I can't lose anyone else."

Javier kissed the top of his head and laid his cheek on his soft spiked hair, "You won't and you're not going to prison. They were going to kill you Kev, there's no doubt of that. You did what you had to."

When they arrived at the station they entered the elevator and rode to homicide before Esposito took Ryan to the bathroom to try to get him focused. He locked the door behind them and after Ryan washed his hands he wet a paper towel with cold water and gently ran it over his flushed face and neck, mindful of the small gash on his cheekbone. His skin felt hot under his hands and Ryan pulse point was pounding rapidly. "This is almost over Kev, after this we can go home. You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you."

Ryan only nodded and a few minutes later followed Esposito into a side office and sat down with Beckett and Castle to recount what had happened. Esposito knew most of it but listened intently to the part after he had to duck down.

"After Handsome grabbed me out he shot at the car and gave me a chance to grab my knife. I didn't hesitate, just stuck him. I knew Gorgeous was there too so I grabbed the gun before Handsome dropped, found him and took the shot."

Beckett nodded as she scribbled furiously, "What about your face?"

Ryan had almost forgotten about it in all the excitement. "Handsome pistol whipped me when he finally drug me out of the car to keep me from running. About knocked me out but I've got a pretty hard head."

Beckett took pictures of the gash on Ryan's cheek and finally gave them the ok to go home but Ryan didn't move. "How'd it go at the bar? Did anybody not make it?"

Beckett pursed her lips and glanced at Esposito before shaking her head. "All the officers are fine except for one who was shot through the shoulder but he'll make a full recovery. Three people died from your crew during the raid."

"Who?"

She flipped through a few papers before finding what she was looking for and reading off the names. Ryan just nodded before walking out of the room with Esposito in tow. They were almost to the car when he suddenly turned and faced his boyfriend; "I'm just going to walk to your place ok? I'll meet you there."

Esposito shook his head, "No. I don't want you to be alone right now. Not only are you flying high but you've been through a lot today. We can drive or I'll just walk with you."

A defiant spark shown in his eyes as he angrily shook his head, "I'm walking alone." He turned to try to leave but Esposito grabbed his arm to halt his progress. Without thinking he spun and slammed a palm into the detective's nose and as soon as he was released he fell into a sprint.

Esposito watched him bolt and tried to keep up, "Kevin! Wait!" He chased him all the way down the block but he couldn't catch him and when he turned the corner he was gone. "Fuck!" he cursed before grabbing his phone and calling Beckett. "I need a trace on Kevin's phone, he just took off. He's falling fast and I don't want him to be alone when he finally hits bottom."

When she called back and read off the address he ran to his car and quickly drove to the bar where the raid had happened only that morning. After pulling up he cut through the tape that was still across the door, Ryan must have found another way in, and entered slowly. He found him playing the piano at the far end of the bar, a haunting tune that only added to the sad state of the bar. He walked across broken glass, bullet casings, and blood stains on the old hardwood as he made his way forward. Glass crunched under his feet, puddles of alcohol from shattered bottles of liquor splashed under his shoes, and sunlight filtered through the broken stained glass windows.

When he finally got to the piano he felt his heart break at the sight of Ryan playing with silent tears falling in quick succession. His hands skimmed across the blood stained keys, a half full glass of liquor filled from a broken bottle sitting next to it rested on the top. Esposito dropped down onto the bench next to him and allowed him to keep playing, even as a choked sob burst from his lips. "This piano," he said softly, his voice cracking with emotion. "Has been here since the bar opened. A piece of history, and now it will never be played again. It will sit here in the dark, alone and broken, until it begins to decay. No one will ever hear it's music because it was silenced today. By me."

More tears began to fall and when Esposito touched him he jerked away and walked to the middle of the bar where he just stood and waved his arms around. "What did I do Javi?" he asked fearfully as he just looked at all the destruction around him. "I grew up in here, this was my home. These people were my family and I betrayed them." He threw his hands up, "Look at it, it's destroyed. Everything is destroyed. God, is this what I wanted?"

Esposito took a hesitant step forward after standing; "You don't have to live in fear anymore. You brought justice to so many people Kevin."

"I don't care!" he screamed hysterically. "I don't give a fuck about them! I should have never talked to you. Why the fuck did you have to pick this bar? This is your fault!"

"Kevin calm down please. I don't want you to hurt yourself," he pleaded as he took a few more steps forward. "You've got a lot of heroine in your system bro, I need you to try to stay calm."

Ryan produced a pistol out of his jacket and pointed it at him shakily, "Stop! Don't come any closer. They killed Two-Step Javi. He wasn't even supposed to be here! He was my only friend, the only one that stuck by me and now he's dead because of me! I killed them all Javi, I killed the bar, all of it. Oh God. Oh God."

Esposito's heart hammered in his chest as Ryan became more and more hysterical. "Kevin, no!" he shouted when his boyfriend turned the gun on himself. He knew at some point Ryan was going to crack from the seemingly constant emotional and physical blows but he didn't think it would resort to _this_. The human mind could only handle so much and Ryan's life had been ripped away from him so violently and so quickly that all he could do was fall apart. The seams had begun to fall apart as soon as he had been attacked the first time and today had been the final pull that unraveled everything.

"I deserve it. I deserve to die," he cried as he dug the muzzle into his temple. "Everything I've ever known is gone. I don't have anything left."

He held up his hands in a placating gesture, "You have me. Please Kevin, please don't do this. I love you so much, please don't do this."

Ryan shook his head and took one more look around the bar, "I met Jenny in this bar, Ed gave me my balisong in this bar, Two-Step taught me the piano in this bar and I destroyed it. You don't want me Javi, all I bring is death and destruction. I'm doing you and everyone a favor, I should have done this years ago."

"Come on Kev. Jenny wouldn't want this, I don't want this. What about Alexis, and Castle, and Beckett and everyone that cares about you? You have people here who care."

He was beginning to shake so badly that the only thing holding the gun steady was the barrel attached to his head. "You shouldn't!" he screamed as tears began to break free from his eyes and cascade down his reddened cheeks. "I'm not supposed to be happy, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have people care. I deserve for bad things to happen. I deserve to die."

Javier bit his lip, "You know that's not true. Please just put that down and let's talk."

"I can still hear him, can still hear Conor. I have to do what he says or he'll hurt me Javi. He wants me to do this," he said in sad acceptance.

This was so much worse than he realized. "Kevin, listen to me. It's the drugs, they're making you hear things that aren't there. He's not here Kevin and he can't hurt you anymore. I don't know what you're going through but we can get through it together."

"No one knows what it's like!" he shouted before sucking in a deep breath and speaking softly. "No one will ever know."

Seconds ticked by and Esposito could only watch as his boyfriend just stood brokenly staring at him, tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry," Ryan finally whispered.

Esposito screamed as Ryan's finger tightened around the trigger, his feet moving but he already knew he wouldn't make it in time.

Then for the second time that day, a miracle happened.

Beckett had known better than to send Esposito off on his own after everything that happened and arrived just in time to knock the gun from Ryan's hand before he could fully pull the trigger. Castle ran forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Ryan from behind as he kicked and struggled to get away, finally giving up and just sagging as he sobbed. "It's all gone. Everything's gone," he choked. "It's like the last twenty-seven years of my life never happened."

Esposito approached and Castle gently relaxed his grip, only releasing Ryan when he was sure Javier had a hold on him. Beckett and Castle met each other's eyes as Javier just held Ryan, both shaking for different reasons. There had been too many close calls today, too many brushes with death and Esposito just hugged the broken man tightly as he tried to reassure himself that he was still here. Ryan was all consuming and in the short time they had been together he had wormed his way past all Javier's defenses and integrated so deeply into every aspect of his life that even the thought of him not being there was enough to almost bring him to his knees.

With Castle's help they got the still hysterical Irishman into the passenger seat of Esposito's car and after making sure there was nothing inside that he could hurt himself with he closed the door and looked at Beckett, "I'm going to take some personal days."

She nodded and grabbed his shoulder, "If you need anything just call."

"Yeah," he said quietly before staring at the two reasons his boyfriend was even still alive. "Kate, Castle I..."

Castle clapped him on the shoulder and nodded, "We know."


	20. To Be Mistreated, To Be Defeated

**Huge thanks to RespoFTW, Alsa Ravenwood, and red2013 ****************for the reviews. Getting close to the end, only a couple chapters left.**  


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It was a long week for everyone but it felt like an eternity for Esposito who was trying desperately to fulfill his responsibilities at the precinct while still keeping an eye on his distraught and suicidal boyfriend who, for the first three days, was dealing with coming down off of a terrible heroine high. Those three days had been brutal and Esposito could only grimace and watch helplessly as Ryan suffered. When he wasn't refusing to eat or drink he was suffering from insomnia and extreme nausea to the point the detective was worried about slipped ribs, then on top of all the physical issues were the mental ones. More than once he had found him fully clothed just sitting in the bathtub under the shower's warm spray just staring at the wall with a lost expression. He could blame it on the drugs the first few days but now it was beginning to scare him and he wondered if Ryan was in the midst of a full psychotic break. It's not like he could blame him if he was but if things were this bad now how was he going to handle them if they got worse? He was ashamed to admit that the thought of just getting Ryan away from him and giving someone else the responsibility had entered his mind more than once but he could never leave him, especially now. The days were getting overwhelming with Ryan refusing to speak most of the time and just staring out the window with a small furrow to his brow. The breaking point finally came six days later and he at least began to function normally but he was still severely depressed and only spoke when he absolutely felt like it, which unfortunately wasn't that often.

It was late Thursday afternoon and Esposito was doing push ups in the living room to try to keep his head clear when someone knocked on the door. He jumped up and walked over and after looking through the peephole he grabbed the handle and swung it open.

Beckett and Castle entered the apartment quietly after Esposito placed his finger to his lips and moved out of the way. "He's sleeping."

"How's he doing?" Castle asked.

"Better. He's still upset, hardly eating but he's not off the reservation suicidal anymore."

Beckett nodded, "That's good. We spent so much time thinking about the raid we didn't think about how Ryan was going to take it after the dust settled. I feel terrible for everything he had to endure, we should have been paying more attention."

Esposito shrugged, "Too late to change it now."

Castle's eyebrows rose slightly as he nudged Beckett and smiled over Esposito's shoulder, "Hey Ryan." He had to take Esposito's word on him doing better because he looked terrible right now. His hair was flat to his head and he had dark circles under his eyes, he was extremely pale and while no one but Esposito knew what he normally looked like with his shirt off he looked scarily thin and frail. He seemed shaky as he moved towards the couch and bruises still littered his back and wrists from Conor.

The shirtless man fixed them all with flat looks before he just walked to the couch and after grabbing a blanket collapsed into a small heap with it over his head like a little Strega Nona. Castle walked over and sat next to him leaving a respectable distance between them. Esposito had informed them of how much he didn't want to be touched lately. "How're you feeling today?"

Ryan eyed him carefully before dropping his gaze to the floor. "Exactly like I look."

Castle had nothing to say to that so he moved onto something else, "Alexis is worried about you. She was hoping you could go visit her soon, I told her you made it through everything but she wanted to see for herself."

That got a little bit of a reaction as he finally met his eyes and dropped the blanket from over the top of his head, "I'll call her."

Beckett approached and when his eyes snapped to her wearily she aborted her path to his other side, since it would most likely make him feel trapped, and instead sat down next to Castle. "The Captain and DA went over all the evidence and no charges will be filed against you. It was definitely self-defense."

He just nodded and leaned back.

She sighed softly and glanced at Esposito who was just staring at his boyfriend sadly. Castle cleared his throat and grabbed something out of his jacket and held it up for Ryan to see. "My publisher gave me a copy of my latest book to read over before it gets released in a couple month. I thought maybe you'd want to read it, maybe give me some feedback."

A small spark of curiosity appeared in his baby blues as he eyed the book and after one more quick glance to Castle's face his hand creeped out from under the blanket and grasped it. "I… yeah. I would like to read it. Thanks."

The tension in the room faded a little and Esposito gave Castle a thankful smile before Beckett stood. "Well we better get back to the precinct. It was good to see you Ryan," she offered genuinely.

He glanced up, finally looking at her fully. "You too."

After they left Ryan stared at Esposito who walked over and sat down on the other side of the couch. When Ryan set down the book and shifted slightly Esposito took the hint and moved over before gathering him and the blanket and hugging the ball of material and man snugly. This was the first time Ryan had really allowed contact since the raid and both sat comfortably for quite a while."Totally inappropriate but you look pretty damn sexy with your stubble," Esposito finally said with a unsure grin.

And for the first time since everything happened Ryan smiled.

A couple days later everyone sat lazily around Castle's living room talking except Ryan who was seated by the window just staring outside. He was finally starting to recover from his extreme life change and had even agreed to accompany Esposito to Castle's for dinner but he still wasn't like he used to be. Instead of mischief and warmth he radiated fear and uncertainty. The group all sat around except for Castle who had stepped out a while ago and had yet to return.

Alexis looked over at Ryan's back and walked over before dropping down onto the floor by his feet and laying her head on his leg. His hand automatically went to her hair and she smiled softly as he played with the long strands. "You know you can talk to me when you're ready right?"

"Yeah."

Her arm wrapped around his right calf and the pair sat in a comfortable silence as they stared out at the night sky over the apartment building across the street. "Have you ever gone camping? You can really see the stars when you get away from the city."

"Never."

"I'll take you this summer. I'll finally be able to drive, speaking of can you drive?"

He was so focused on the sky and the feel of her silky hair that he didn't even notice she was drawing him into a conversation and distracting him from his dark thoughts. "I'm twenty-seven, yes I can drive. I just choose not to."

"Sassy," Alexis teased. "Why do you choose not to?"

"Because I hate trying to park, I rode a bike for a while which wasn't too bad."

Knowing what he meant but feigning ignorance she looked up at him and frowned, "I can't picture you on a bicycle."

He knew that she was joking and allowed a tiny smile. "Really? It was purple with flowers and the basket on the front."

The writer suddenly entered the apartment with a large box and Esposito met his eyes and grinned when he nodded happily. "Hey Kev." Both he and Alexis turned but while the red head immediately walked back to the couch he just stayed seated.

Beckett smiled excitedly as Castle set the box down on the coffee table and Esposito went over and dragged Ryan over to the couch with all of them. "We all know that you're feeling pretty down right now so we got you something to try to help you through everything. It's from all of us."

He just stared at the floor until Esposito slid the box onto his lap forcing his attention to it. With a heavy sigh he slipped off the top just wanting them to leave him alone and froze at the sight of a small animal staring up at him curiously.

Alexis smiled hesitantly and peeked over his shoulder at it, "It's a French Bulldog puppy. He's yours."

Ryan stared down at the small tan puppy and even though he tried to fight it he still had to smile at the small animal struggling to get out of the box. He picked it up and held it close, his smile only growing. "What's his name?"

"Up to you bro," Esposito said.

He stared down at the puppy who was attempting to burrow under his shirt and held him up to peer at his face. "Keller."

Castle's brows pulled together in thought. "Sorry but with your accent it's hard to tell, did you say Killer or Keller?"

His lips twitched into a full smile, "The second one, it means little companion."

"What does Kevin mean?" Alexis asked curiously.

Esposito was the one who answered, a small smile on his lips. "Handsome, gentle, and lovable."

Castle nodded slowly, "Oh, so the names are meant to be ironic."

"I don't know," Ryan teased with a grin. "Richard seems to fit you pretty well."

Seeing a glimpse of the old Ryan stunned everyone into silence until Castle began to laugh, Beckett and Esposito joining him a second later. Not wanting to overwhelm him everyone drifted away leaving Ryan, Esposito, and Keller alone on the couch. "I've always wanted a dog," he said quietly.

"Well now you have one. Castle picked him out, said he was the smallest of the litter," Javier explained. "I guess they didn't think he was going to make it since he was so small but he pulled through. He's a survivor."

Ryan played with his massive ears and grinned when Keller bit his finger with his sharp puppy teeth, "Most of us little guys are. Thank you."

"You're welcome and like I said he's from all of us. Alexis figured out which breed would be best for you and the size of the apartment, Beckett and I paid for him, and Castle picked him out and picked him up. Can I hold him?" Ryan nodded and handed him the puppy who immediately whined and fought against him to get back to Ryan. "He's going to be one of _those _dogs isn't he?"

A smile that lit up Ryan's entire face blossomed and he nodded before taking Keller back. "Yep, and guess where's he's sleeping?"

"Kev, no. That dog is not sleeping in our bed." Twin puppy dog expressions made him groan, "I don't stand a chance with you two. Fine."

Over the course of the next two months Ryan really started to come into himself, which was new and exciting for not only him but for those around him. His confidence grew and he began to really explore who he was as a person, something he had been unable to do at the bar. Keller became his best friend and went everywhere with him. Ryan was excellent at bullshitting people and found that if he pushed just enough he could bring Keller places he wasn't supposed to be, like the precinct and into stores. Because the dog was so small Ryan often just zipped up his jacket and stuck him inside before sneaking past people, like the desk clerk downstairs at the precinct. Esposito would never forget Ryan showing up at the precinct one day grinning at him and a small tan head with huge ears popping out of his half zipped jacket. Speaking of the precinct Ryan had become the unofficial homicide mascot somehow and he not only became fast friends with most of the people on the floor but also Lanie downstairs in the morgue. Esposito had been correct in the fact she would like him and more times than not when Ryan went missing they found him downstairs talking to Lanie and watching intently as she performed autopsies. Even the Captain enjoyed Ryan's company, he had the insane ability to be exactly what people needed whether it be a shoulder to cry on or a backboard for ideas. Or in the case of the Captain, a fountain of information about unsavory people and the inner workings of a criminal mind.

The true turning point in Ryan's life came at the end of the second month.

Castle, Beckett, and Esposito entered the writer's large apartment and Castle felt a smile creep up on his face when he looked around his living room. All the furniture had been turned on its side and stacked against the staircase and Martha and Alexis were on the stairs holding fencing swords and singing as Ryan laid on a mattress on the floor beneath them with his hands behind his head and a 19th century French Lieutenant's hat on.

"Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?"

Alexis had on a blonde wig and Martha was in full dress as they sang, oblivious to the three new occupants in the room. Esposito smiled at how relaxed and happy Ryan looked, his eyes half closed and a small grin on his face. He had come so far in such a short period of time, from the cocky yet fearful mob child to the outgoing and relaxed man before him now. His eyes drifted to Alexis who was leaning over and looking down at the Irishman. No one had expected any sort of relationship between them but they had become fast friends, Ryan needing someone to latch onto other than just him and Alexis feeling protective of the man she was eye level with. When cases ran late or overnight Ryan always stayed at the Castles', him and Alexis and sometimes Martha always seeming to cook up crazy adventures. It turned out Ryan was even more excitable and strange than Castle, the boy he never got to be showing up more and more everyday to everyone's delight.

"What is all this?" Castle asked with a laugh as he entered the kitchen where Keller was passed out on the rug in front of the sink.

Alexis smiled brightly as Ryan waved and flashed his familiar grin, "Gram's trying out for Les Miserables so we decided to reenact it to help her."

Esposito shrugged off his jacket and laughed, "You drunk again Ryan?"

"A little buzzed but that's Martha's fault."

Alexis bounded down the stairs and over to her dad as Ryan casually removed the hat and stood from the mattress to walk over. "Dad, this was the greatest day ever. We enacted the entire play. Gram's going to get the part for sure."

Martha nodded, "Thank you dear and I must say Kevin did a splendid job as Inspector Javert. The death scene nearly brought a tear to my eye."

Alexis nodded, "He even fell off the top of the stairs, hence your mattress being down here."

Castle couldn't stop smiling, "Sounds like quite the production."

Ryan nodded seriously, "Oh it was, nothing with these two is halfway."

"Welcome to my world," Castle smirked as he set a bottle of alcohol down on the counter.

Ryan eyed it for a moment before running over and grabbing it gently, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph is this an 1875 Saint Miriam Rock of Scotland?"

Castle nodded, "Oh yeah."

Ryan couldn't stop smiling as he eyed it, "Where'd you even find this? I thought they were all destroyed."

"Our last case," Esposito answered as he approached him and kissed the side of his head. "Did you talk to your parole officer today?"

Ryan nodded distractedly as he continued to inspect the bottle. "This morning." Their relationship for once was finally running smoothly, no arguments or fist fights and even though they had been living together a while Esposito had finally officially asked him to move in. The answer had been obvious.

Castle looked at the bottle before looking back at Ryan, "Ever heard of The Old Haunt?" Ryan nodded and Castle's grin grew. "I just bought it."

"Good for you, it's a good investment. No matter how poor people are they always have money for alcohol," Ryan said. "Plus the history of that place is amazing."

"Only problem is I now own a bar with no bartender, do you happen to know a bartender without a bar?" Ryan didn't move or speak for fear he was misunderstanding the extremely generous offer. Castle clapped him on the shoulder, "I was thinking I could use a partner, someone to keep it running, keep an eye on it since I'm busy with books and research."

"Partner?" Ryan asked quietly. Castle nodded and watched as a hundred things passed over his face before he let out a slightly hysterical laugh. "Yeah I think I know a guy."

Esposito grabbed him from the side and shook him excitedly, Keller jumping up and barking at the excitement. The dark skinned detective picked up the larger but still small puppy when he ran over and hugged him. Even though he'd never admit it he loved that dog almost as much as Kevin.

Beckett stepped forward and shook her head after looking at all the furniture stacked up, "Too bad we missed the play, I always loved Les Mis."

Alexis looked at Ryan who after a soft sigh grabbed the hat and stuck it back on, she clapped excitedly and adjusted her wig before looking at everyone else. "Dad you'll be Jean Valjean, Kate you can be Fantine, I'm Cosette, Kevin is Javert, Gram is Madame Thénardier and Esposito…"

"Is sitting this one out," he finished with a smile as he sat down with Keller and rubbed his hand over his soft fur.

Castle pointed at Ryan who was already standing at the top of the stairs with his hat, sword, and a smug smile. "Why's he get to be Javert?"

"Because I am an amazing antagonist," he replied smoothly as he took a drink from his flask.

Martha piped in, "He really is. Plus he took drama in high school."

Alexis looked at Ryan and pointed to the flask, "Put that away or you won't be able to sing your lines."

He took one more gulp before slipping it back in his pocket, "On the contrary my singing gets much better with alcohol, maybe not to you but to me I sound great."


	21. No One Knows How To Say

**Huge thanks to auntof3, red2013, RespoFTW, Sirona, Nadreth, and sharkbaitz17 ************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this****************. You guys totally make my day!**  


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Ryan started immediately at the bar thankful he now had a purpose again. Castle was gracious enough to put him on a salary to start and had informed him they would figure out the logistics of ownership once he was comfortably settled. Esposito wasn't too happy that Ryan would be gone from the apartment so much but he knew he needed to be out in the world and at least he could go hang out with him after work. Speaking of work Esposito had had an uncomfortable and surprising conversation with the precinct psychologist earlier today.

_It was just after lunch when Dr. Perot entered the break room casually and fixed himself a cappuccino. "Detective Esposito, if you're not too busy could you come to my office for a moment?" Curious, he simply nodded and followed him down a floor and into his office. "You're probably wondering what this is pertaining to and the answer is Mr. Ryan."_

_"Where is this coming from? What's wrong?" he questioned in concern._

_Dr. Perot held out a hand indicating he should take a seat and after he was settled he leaned back and crossed his legs. "Most of the precinct has come to know Mr. Ryan one way or another recently and a few know of your personal relationship. I'm aware I'm overstepping some boundaries right now but I felt it was in everyone's best interest if I shared my thoughts and concerns."_

_Esposito tried not to become defensive and simply nodded. "Alright."_

_The doctor sucked in a lung full of air before asking, "Does Ryan often display violent tendencies?"_

_"Wow. Right for the throat," Esposito said in shock. "Not trying to be rude here but that's not really any of your business."_

_The doctor nodded knowingly, the avoidance answer enough. "Fair enough and if what I've heard about you is true you'll appreciate a more direct approach today. I'm worried about what Ryan is going to do now that he's not in such a hostile environment. I overheard someone saying he's now working at a local bar as a bartender and I'm not sure that's the best place for him."_

_"He's doing fine, better than fine. Great. I've never seen him so happy and relaxed."_

_"And I don't doubt that," he interrupted. "But I'm concerned that Ryan might not know how to handle himself outside of the bar he worked in before, that he's going to harm someone unintentionally."_

_Esposito sat up straighter and leaned forward, "He's not like that. He's not going to hurt anybody."_

_"Because Ryan could never harm someone right? Could never actually kill a person?" he countered quickly and evenly. When he saw the detective searching for an answer he wasn't going to find he flashed him a sympathetic smile. "I know you want to see the good in Ryan, and believe me I know he has a lot of it in him but you know there's more to it than that. Ryan has murdered people Detective, and yes he may have been instructed to but he still carried out the entire event, repeatedly. He was raised in a violent environment and even though you aren't sharing I know he has violent tendencies. The reason I'm speaking to you about all this is you need to communicate with Ryan and try to help him relearn how to respond in certain situations. Help him learn to use his words instead of actions, show him some calm words can be just as effective as a physical blow. Even though he might act like it, either consciously or subconsciously, Ryan is in no way an innocent victim. At the time of the murders I have no doubt that Ryan was very aware of what he was doing and was very in control, which proves that he has reached a mental state that you and I have not."_

_"I've been in combat and had to take lives before, even here it happens sometimes and I'm fine," he argued._

_"And did you feel remorse at that fact?" he asked innocently._

_"Of course."_

_The man met his eyes steadily. "And does Ryan feel remorse?"_

_"I.. I think so," he answered carefully._

_Dr. Perot just nodded. "If so does he feel remorse because he took lives, or because you're aware he took those lives? I need you to take a step back and acknowledge the fact that Ryan is not so different than the people you arrest everyday."_

_Esposito pointed to him angrily, "He's not some psychopath."_

_"No, but he's not completely balanced either. Is he?"_

_Esposito couldn't argue with that and with a nod he left the office deep in thought._

A few weeks after Ryan started at The Old Haunt the group from the 12th entered the bar laughing but quieted down when they saw the bar was empty except for Ryan and a tall, thin man dressed completely in black. They were talking quietly and based on the expression on Ryan's face the conversation wasn't something to be taken lightly. They all slid into seats on the other side of the bar, Castle walking behind the counter to grab beers while everyone cast curious glances at the pair that were now standing. Ryan shook the man's hand, laughed quietly and walked him to the door before turning around with a contemplative spark in his blue eyes.

"Everything ok?" Castle asked as Ryan walked behind the bar past Keller who was snoring softly from his dog bed off to the side.

"Uh, yeah. Did you guys finish up your case?" he asked as he cut up a lime and passed it to Kate knowing she liked them when she drank.

Esposito nodded, "All wrapped up and nice deflection."

Ryan crossed his arms and leaned back against the back of the bar, "That was a friend. He came by to tell me Ed passed away yesterday, thought I would want to know that he didn't blame be for doing what needed to be done." He reached in his pocket and pulled out an object before gently placing it on the counter, "He left me his watch, it's the one he never took off."

Beckett looked at it carefully while Esposito frowned, "You ok Kev? I know it was a love hate relationship. I mean wasn't he kind of like your father figure?"

"In a way and yeah, I'm fine. I mean we all knew it was coming. Little sad but mostly relieved. End of an era and it kind of puts a nice bow on top of everything."

"I'm sensing there was more to the conversation," Castle said.

Ryan nodded, "He offered me Edmund's spot, said I was the only one who knew everything that happened when Edmund closed the door. Didn't even care I gave up most of them, said it was time to clean house anyway."

Everyone glanced at each other wearily before Esposito tapped his fingers on the counter in agitation, "You mean that guy just asked if you wanted to step up as the head of the Irish mob? What'd you say?"

Ryan smiled at how easy it was to work up Javier. "That I was honored but I'm happy where I am. Told him it was best if we didn't talk anymore and I told him to keep his head down."

"And he let you just walk away from something you've been a part of forever?" Esposito asked.

Ryan nodded, "I've told my story and the parts that got left out will die with me, he knows that. They all know that. I have nothing left to give them and they have nothing left to take. I'll always have enemies but they won't come after me."

"Why not?" Castle asked.

"Because when you're part of the mob your leash is held so tight you can't move without choking. If anybody moves on me, they'll know and they'll be punished for it. Seeing as how I hang out with a bunch of cops and you, they know my murder wouldn't be swept under the rug. Last thing they want is another raid. Nice little insurance policy actually."

Beckett glanced at the door, "So who's going to run the mob now?"

The smile on Ryan's face grew, "For once in my life, I have absolutely no idea what is going on."

Beckett lifted her glass with a small smile, "To new beginnings."

Ryan met her gaze and nodded. In the last couple months she and Ryan had actually bonded pretty well, all past tensions and animosity gone. He poured himself a shot and held it up before downing it. Ever since everything had gone down he had begun to pull back with his drinking and now only drank socially with the group. Esposito didn't think he could do it on his own without a program but he had proven just how much willpower he had, how serious he took the fact that he was being handed a second chance at life.

Beckett grabbed her purse and dug through it before looking at Ryan, "I'm not sure if you wanted this back but I felt I should at least offer it. Espo said you've had it quite a while." She lifted her hand and held out Ryan's silver balisong, completely cleansed of blood.

He took it and stared at it as he flipped it open and closed a few times. "Thank you. This thing is a part of me now. Ed gave it to me for my thirteenth birthday to help me defend myself since I kept getting beaten up. After the second time my wrist got broken he decided I needed something that could actually do some damage."

Castle frowned, "That's terrible. Why did so many people have it out for you?"

"In case you haven't noticed," Ryan said with a grin. "My mouth gets away from me sometimes."

Everyone looked at the door when it swung open and Lanie entered a moment later with a smile. "Hey guys."

Esposito's eyebrows rose at her low cut dress, "Looking good girl, where's your date?"

She sighed and slipped onto a bar stool and laid her magenta clutch on the counter, "At the curb where I left him. He actually made me pay for dinner after asking me out, and that's after he referred to my job as 'the creepiest thing he had ever heard'. Eyes off the girls Castle, you too Ryan."

Esposito laughed as Castle jerked and blushed at being caught, Ryan doing the same. "What can I get for you?" he asked, cheeks still burning with embarrassment.

"Something strong, none of that foo-foo crap."

Ryan tried to keep a straight face as he tapped his knuckles on the wood bar, "Right, no foo-foo crap."

"So how's the community service?" Beckett asked curiously.

He cast her a crooked grin. "Amazing. I lucked out, instead of picking up trash I get to hang out and play baseball with kids all day. They're little sarcastic asses, I love it and there's this little girl that's seven. Cutest thing ever. Seems a senior detective put in a good word for me…"

Everyone's eyebrows shot up in surprise, Beckett ignoring them and just smiling as she took a sip from her beer. "Wonder who that was."

"Yeah. I wonder," he said knowingly.

As evening rolled around the bar began to slowly fill up and Ryan had to step away from his friends to take care of everyone else. It was filling up and while he used to enjoy the noise and bustle of the crowd it seemed to cause a small level of anxiety in him lately. When there were so many people in such a tight space he felt like someone was watching him and even though he always searched he could never find anyone acting suspiciously. Maybe he was just paranoid after everything that happened. Figuring everyone was fine for a few minutes he quietly slipped away and exited to the side of the building where he sucked in a deep breath of the night air and pulled out his balisong to fiddle with. The sound of a shoe scuffing sounded from behind him and he casually turned to see who it was. As soon as he turned he wished he had never come outside.

"What the hell do you want?" he barked at Banks who was walking towards him.

The man stopped a few feet away and watched him play with the knife. "I wanted to come apologize for everything and thank you for everything you did."

"Try again," he barked. "You're lying."

"No, I really mean it." With a small sigh he stuck his hands in his pockets, "I acted unprofessionally towards you on numerous occasions and I appreciate everything you did to take down Conor."

The words were spoken open and honestly, his posture relaxed yet Ryan stayed where he was and tightened his grip on his knife. After spending years reading people he knew that every intention could be seen in the eyes, the eyes were the windows to the soul and no truths could be hidden in their depths. "How long? How long have you been in his pocket?" he asked quietly.

Banks didn't flinch or react, just smiled. "Four years, he pays a lot better than the city does. I just have one thing I need to do, something he requested a while ago in case of the event of a raid. I must say, Conor has quite the hard on for you. He's wanted you out of the picture long before I showed up. Then after I met you I realized why he hates your midget ass."

"So it was you that told him I was living with Javi. That's how he knew where to find me," Ryan whispered to himself as it all clicked and met his eyes steadily. "That day you showed up at my apartment and beat me, that was you checking up on me per Conor's instructions. If you're working with Conor what's with all the slurs?"

Banks' eyes narrowed. "I might work for him but that doesn't mean I like the mick. Irish are all the same, just violent drunken messes that breed like fucking rabbits. My job would be a hell of a lot easier if paddies like you weren't around. Not to mention you're a fucking fag too."

Both men glared hard at each other, Ryan refusing to rise to the bait the homophobic and racist cop was laying. He knew if he let anger cloud his judgment right now he was as good as dead. "Well then I guess there's only one question left. Who do you think is faster?"

"Guess we'll find out Quiet," he answered before reaching for his pistol. His hand closed around the metal and he pulled it from the already opened holster but never was able to aim before Ryan stabbed his blade into his arm. He screamed as the gun dropped from his grip and both scrambled to pick it up.

Ryan tried to grab it but when he noticed the elbow flying towards his face he kicked it away before the blow knocked him to the ground as a sticky warmth began to ooze down his face. With vision swimming he tried to get away knowing if Banks made it to the gun he would die. In his haste to save himself he didn't notice Banks forgetting about the gun and walking over to kick him in the ribs. Pain exploded through his midsection and he coughed dryly before trying to breathe. Forcing himself to his feet he was able to catch one of Banks' arms and punch him twice, satisfaction filling him when he felt his nose break underneath his knuckles. His hands tightened on the balisong still in his grip and he held it up in defense, Banks' arm slicing open as he accidentally hit it. The retaliation was brutal and a couple punches to the midsection later Ryan was back on the ground trying to pull in air again. A glint of silver caught his eye and with a final burst of adrenaline he leapt for the gun.

Esposito frowned as he looked up and down the bar for Ryan noticing that orders were piling up yet he wasn't there. Instead of ignoring the bad feeling creeping in he looked at Beckett and excused himself. "I'll be back."

After checking downstairs and the back of the bar Esposito walked to the side door and peered outside. "Jesus," Esposito whispered as the psychologist's words from a while back hit him full force. Banks was trying to crawl away from Ryan who was just walking after him with the gun pointed to his legs. Ryan looked worse for wear, this definitely hadn't been one sided, but why was he just drawing it out? Did he take some sort of sick satisfaction in seeing people suffer before going for the kill? Maybe he didn't know Ryan as well as he thought he did.

"How about I blow out your kneecaps?" Ryan sneered. "Make it so you can never walk again? You'll have to retire but hey, they'll probably throw you a fucking parade because nothing plays on people's sympathy like a fucking crippled cop. Or I could just pop one in the back of your head and send your wife a sympathy card. Maybe deliver it personally if you know what I mean, I hear she's quite the looker."

Banks finally gave up at crawling away and rolled onto his back. "You've got them all fooled but not me Quiet. You're an animal, there's no humanity left in you. You talk about Conor but you're exactly like him, just a soulless bastard that's going to burn everything and everyone around him to the ground."

Ryan was quiet for a moment before raising the gun and pointing it at his head with a twisted smirk. "You're right. Goodbye."


	22. That They're Sorry And Don't Worry

**Huge thanks to Alsa Ravenwood, RespoFTW, Nadreth, and red2013 ****************for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted and favorited this. Only one more chapter to go.********__********  
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_Ryan was quiet for a moment before raising the gun and pointing it at his head with a twisted smirk. "You're right. Goodbye."_

"Kevin!" Esposito shouted before running over and stopping a few feet away. "Give me the gun," he said sternly. "Now."

Ryan never moved or responded but if the detective had been able to see his eyes he would have noticed the surprise, fear, and relief swimming in the sky blue depths. "Ryan!" he barked and the Irishman frowned heavily at the use of his surname before doing as told and dropping down onto the sidewalk tiredly a few feet away from Banks.

"Thank God _someone_ finally wandered out here. I'm exhausted, I don't think I could have kept bullshitting much longer. I can't take him down alone and I didn't want to shoot him."

Banks stared at the gun before looking at Ryan and shouting, "What! I thought you were going to kill me!"

"You deserve it but I don't like playing God you asshole. I'd take you down a notch myself but you're so fucking big it's impossible."

Esposito just shook his head as he tried to catch up with what was happening, "So you weren't going to shoot him in the head?"

Ryan could only stare with hurt eyes before glaring and stumbling to his feet. "You think I'd do that? After everything that's happened?" His blue eyes looked suspiciously bright in the light from the bar and with a sad accepting smile he turned to walk back inside. Only a few steps away though he suddenly turned and dropped down next to Banks and leaned over to whisper words that were meant for his ears alone. "Everything you said is absolutely true. Javi and my friends from the 12th are the only ones that matter, you and everyone else though... you're all fair game. Better watch your back Banks, Conor has nothing on me." He forced his aching body back up and delivered a vicious kick to Banks ribs before walking back into the bar. A few minutes later Beckett burst into the alley and jogged over.

"Ryan said you needed some help, said Banks is in with Conor and just tried to kill him."

Esposito glanced down at Banks who was just glaring at them both. "That about sums it up. Where's Kev?"

Beckett pulled out her phone and quickly dialed the precinct. "Castle's taking him to the hospital to get stitches for his eyebrow, it won't stop bleeding. He wanted me to remind you to not forget Keller is downstairs."

A long while later Ryan was almost asleep leaning against Castle as he knocked on the apartment door, the pain medication hitting him hard. Esposito swung open the door before pulling Ryan inside and thanking Castle. "Did you get everything taken care of?" the writer asked.

"Yeah, Banks won't be an issue for anyone for a very long time. Thanks again bro."

Castle just nodded and stepped out into the hall, "The stitches in his eyebrow have to come out in a week and he's got some bruising along his left side that the doctor wanted us to watch. I'll see you tomorrow and uh, he's pissed at you. Just so you know. Might want to be prepared for that when he finally gets off cloud nine."

Finally just the two of them he led Ryan to the bedroom and gently pushed him down on the bed before stripping him down to his boxers and pulling the covers over him. After switching off the light he scooted over and wrapped his arm around Ryan's torso and laid his head on the pillow next to his. Ryan mumbled something and yawned before lifting his head tiredly and looking around. Knowing what he was looking for Esposito snapped his fingers and a second later Keller jumped up onto the bed and laid across Ryan's legs. "I don' like you righ' now," he slurred.

Esposito tightened his grip around him, "I know."

"But I stil' love you."

"I love you too Kev," he replied in relief.

As morning came Ryan found himself alone in the bedroom and with a loaded sigh he just stared at the ceiling. A few minutes later the bed gave way next to him and he pulled Keller to him instantly. "You don't think I'm a whack job right?" When Keller laid his head on his chest and whined softly he rubbed his ears gently. "No, you love me no matter what."

"So do I," a small voice said from the door to the bedroom. Ryan lifted his head and looked at his boyfriend before pulling the blanket over him and Keller. Javier was glad Ryan couldn't see him right now because his smile would only upset the Irishman. He couldn't help it though, he was just so damn cute hiding under the covers with his dog. "I'm so sorry for last night Kev. I know you wouldn't kill anyone else and I feel terrible for even thinking that. I've been sort of lost in my thoughts lately and instead of paying attention to what you're doing I was thinking about what you've done. I love you Kev, forgive me please?"

Nothing happened for a full minute until Ryan finally pulled the comforter down just enough for his eyes and Keller's to peer out. "Keep going."

Thankful for the opening he hurriedly tried to think about what else to say. "I just know that you respond to certain things, especially attacks, violently and for a moment I wasn't thinking straight and thought maybe you'd go too far. I know Banks hurt you and he deserves to be punished but not like that. Like I said I'm sorry that I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt."

"I wanted to."

Javier's eyebrows drew together in confusion as he walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. "Wanted to what?"

"Kill him. I try not to talk about things too much with you because I don't want to scare you but my mind wanders to dark places pretty often. I wanted to kill Banks, he was trying to kill me and I wanted to return the favor. That's who I am unfortunately but you need to realize that just because I think something doesn't mean I'm going to do it." He dropped the covers a little further and gently nudged his boyfriend with his foot. "I'm trying to be who you want me to be."

"Kev," Esposito said sadly as he climbed up the bed and slid under the covers next to him. "I don't want you to try to be someone you're not. I love you for you and I'm _very_ aware that our minds work differently and that's ok. You shouldn't have to hide who you are from me or try to shelter me from things. If you want to talk about things talk about them, I won't be disgusted or offended. There is _nothing _you could say that would make me love you less."

He arched an eyebrow before cursing and rubbing it gingerly when it throbbed. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." The pair laid in silence for a few minutes until Esposito hesitantly asked, "What did you whisper to Banks yesterday?"

He lifted his head and steadily met his boyfriend's gaze, "Truth?" At his boyfriend's nod he nervously wet his lips and averted his gaze. "I uh, told him everything he said was true, that I don't really value anyone's lives except yours and my friends. Then I... I told him that Conor has nothing on me. The reason I didn't want to shoot him was because you'd be upset with me, not because it was the wrong thing to do," he finished awkwardly. "I'm not like Ted Bundy or anything but if people are trying to kill me I don't really see the issue with putting them down."

"I appreciate your honesty." Was it easy to hear that Ryan's moral compass was as good as broken? No it was not, but it was what it was. Nothing was really going to change Ryan and he had finally realized that. It wasn't an easy mind set to get to and he still had a little ways to go but to know that his boyfriend at least wasn't going to kill anyone else, even if it was only because of him, was enough. It wasn't like it was a surprise that Ryan was a degenerate. In the beginning he had fooled himself into thinking that Ryan only took lives because he was forced to but now, after everything they had been through and spoken about, he knew that Ryan did more things because he wanted to rather than because he felt he had to. He had no doubt that if Ryan had grown up with his mother, father, and sister he could have done great things, made the world a better place. Hell, he might have even been a homicide detective but no one would ever know because that child, that person was gone. If he hadn't walked into that particular bar and saved him from himself he knew that it was only a matter of time before Ryan would have killed again to protect his make shift family and ultimately died alone and bloody. Dr. Perot had been completely correct.

_"And does Ryan feel remorse? ...__ but he's not completely balanced either. Is he?"_

No he really doesn't and no, he really wasn't. But where he was missing a large chunk of his conscience he at least had a heart and from what he had learned, it was a big one.

At the simple statement Ryan's eyes snapped to Javier's face and when all he saw was honesty and adoration he scooted into his side and smiled in relief. "So when do you have to be at work?"

"An hour," he said sadly.

Not wasting any time Ryan kicked off his boxers and nudged Keller out of the bed before nipping playfully at his bedmate's exposed collarbone. "Well then we better make this quick." Goosebumps blossomed across Javier's bronzed skin and he let out an involuntary moan when Kevin's tongue trailed down his neck and into the hollow of his throat. Soft hands explored his skin and he blushed when one of Ryan's hands slid into his pants before pausing. "Are you going commando?"

"It's hot," he mumbled.

Ryan just smirked before climbing on top and grinding against him, "Can't you call in sick or something? Can't people handle their own problems for today?"

Now it was Javier's turn to smirk, "Doesn't work like that Kev." Without any warning he grabbed his boyfriend and rolled them over to switch their positions. With a wicked grin he licked and nipped his way down his lean torso and across his sharp hip bones before taking him fully into his mouth. He kept a slow torturous pace as his tongue swirled and his head bobbed, smiling internally when Ryan's hands found their way to his head and thin fingers clutched his short hair. "Fuck Javi, feels so good," he said breathlessly as a pleasurable shudder raced through his body.

He lifted his head and grinned at Ryan who whimpered at the loss of contact before kicking off his sleep pants and grabbing his hips. "Ready?" Ryan nodded instantly and gasped as Javier slid into him inch by inch. His hands clenched in the sheets as they held each other's lusty gazes, Ryan finally having to close his when the pleasure became too much. Even though they really didn't have time for this Esposito was in no rush and took his time making sure both got the most they could out of the other.

The early morning light allowed him an excellent view of the pale expanse of Kevin's skin, of his various scars and bruises and everything else that made him _Kevin._ The sunlight made his hair, which was still mussed from sleep, appear more red than brown and the freckles that were lightly scattered across his shoulders became more visible. His chest rose and fell and lean muscles tensed under his touch and when he met his eyes he was taken back how unbelievably blue they were. Long dark lashes surrounded the azure orbs and he knew that he never wanted to look into anyone else's eyes as long as he lived. No one could ever compare to Kevin, no one could ever come close.

He felt the all too familiar ache start deep in his gut and quickened his pace slightly, his arms grabbing Ryan's legs and wrapping them around his back. His hand dropped between them and grabbed his boyfriend snugly and as soon as he leaned over further and bit down painfully hard on the tattoo on his neck Ryan was gasping and groaning as he let himself go. Javier wasn't far behind and only a couple of thrusts later he tensed and emptied himself into the love of his life.

Not wanting to move and lose contact Javier stayed on top of him and sucked idly at the blossoming bruise covering the shamrock on Kevin's neck and laid his wide palm over the Irishman's steadily beating heart. "Have you thought about getting this removed? Or covering it up?"

Ryan offered a single nod and lifted a hand to thread his fingers through Javier's soft hair and nudge him slightly closer, encouraging his affections on his neck. "Maybe one day but not today. I know to you it represents everything bad that's ever happened to me but for me it's a symbol of the good and the bad. The mob was an all encompassing part of my life for twenty-one years and I'm not quite ready to just act like it never happened. Sometimes it's the reminder of where you came from that keeps you focused on where you're going."

Days later Alexis and Ryan lounged lazily on the couch eating popcorn and watching a movie, waiting for Castle or Esposito to call them to tell them they were on their way home. The doorbell ringing made Alexis sigh and look at Ryan who shook his head. "It's your house."

"I made the popcorn."

"Come in!" he shouted.

Alexis's jaw dropped. "What if it's a psycho?"

He fixed her with a flat look, "I think I can protect us." Both looked over when the door opened hesitantly and Alexis's boyfriend entered with a small smile.

After slipping off his shoes he walked over to Alexis and the man he had never met with the French bulldog laying on his chest. "I'm Jeremy," he said politely as he held out a hand.

Ryan shook it and introduced himself as Keller slid open his eyes and glanced over the new arrival. Seeing the boy look at the couch where they were both lying he shook his head, "I'm comfy, find somewhere else to sit."

Doing as told he just sat on the floor and smiled at Alexis before turning back to Ryan, "Are you family?"

Alexis nodded her head and answered for him, "He's my best friend." Hearing the phone ring she looked at Ryan who ignored her with a small smile. "Fine, I'll get it."

Once she left Ryan nudged the kid with his foot, "I'm going to say this only once and I suggest you listen closely. I love that girl like a sister and if you ever fuck her over I will gut you like a fish. I've killed people before Jeremy and I have no problem doing it again."

He could only sit in shock and nod, "I won't hurt her, I promise. Are you a police officer from where her dad works?"

"No, I'm a mobster and have washed more blood off my skin than you have in your entire body."

Alexis trotted over happily not noticing the petrified look her boyfriend was giving her, "That was dad, he and Esposito are on their way over with dinner."

"Good, I'm getting hungry and all you ever feed me is popcorn and licorice." He began to scratch at his eyebrow and Alexis slapped his hand.

"Stop it, leave it alone."

He sighed, "My stitches itch. I just want them out."

Alexis grabbed the hand she had slapped and squeezed, "I know, but it's only a couple more days until they come out. How's the rest of you doing?"

"Other than sore and bruised, fine," he said with a small sigh. "If I could go a week without getting attacked it would be nice."

Alexis grinned mischievously and pulled the collar of his shirt down a fraction revealing an impressive love bite. "Not all bad bruises I see."

"Don't start with me," he said with a slightly uncomfortable laugh. He always felt like he was somehow corrupting her, exposing her to things she shouldn't be exposed to but she had on more than one occasion assured him she wasn't in any way naïve. She had even thanked him for his candor and for treating her like an adult instead of a little girl like her father still tended to try to do. Ryan enjoyed their conversations and usually spoke to her about things that he felt uncomfortable speaking to Javier about, Alexis doing the same about things she didn't want to speak to her father about. While the Irishman's problems usually pertained to emotional thoughts and issues Alexis's were mostly focused on relationships and life experiences.

The door swung open and Castle and Esposito walked in with smiles on their faces and food in their hands. Everyone ran over except Ryan who stayed on the couch.

"Come on Kev, I got you Mu Shu pork."

He lifted his head a little, "Can you bring it to me? I'm injured and we're comfy."

"It's your eyebrow, not your legs. Get your skinny ass off the couch or I'll eat it all. Keller, come." The dog jumped off Ryan and ran over to Esposito who rewarded him with some pork.

"Traitor," Ryan muttered before he rolled off the couch and walked to the kitchen, snatching the container out of his boyfriend's hand with a half-hearted glare. "Jerk."

Esposito pulled him into a kiss before he could walk away and smirked at him, "Love you too."

Castle glanced at the boy next to his daughter and smiled, "Hi, you must be Jeremy. I'm Alexis's dad Rick." The boy shook his hand before looking at the other man who introduced himself also.

"So what's the case?" Ryan asked.

Castle's eyes lit up, "We found her on the ceiling suspended with barbed wire."

Esposito shook his head, "Bro! It's an ongoing investigation, you can't tell people that!"

"Now that is one I have never seen. Were all the body parts there?" Ryan asked excitedly.

Castle nodded, "Everything was there except she was missing a tooth."

Ryan shrugged, "Must have got knocked out. Teeth are gross, I always hated when I had to pull them out to hide identity, then it's like what the hell are you supposed to do with them afterwards?"

Esposito just rolled his eyes affectionately, pleased that Ryan was finally not shying away from his past, and kept eating while Castle actually gave the question some thought. "What _do_ you do with all the teeth? East River?" Ryan pointed to him with his chopsticks and nodded. "Have you heard they're making shoes with them now?"

Ryan made a thoughtful noise as he swallowed his bite. "That... is not as disturbing as I thought it would be. I guess I should have kept and sold them. I wonder how much you'd get per tooth."

"Probably four or five bucks each," Castle replied easily.

Jeremy looked at Alexis with horror, "This is dinner conversation?"

Alexis looked between her best friend and her father and smiled fondly. "Pretty much."


	23. I'm Not Telling Lies

******Huge thanks **to Alsa Ravenwood, RespoFTW, Nadreth, TXMedic, auntof3, sharkbaitz17, and red2013 for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.

**Last chapter and it came out a little choppy for some reason, sorry for that. Endings are not my strong point. Big thanks to everyone that read, reviewed, alerted, and/or favorited this. Your support is what keeps me motivated to continue writing! I'm in the process of writing a darker alternative ending which will be up soon and will be titled _To Telling Only Lies. _**

**Now get ready for some fluff, I think Ryan's earned it. ;)**

* * *

Two months after the Banks incident Esposito entered the bar shortly after dusk and walked through the rambunctious crowd and over to a booth where Castle and Beckett were seated watching the bar with amused expressions. After sliding in he looked over and grinned at Ryan who was completely in his element behind the bar, flipping bottles and glasses with ease. His smile couldn't have been any larger and his blue eyes were crinkled at the corners with mirth.

Castle laughed, "He's been doing this for over an hour now. There's people here that don't even drink, they just want to watch him." The bar was of course Castle's but Ryan had taken it and made it his own, from the Irish music playing throughout the space to specific types of liquor that most people had never heard of. The days were calm while people came in to just relax and write where many great writers had found inspiration but nights were wild and usually bordering on out of control which was amusing considering the fact that most of the clientele seemed to be officers from the 12th. Even right now Beckett and Esposito could recognize many familiar faces throughout the crowd.

"You guys want refills?"

The two shook their heads and Esposito wormed his way up to the bar and next to Demming who was talking to Ryan while he made a few drinks, multitasking like few could. Ryan's face lit up even more than it already was when he was spotted, "Javi! What'll ya have?" Esposito leaned over the bar and kissed his boyfriend soundly before sitting back, Ryan blushing at the affections. A slow grin spread across the Irishman's face when he realized Javier was laying claim in front of all these people, as if he ever had anything to worry about.

"Not the Poitín," Demming interrupted with a shudder. "He tried to kill me."

Esposito grinned and looked at his boyfriend, "Did he pass?"

"Barely," Ryan answered with a cheeky grin. "But he can stay." Hearing a shout from the other end of the bar he jogged over and leaned over to hear what someone was saying before nodding and pulling a few bottles down from the back wall.

"Ryan's pretty damn amusing, everybody loves him. Just since I've been here at least eight people, men and women, have given him their numbers."

"Yeah I know," he acknowledged reluctantly.

Demming turned and faced his friend better, "Nothing to worry about man, he loves you. He doesn't look at anyone like he looks at you."

The object of their conversation appeared again and set down another beer in front of the robbery detective before announcing, "I'm going on break, you two need anything before I do?" At their twin headshakes he smiled brightly and disappeared.

Both men sat quietly, Esposito fidgeting slightly until Demming rolled his eyes, "Just go. I'll save your seat." Without a word he hopped up and worked his way to the back of the bar and into the back alley he knew Ryan liked to relax in. Unlike most other back alleys in the city this one was always clean and Ryan enjoyed the darkness and solitude it offered. As soon as the door opened he looked at Ryan who smirked over at him.

"I was hoping you'd come out here."

He offered a shrug and a cocky smile before walking over and leaning against the wall next to him. "You doing all right tonight? It's busy."

"I was made for this and that jittery feeling I was having is gone. Hairs on the back of my neck haven't stood up since Banks."

"Hey!" someone suddenly shouted from a few feet away effectively startling them both. Esposito cursed himself that he hadn't been paying attention to his surroundings and he carefully tried to position himself between the man and Kevin when he noticed the sawed off shotgun in his hand. "Gimme all your money!" the young man shouted as he raised the gun shakily. "Don't move!"

Before Esposito could blink Ryan had stepped around him with a roll of his eyes and grabbed the barrel of the shotgun, yanked it forward, and slammed it back into the man's face. When he staggered back Ryan jerked the gun out of his hand and used it like a baseball bat to knock the man to the ground before he leveled the barrel at his shocked and frightened face. "You are the worst robber I have ever met, you're a disgrace to anyone who has ever stolen something. It's about finesse you idiot, not force. People shouldn't even know they lost something!"

When the man didn't move Ryan nudged him with the gun, "Get out of here before I shoot you just to prove a point."

Both watched the young man run away and Ryan shook his head before looking at Esposito who was trying hard to not smile. "Ryan, you can't do things like that. You could get hurt and I should have arrested that kid."

"He's just a dumbass, you don't need to arrest him," he said as he easily ejected the shells out onto the alley floor and laid the gun against his shoulder pointing skyward. "Not like he was going to hurt anybody, you could tell he's an innocent."

Esposito crowded him and paused only a hair away from his lips, "That was pretty hot."

Ryan could only grin crookedly, "You like that? I do have my moments." When the taller man's lips met his he let out a soft sigh and leaned into him, his spicy cologne filling his senses. He loved how Javier tasted, loved how he felt, just loved everything about him. His heart began to pound in anticipation when warm hands pulled him closer and he didn't fight the shiver that raced down his spine. "Javi," he moaned breathlessly. The sound of someone clearing their throat from a short distance made both turn with wide eyes.

"Do you think you might get back to work anytime soon?" Castle asked without any bite and an arch to one of his brows. "And where did the shotgun come from?"

Esposito blushing furiously at being caught by his friend and coworker making out with his boyfriend but Ryan just smirked and smashed his lips to his for one final hot and heavy kiss before walking away. When he reached the writer he handed him the shotgun, winked, and walked back inside whistling to himself.

Castle shook his head and looked at the detective, "What just happened?"

Esposito let out a small breath trying to dispel all the lust and embarrassment still swirling inside him and shook his head. "I'd explain but let's just go with 'Ryan was being Ryan'."

"'Nough said."

The following day Esposito shook his head fondly at Ryan and Alexis while he made dinner in the kitchen. Both were sitting on the couch almost on top of each other as they played on her iPad and laughed hysterically. When Ryan almost fell on to the floor from laughing so hard he looked down at his feet and tossed a piece of meat to Keller who was watching him closely. "They're crazy huh Kell?"

A knock on the door grabbed his attention and instead of interrupting the giggling pair on the couch he wiped his hands off on a towel and went to answer it. After looking through the peephole he swung open the door and smiled. "Hey Castle."

The writer smiled in greeting and followed him inside. "Is Alexis almost ready to go home? I thought I'd swing by and pick her up so she didn't have to take a cab."

Esposito nodded absently and walked back to the kitchen to keep on eye on dinner. As he opened the cabinet looking for salt more laughter sounded from the living room and he chuckled to himself. "Those two…"

Castle walked to the living room and hovered by the door as he watched his daughter and Ryan play Fruit Ninja on her iPad, both laughing so hard they were crying. While he still had small doubts about their friendship, what father wouldn't, he was proud of his daughter for everything she did for Ryan. He knew Ryan leaned on her quite heavily when Esposito wasn't readily available and pride filled him at how much she helped him through his difficult days.

Ryan finally noticed him and waved him over, "Hey Castle!" The writer made his way to the pair and dropped down next to his daughter but kept his eyes on Ryan as his mind wandered. He knew Ryan viewed Alexis as a sister and his heart broke at the fact he hadn't seen his own flesh and blood in over twenty years. He couldn't imagine how difficult it was not knowing what happened to the only remaining family he had.

"Ready to go honey?" he asked after he pulled himself from his thoughts.

She sighed as her bottom lip stuck out in a small pout, "I guess." After putting her belongings in her bag she hugged Ryan tightly, "I'll call you tomorrow. Bye!"

Once she left he picked himself off the couch and wandered to the kitchen, "Dinner ready yet?"

"I'm not your maid," Esposito mumbled as he fixed two plates.

"I know you're not," he said with an apologetic smile. "You're my servant."

Javier pursed his lips, "No dinner for you."

Ryan laughed, "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you later." Esposito sighed and handed him the plate with a tiny grin. As soon as it was in his hands he took a few steps away. "Instead of servant I could call you my bitch."

"Kevin!"

The next night Esposito rolled over in bed and sat up when he realized Kevin wasn't there. After a quick glance at the alarm clock he realized it was after one am and after checking his phone he for any messages he slid on jeans and a shirt and grabbed his keys. When Keller jumped up he walked over and rubbed his hand soothingly down his thick body, "I'll be back buddy, gotta go check on your daddy."

After a quick drive he pulled up to the empty curb and let himself inside with Ryan's spare key and looked around the dark space. He found him in the basement passed out in a chair, head on the desk and cradled in his arms. He walked over and kneeled down next to him as he softly ran a hand up and down his back, "Wake up Kev. Let's go home."

Ryan sat up slowly and yawned before leaning back in the chair and promptly falling back asleep. With a smile and small huff of laughter he carefully lifted him as best he could and moved him to the couch Castle had insisted on buying before lying down with him, chest to chest. They couldn't have physically been any closer but it still didn't feel like he was close enough, it never felt like it. He had never felt anything like he felt with Kevin and if he didn't think it would scare the shit out of him and chase him away he'd propose right this second. There was no one else he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, it was Kevin or nothing. With a soft kiss to his boyfriend's nose he just laid there quietly until his lids began to feel heavy and with a final soft breath he fell asleep.

Castle whistled to himself as he made his way to the bar the following morning, his keys jingling in his hands as he unlocked it and walked across the empty room. He descended down the stairs but froze at the bottom and grinned at the pair still asleep on the couch. Ryan was smashed between the plush back and Esposito's chest with his hands clenched in the detective's shirt, Esposito's arm laid protectively over his boyfriend. It was ridiculously adorable. With quiet steps he made his way over and snapped a picture with his phone before backing away still smiling and making his way back upstairs.

Only a few minutes later Esposito walked up the hidden stairs and glanced around before noticing Castle, "Hey bro. Thought I heard somebody up here."

"Yeah, I needed to come pick up the books. You and Ryan looked cozy," he said with a grin.

He flashed him a flat look, "Don't start, it's too early. So how's everything going with the bar? Kev doesn't talk shop very often."

Both slid into a booth and Castle glanced around, "Really well. Ryan's stealing from me."

Esposito began to cough in surprise. "What?"

Castle smiled, "Well I _thought_ he was stealing from me, I was wrong. For someone that handled money for the mob he's terrible with it. He sticks it everywhere, never counts it and the till is always off. Then miraculously at the end of the week it all adds up. He's so informal and disorganized it's hilarious. He's getting better though."

Javier shook his head, "You had me scared there for a second. I was thinking no way in hell Kev is that stupid."

Castle waved his hand dismissively, "He's doing really well here, and aside from his organizational issues he catches onto things extremely quickly. Plus with all his experience working a bar he'll be full partner by next year."

Esposito met his eyes steadily. "You gave him a purpose Castle, I can never thank you enough for that."

He waved him off, "It was meant to be. I mean seriously, you meet Ryan and all this goes down then I buy the bar. What are the odds? I bought it to preserve it, not to profit from it and with Ryan I can do exactly that. I don't need the money so he can have it and I know this place will be taken care of and cherished. No such thing as coincidences."

They descended into silence until Castle's phone buzzed. After checking it he let out a victorious laugh before looking back at his friend. "There's something I need to talk to you about…"

A month later Ryan stood with his hands in his pockets, posture relaxed as he looked over the murder board waiting for everyone to finish whatever they were doing. The elevator opened grabbing his attention and he smiled in greeting at Castle, ignoring the woman standing mostly behind him. "Hey Ryan, how's it going?"

"I'm bored as hell and Javi is taking forever to interview the suspect. I mean God, just arrest or let him go, it's already after nine and I'm starving." He glanced over at L.T. who was gathering his belongings and with a small nod he turned to leave. Ryan jerked his thumb in the direction he headed and looked back to Castle, "Did you know he's really good at darts? I didn't. He cost me like fifty bucks last night at the bar." Noticing the woman still behind Castle he tried to look around the taller man curiously, "Whose with you?"

The tiny woman with strawberry blonde hair took a step around Castle and smiled hesitantly, bright blue eyes filling with tears. "Hey Kev."

He could only stare before carefully whispering in a strained tone. "Izzy?" His heart felt like it was going to explode as the person he never thought he'd see again, his baby sister, smiled at him. She was beautiful with long hair and just a tad shorter than he was and dressed in snug jeans and a blue top.

She let out a choked laugh and held out her arms, Ryan instantly hugging her close and burying his face in her hair as he began to shake. "Oh my God Izzy, I can't believe you're here." She smelt exactly like he remembered, like flowers and fresh baked cookies.

"Me either big brother, me either. I always wondered what happened to you. I was so scared that you were dead." She pulled away slightly and grabbed his face in her hands to look over him closely, taking time to commit every single inch of him to memory. "What happened to all your freckles?"

"Faded," he said softly. "How…" he asked as he looked over at Castle for some sort of explanation.

"All good books need an ending worthy of the story," he offered.

Esposito and Beckett exited interrogation and smiled at Ryan and his sister. Upon approach Beckett grinned and pointed back and forth between them, "You're twins. I had no idea."

Elizabeth nodded, "Eighty-six seconds apart. I'm Elizabeth by the way." Beckett and Javier introduced themselves but Ryan noticed their relaxed and slightly smug expressions instead of the shock he knew was still written all over his.

"You all knew," he said half-accusing and half-in awe.

Esposito nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets casually, "It was a group effort."

"Well I am going home and I will talk to everyone tomorrow," Castle announced, figuring the reunited siblings wouldn't want an audience. "It was wonderful to finally meet you in person Elizabeth. I'm glad you made it here alright."

Beckett grabbed her jacket taking the hint, "Me too. Maybe if everyone's free we can get together tomorrow. By guys, Elizabeth."

"You guys going out?" Esposito asked and Ryan instantly shook his head.

"Thought we'd just go home where it's quiet."

"Then let me grab my stuff and we'll go. You know I must say, I'm surprised you're not freaking out more."

"That'll come later," Ryan laughed. "I think I'm more stunned than anything right now." Ryan waited patiently next to his sister, who he still hadn't stopped touching, while Javier gathered his belongings and a minute later the trio exited out of the building and onto the street. "Where are you staying?"

She shrugged, "Rick offered to put me up at a hotel but if you have any space I'd love to stay with you. I don't want to let you out of my sight, I'm still afraid you'll disappear again."

"I know the feeling," he said shakily before wrapping his hand around hers. He couldn't stop touching her, he needed physical affirmation that this wasn't just a dream. "There's not an extra bedroom but you can sleep on the couch if you want."

"That's fine with me." When they all got in one car Izzy smiled from the backseat, "Carpool or do you guys live together?"

Esposito wisely stayed quiet and Ryan just nodded, not giving anything away. "Tell me a little about you."

Izzy shrugged, "Well I'm married, have been for four years now to the most amazing man ever. He wanted to come with me but I thought this was something I needed to do on my own." She smiled brightly, "You have a four year old niece, her name is Carissa but everyone calls her Kissa. She's got the Ryan eyes."

They continued the light conversation all the way to the apartment building and up the elevator. When they got inside she looked around happily before suddenly frowning. "There's only two doors, meaning this is only a one bedroom. Where do you guys sleep?"

"She's good," Esposito said quietly with an appreciative raise to his eyebrows. Apparently paying attention to minute details was a Ryan trait.

She looked expectantly at her brother who suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Well uh, Izzy?"

"Yes?"

After nervously wetting his lips he grabbed Esposito's hand and met his sister's eyes. "Javi and I are… together. We uh, share the room."

"Oh. Oh!" she said as she caught on and smiled gently at his nervousness before stepping forward and hugging him again. "I know we've been apart for a long time Kev but you know me better than that. If you're happy I'm happy and from the looks of it you're pretty damn happy here."

Ryan sagged in relief and bit his lip, "So how much did Castle tell you about everything?"

"Not much honestly. Said it wasn't his story to tell. So you live together obviously, do you work together? Are you a cop?"

Both men laughed a little before Ryan sighed heavily and flashed his sister a wry smile, "Izzy, you are in for one hell of a tale."


End file.
